Title says it all.  It's like a magazine subscription.  You may have been excited for each new issue- couldn't wait to get your hands on it- but then you decided maybe it wasn't all that interesting or there's one that you might like more...

Another scenario is that an outsider, maybe even a close friend or family member, sees that magazine that is just perfect for you, and they were looking for a birthday gift anyway... so the giftee maybe does enjoy the subscription... until the renewal bill comes.  Then the whole crisis of, "Is this what I really want to invest in?" happens.

A healthier, more rested version of myself has now gone in-depth about:

over-stimulation: I saw on the news how some families are making a concerted effort to unplug their kids.  to give them a break from the computer/video games and other electronics that pull them in multiple directions and are a lot to comprehend.  This made me think of my own life & how maybe I need a break, too.  My stimulation comes in other forms, too- but it seems like I haven't truly chilled out much, even with a recent vacation.  Today I was able to a bit, as I was home sick from work.  Don't know the diagnosis yet, but it's the fourth day of my voice being "kinda sexy" hoarse & I'm congested.  Drank lots of fluids & avoided milk products for the most part & am going to doctor tomorrow.

orchid (living like one): see above.  I thought I might have laryingitis, so I tried to not only drink water, but moisturize the air.  Don't have a humidifier, but worked around that.  Did you know that orchids like moist air?  That you should have water at the bottom of a pot, with rocks to keeps the roots at bay?

great Easter:  Went home to see my family and friends in the Midwest.  brought boyfriend with.  really felt loved and appreciated there.  also felt like a visitor.

what it means to love someone:  had interesting conversations regarding this.  thought a lot about it.  It's definitely actions and choice.  Words are important but mean nothing without something consistent backing them up.  it's not limited to liking every thing a person does (as if that's possible).

passive-aggressiveness:&n bsp; Suffice to say that I still have passive-aggressive tendencies.  I thought I was over it, like by acknowledging that it's not the best or least hurtful route to go, that I'd automatically be more direct.  Nope.  All is not hopeless- maybe recognizing and not liking it is a step in the right direction.

bonus topics
Vapo-rub: great!  used to like how it tingles and you can seemingly feel the air directly through the skin on your chest and throat.  Did you know it is good for other things as well?  I haven't tried it, but I hear it's good for sore muscles & if you put it on the bottom of your feet, it's supposed to relieve a night cough & cracked heels
vacuum safety: please be careful around cords.  I stripped my cell phone charger cord down to the wire because I vacuumed over it.

Not so much disconnecting as being without connection.  Yesterday, I left my cell phone at Dave's place.  As I was going home from work today, I felt like part of me was missing and this was only emphasized by not even having a pen in my pocket to note things!  If I'd forgotten lip gloss as well, I might have been done-in.  How much do we rely on such devices?  The lip gloss to me is a safety barrier from the wind and sun, a way to experience the world better, a way to perk up a bit & encourager for me to keep talking.  My cell phone has a safety to it as well- especially walking home in the dark, I feel like I can at least call the police if something happens or scares me.  I can connect to my wonderful people- whether it be to confirm, "I'll be there in 20 minutes" or "I miss you, too- look forward to being in the same state as you..."  Especially when there are exciting things to talk about, immediacy is so gratifying!  and relying on my memory instead of taking notes is a bit trying.  It is rather freeing being disconnected.  I should treat my cell like it's a landline, leaving it in a room when I'm at home.  Why should I need to answer a phone, just because it's ringing?  Remember the days before there were even answering machines, let alone Caller ID?  My life shouldn't be dictated by someone else's whims (I write as if I talk on the phone often).  It's so easy to rely technology, when I should be listening to God and what He's saying.  My cell phone is another way for me to push Him away- I really should pay attention when I make decisions I'd previously been at least wary about (I used to avoid having a cell phone at all costs).

It was also nice disconnecting from work.  Went with Melanie and her dogs to Myrtle Beach this weekend.  'twas sooo good to take naps, enjoy the ocean & her company! 

What does it mean when someone you baked a cake for throws said cake back at you?  or a cake, even a different one?  What if it is all virtual?  What if it doesn't even happen?  It's all something I'm considering, but likely will never happen.  Is it just a waste of time & brainpower?  As I think these things, I think of many hours of analyzing situations that have never occurred.  I can attempt to justify it by quantifying the amount of peace or sleep I had as a direct result.  I would have to counterbalance it with the amount I lost, lying there, unable to shut my thoughts off.

Then again, maybe it's just my 'I need a break from cleaning!' side babbling... ;)

Walking into the family home, smelling a certain cologne, listening to a song- they can all bring us to a distant time and place.  This time, it was a Switchfoot song- a part about "it's my birthday tomorrow... I was born this Thursday, 22 years ago..."  I listened to that song a lot the summer I turned 21.  That was over 5 years ago, and the memory is so fresh!

now I'm off to finish a list of things before socializing! 

This is an example of filling in the gaps- seeing what he had before and skimming through the rest.  I thought my friend was visiting Saturday morning.  Turns out it's tomorrow morning.  Haven't seen him in over two years.  Should sleep soon, with an early morning ahead of me.  Guess no pie.

... (Fairest Lord Jesus)
I'd like to think it's more than the start of a new day that wakes me up singing.

Here's me embracing the New Year:

What is it like to progress?  In which areas is that welcome?  I've been pondering such questions lately.  The fodder was everything from the direction of personal relationships to this head cold threatening to settle in.  In lieu of contemplating that more here, I will cover Christmas week.  I had written a whole lot, with details, of Dave's & my trip to Houston.  I think I'll downsize it and share some visuals.

We had a great time!  It was satisfying to both get what we wanted out of the trip.  I wanted to get to know some of his family and for them to know me and me to know Dave as well.  When we didn't run in different directions after landing back in DC, I knew it was a good sign.  ;)
I felt very welcomed and like I could easily fit in and see us having a family with kids & hanging out with them all.  :0  But it also reaffirmed some things I've always wanted, such as a welcoming home open to guests.

Although we spent most of the time in Houston, we also took a side-trip to San Antonio w/ Dave's bro and sis-in-law.  It was the most fun I've had in a while.  They're pictured above, but since I didn't ask permission to do so, I hope the obscure nature of the pics is discretion enough.  The one with lights is Riverwalk.  The other is in a cave!
Continuing clockwise, you will find evidence of our Armand Nature (bayou?) visit.  It may have been the most perfect date I've been on.  It was also very sunny, especially reflecting off the water.  Later that day, we continued hanging out w/ a cousin of his and her family at Kemah (harbor city), eating at the Aquarium (where he befriended this shark).  That day, we also checked out that rocket at NASA.

"Turtles and other wild creatures do not prosper on potato
chips, bread or other food anymore than humans do.  Please do not
feed the turtles in the pond, as they have plenty of
nutritious natural foods available to them."

You know the feeling of a strong lack of something?  That's what I'm experiencing right now.  I'm not sure where my head cold is hiding now, but my nose & throat seem perfectly clear.  On the opposite side of things, do you know the feeling where something/someone is there and it seems so natural & like there could be no better way, and it's a new thing?

You know when you suddenly are able to focus on and accomplish some pretty neat, albeit random tasks while avoiding
others?  yeah- that's where I'm at now.  I can't actually point to many meaningful accomplishments tonight, unless snacking, updating this blog & getting ready for bed counts.  My stubbornness (and laziness?!) is preventing me from taking the necessary steps to prepare for tomorrow's estate sale.  I have many theories as to why this hump is difficult to get over, but exploring those will only get me further from that goal.

In the meantime, I am enjoying writing this :), chatting with friends, and cuddling in my cozy, monsteresque fleece pjs.
As much as I enjoy having housemates, they don't (and shouldn't) offer everything I need.  An affectionate pet may help (in the cuddling category), but I'll hold out for a guy & the right time.

good night 

I'd say, "yes" more often.  :)

This weekend was great and was just the right length!

It began with a road adventure.  I decided to take the train home and then drive to our crocheting get-together.  I rarely went over 8 mph (while driving) and all-told spent 90 minutes on what normally would be a 35 minute trip.  Guess what?  I was in such a good mood that it didn't phase me!  I did not get upset or tense.  Driving or at least stop-and-go can be so aggravating!  thank God for peace and calm and all these wonderful people and experiences He's allowed me to be part of!  So, as I approach the destination city, I call the host and she says matter-of-factly, "Want to meet downtown SS instead?  Our building might be on fire."  So we do (it was an isolated fire in an apartment complex) and it is fun.  There is a welcoming, shiny-decorated plaza for us to escape to.  Seriously, I saw it and thought, "Nothing else matters right now.  It's as if bad traffic or fires don't exist!"

Saturday, I swam and helped others swim.  Then, I went over to Dave's (he randomly brought strangers to another mall, which seems like a good example of the kind guy he is) and we and his cousin drove to The National Mall.  Dave actually drove my car there so I could eat lunch.  :)  That was adventurous- I had directions for the opposite direction, and we ended up looping a few times before crossing the river and making it there.  We had hoped to ice skate, but it didn't work out, so will another, less busy time.  Instead, we enjoyed the nice, warm, magnificent National Gallery of Art.  Dave's cousin was an art major, so we benefited from his insight.   I can't describe how wonderful it is to do normal things with the people I care about!  Just walking and talking and holding hands (well, hands with just one person).  I also thought it was great to later find out that Dave and I can both be right!  We wondered which artist did the haystack paintings (in different times of day and of the year) and we sound out both Van Gogh and Monet did.  To me, it represented hope that future perceived differences or arguments could end so easily- everyone wins!
Then, I babysat for 3 girls, ages 4 and 6.  much fun ensued.  Besides pretending to be the grandma in Little Red Riding Hood, and sharing fairy tales around the dinner table, we had all sorts of adventures!  They ran around a lot.  They also play 'doctor' well- attending to my pretend broken wrist.  The upstairs toilet overflowing (through the lightsockets below) was the only downside of the evening, besides the occasional, expected protest of "I don't want to...!"  Besides enjoying their enthusiasm and creative minds, I have to admit that is was pretty great to have the little one play with my hair and want to spend time with me, even if she just wanted an excuse to not sleep.

The work-week ended on a high note. :) Friday finally came, and even with a late night, the new day was welcoming. Things that might otherwise irritate or worse were brushed off or even accepted as part of life. I must have worn my rose-tinted glasses today. ;) I also listened to 'Nothing Better' by the Postal Service all day- literally. That was the only song I listened to from 7 a.m. to 5p.m. I don't normally obsess like that, but it really seemed to strike a chord. Plus, the twinge (or thensome) of sadness that I normally associate with P.S. was not there today, so it was extra nice to listen to it and only get good vibes. Afterwards, as I was driving around, I heard 'Apologize' by Timbaland four times (different radio stations). Then, I came home and have heard it more since then via youtube. I was familiar with the song because of its use during a beautifully powertful performance on 'So You Think You Can Dance.'  The song seems really fitting for a friend who is having a hard time with family. There is a lot of hurt going on and the song at the very least is really emotional, as they are. When, if ever, is it too late to try to work things out? What song has been stuck in your head, or has been especially meaningful to you lately?

high risk, that is.  Timelines are a dangerous thing!  yet perhaps helpful, at least at in getting a grasp on what we want or hope to attain.  I've shared such a wishlist with a friend.  We'll see what happens.  I can say that babies aren't looking so scary :) but that they're not on that timeline.

and that friends can sure pull the guilt card.  One risk about sharing your life with someone is when they bring up decisions you've made in the past.  'tis good to be realistic and get shot down sometimes (i say as staggering around clutching the felt heart-wound).

Tips to sleep well:
*let go of what's stressing you
*'count your blessings instead of sheep'
*drink something warm shortly before getting into bed
*toss your comforter in the dryer for a lil while before bringing it to bed with you
*darken your room- this can include using heavy, dark curtains

If I can wake up at 6-something like usual and then continue to sleep 'til 9:45, that's saying something.  Maybe some of the above tips helped.  Maybe I really was fatigued- it's been an emotionally-trying week.  Most of it was positive-very good, exciting developments.  There has been a lot of other life mixed in there as well- at least seeing (consequently feeling) the sadness and pain that others feel. Do you have any 'good night's sleep' pointers?

I've been on the receiving end of some really sweet gestures lately. Some day, I may share what they were or give suggestions of nice things to do for others. Not tonight. I'm a bit wiped out right now. I can say that I am happy with the way things are going right now, for the most part. There is a whole lot to process, though- or maybe processing is asking too much.

Regardless... I have been very impressed with people lately. Not the general public, but specific people I know or have gotten to know. and it's been good to see people where they're at and with what they're dealing with. and hard. There's this co-worker who has been having a tough life- you can just see the pain on his face- and I wrote him an encouraging, honest note, and he wrote me a post-it saying how much it meant and handed it to me with tears in his eyes. It might be painful for guys to see gals cry, but I assure you it works both ways. You know something is majorly wrong or at least that a guy feels really comfortable around you when you see that.
Then, there are the strangers on the Metro. Some people are really comfortable chatting it up with each other. That is me sometimes (thanks, Dad). Today, it was with two guys who stood with me most of the journey home. One (50-something?) was nostalgic about the past and change. He talked about Ft Lauderdale (sound familiar?) and how much it's changed over the years and mentioned death a few times (his parents) and traveling and life. He didn't seem to get me not living near my family. He made it seem like a matter of time before I'd go 'home.' Maybe he thought I was a college student? Maybe his perspective on what is important in life tailored his opinion? Irregardless, it was interesting. The other guy 30or 40-something) seemed more adventurous, but that could have just been his outfit and stance. He mostly stuck to the topic of public transportation vs private (cost, etc). Talking helped us all connect and for me at least distracted from the tight quarters and 'long' ride. I dropped out of the conversation when they talked about sports at the end.

The last thing I will write about is that my great-grandma died last weekend. I didn't know 'til today, and that upset me. I thought maybe my family was trying to hide it from me until I came home again (as a way of protecting me). I hadn't called last weekend, so maybe i was to 'blame.' Anyway, I found out in a backwards way when my aunt e-mailed an article about my G-Gma. I thought, 'Oh, how interesting! I wonder why the newspaper interviewed her?' Then I saw that it was an obituary. Lately, she hadn't been doing well, so it was time for her to go... She would have been 88 later on this month.  After talking with relatives, one of whom thought I knew, it was apparent that it was just a matter of time before they told me. They are all going through their own thing processing it. We didn't spend a lot of time together, so maybe I can share all my memories here: 1) Sad Sam in tow, we visit my great-grandparents (maternal side). After talking outside with a cousin who was fake-baked way too dark, we milled around the house and backyard for a bit. (great-)Grandma W___'s favorite candy, saltwater taffy, was offered. When we're back in the car, I ask about Sad Sam's story. (I was probably 6), When I was born, my great-grandparents gave it to me as a gift. It was my favorite stuffed animal (dog) that I carried around since then. 2) In high school, my great-grandparents lived in Texas. I'm pretty sure my grandparents went to visit them, but that means a long road trip... but regardless, we were given the hugest oranges with the thinnest peels I've ever had, from the Mexican border. My brother may have gotten a cowboy hat, and me an ivory stone elephant. 3) 2006: visited Great-Grandma in the nursing home. She looked so tiny and fragile. We brought her pictures from over the years, and all went in a room to spread them out and hear stories. She had a positive attitude and seemed to enjoy it.
I'll conclude with the thought of unfulfilled dreams. I thought it would be neat to have a 5-generation picture taken with some future child of mine, up through Great-Grandma. She was the last great-grandparent of ours. I was bummed until I decided to be there for future generation pictures. I plan on living long, at least. I guess I haven't done them an age-favor, though ;). (The average age for Mom, Gma & G-GMa having their daughters is 20.)