sigh .. . I'm leaving this morning- about a half hour.  For school that is- about a 6-hour drive.  It's becoming more real to me.  Like sharing a room w/ someone, and a living area with everyone!!  My space, peace, anything, is not my own anymore.  I'd forgotten how different this quiet home of my parents' has been from dorm life.  sigh .. . . but it is good to always have someone there.  It was a lot easier to talk w/ someone in the middle of the night, at least.

I slept through the night, and am awake, so that's a good thing, right?  Good for traveling safely, I presume.

I'm actually not bringing any food to school, save some cookies.  I know I'd eat more, but packing anything else seems like torture- I hope I don't regret it!

We've been to so many places the last few days, and there are plenty of stories to tell, but I don't want this to be like a run-down, so I'll do something different.

I've learned and talked a lot about caring for and loving someone lately.  It's been so good to have Aaron here, and to talk things through face-to-face, hand-in-hand .. . . it can be so hard over the phone or e-mail or whatever.  I'm very grateful that we can communicate in so many ways, and I think we know each other better and listen better because of the distance.  I am looking forward to us living in the same area some day, though.  I've cried a lot today.  That's usually what I do when I'm scared.  I know deep down that things will turn out good, and it really seems like Aaron and I will stick together, but after getting kind of used to him being down the hall from me and doing everyday things w/ him, then dropping him off for Spain (London first) and going home alone- that really hurt.  A big part is that it's an important fall for both of us.  He'll be doing something he's never done anything like before, and maybe sparking a passion for something Spanish related (or not) while I'm trying to wrap up college, and mend friendships, dealing w/ 3 of my closest not being around (only 1 of 3 actually went to my school)- - - so I'll want to be happy and involved and the sort at school, all while preparing and applying for a 'real' job that can start soon after graduation, and may take me far away, and I've been really liking seeing my family and Aaron, so what would it be like to be in another country or place for a year or two, coming home maybe once?  It's my life, and I can be independent at times, often, actually- but helping others and letting them help me has seemed so important lately- does it always have to be w/ someone new?

In the midst of all these questions and concerns, I feel a peace from God, reassuring me, showing me I can trust Him.  He's not going to tell me a detailed plan of what's to come, but I can trust him w/ the next step.  It's like when I lose my balance and reach out, he helps me along.  Also, when I'm tired of hiking and want to sit- He gives me that glimpse into something awesome to keep me going.

Aaron and I are back now.  We left Monday morning for Wausau, Wisconsin, and also went to Waupaca and the surrounding areas.  The drives were nice.

We had a good time w/ Amber, getting the tour, and all.  We camped, i mean tented at Jellystone Park, swam, watched Yogi Bear cartoons, had a campfire w/ roasted marshmellows.

Around dinnertime, we headed south last night, ending up at my grandparents.  We watched a little Olympics w/ the family, then headed up to watch a Clint Eastwood movie- - - I ended up nearly falling asleep soon, so Aaron and my cousin headed downstairs- I slept nearly the whole night!  It was so good!! It's also rained now and then the last few days, which Aaron was hoping for, and I've enjoyed.

We're at the library checking out some videos- My Girl and a Russian one- - should be good!  It's good to be some place and not have to drive much too soon- - - I'm ready for a break from the road!

I drove one mile per hour under the speed limit all the way to the Chicago Midway airport.  I got there in an hour and a half.  I bummed around on the side-road there for a few minutes, because according to his flight status, he was delayed half an hour, but I still got there about the time he originally should've been ready, and there he was!! His luggage was nowhere to be seen,though- we hung out for a few minutes, he grabbed his bag, and we were off.  We both had brought food for each other, but ended up eatting only a big apple, some baby carrots, and drinking water.  We were both pretty tired, but were energetic, and it was a good ride.  We got 'home' after 3:30, went to sleep and woke up alright.  A bit tired, but that's to be expected.

Church went well- and we stayed awake.  It was mostly about anger, and I know I have a problem w/ that.  I take too much responsibility, make other peoples' issues mine- and I let stupid little things bother me sometimes.

We dressed up 'country' to go to the fair.  Aaron wore a plaid shirt- kind of khakish green and off white, w/ jeans, a red bandana, and a straw hat.  I wore a green striped shirt w/ a rather big collar, a long jean skirt, and a navy bandana around my neck.  I hardly saw anyone else dressed 'cowboy.'  I only remember one w/ the cowboy hat.  Everyone else just looked like 'normal' w/ jeans or shorts, casual stuff.

We had a good time, and I especially liked 'Amber' a sheep.  She was shaven, and had a wrinkly neck, and by her butt.  I thought she was young, and still growing into her skin.  Aaron thought she was a mom.  She was very socialable, getting close, letting us pet her, eatting Aaron's shirt, licking my hand, climbing up the fence . . . . I made a friend today!

Aaron also tried a real cream puff!! and did he like it?? 'It was pretty good.'  But he ate his half, and helped me finish mine!!

I like how a 1/2 pint of milk is 25c there.  I think it is a good, healthy thing.  I was happy w/ some of the 'socially aware' or  whatever things I saw there.

More about it later.  baaah!

Sorry I haven't updated much lately.

Right now, I'm checking Aaron's flight status.  (I swear I can almost hear an airplane right now!! oh, wait- it's a train)  it's after midnight, and I'm ready to go.  I attempted to take a nap, and it worked OK.  Not solid sleep, but rest.  My family seems to be really excited to see him, too!  Or at least they've talked about it a lot, and cleaned a lot, and are interested.  After we get back (around 4)- we'll sleep (I sure hope so!  I'm really pysched to see him, but I hope I'm not so hyper that I can't sleep!) and then go to church, and then the county fair, and then one or both of two things after dinner.

Hurray! Aaron!!!  I'm wearing a skirt going down to Chicago- I always do when I travel, because they're comfortable and cooling.  If I'm too warm while driving, I get sleepy, and that's dangerous!!  One great thing about travelling (especially if I'm trapped in a car for hours) is that there's usually something good/fabulous at the end of my trip!!  There's (almost) always a purpose!  I may need to pump some upbeat stuff on the way to Aaron, though- night/dark-driving is difficult for me.

I just erased the whole thing!!! grr .. . .

I was moaning about summer being nearly over, and wrote some things to motivate me:

*Work on Photo album for Mom

*Orgainze basement

*write thank-yous

- those are ones that I've pushed off.  Others are too obvious to even mention, like packing for school- I won't go empty-handed!  and having a blast w/ Aaron- as if that would be hard!

So, I'm working today and tomorrow- and that's it at the Golf Club.  Goodbye, beautiful picturesque view!

Although clearance racks have been the place to look, thrift stores are growing more on me.  Besides the gross smell, an advantage is that you already know how it washes up!  It's really frustrating to get a good shirt that you like, and then when it comes out of the wash, it's different- maybe plasticky or something- - I was looking for something to go over a dress- and I found two things at the thrift store- a purple cardigan, and a crocheted off-white top - - along w/ a skirt, capris, and another blouse for a grand total of $15!  I've only been able to do so by giving my cousins or Good Will clothes I no longer wear- - but it was neither Good Will nor the Salvation Army in which I found my treasures today- it was St. Vincent's DePaul- a local thrift store.  But don't just take my word for it- my friend found a pappazan chair in pretty good condition there!  (OK, not there as in here in Wisconsin, but near Minneapolis)  Sorry, but I'm not onw to fuel the economy through my wardrobe.

'Trim you, trim me!' (Trim Up the Tree- How the Grinch Stole Christmas)

here are the promised better pics of Aaron.  They still don't capture him the best, but they look more like him than the previous one.  The one w/ me, too- I wanted to crop, but that hand wrapped around, giving a hug- how could I chop it?  He took it when we first found each other at Urbana this December- and it shows his great hair pretty well-

This second photo is of Aaron and one of his favorite things- hats!!  Although serious at the right times, Aaron can also be silly, like a walrus (but not fat like one).  This was taken summer '03- at Hooky Jack's- one of our favorites- so if you're ever in Rapid City, South Dakota, look it up!

this is what i dreamt this morning:

I was babysitting- taking care of 3 or 4 little ones- when there was a Bible studying going on in my living room that I said I would be at.  I was cleaning and cooking- running around really fast trying to get things done so I could join the study- and Aaron's dad was the person in charge.  I was trying to keep him and Aaron happy, but I didn't want them to know what else I was doing.  Aaron's dad even asking mockingly if I was babysitting, and I said, "No."  It seemed like a pretty casual group there, sitting in my living room, with Coronas and water at hand- and I felt pressure to have a Corona- because that was supposed to impress Aaron's dad somehow, so while I was taking care of other stuff, I was debating what to do w/ the beer.  I then sat down w/ the group and apologized for being late.  Shortly afterwards, the kids ran outside into plain view of everyone else.  I ran after, and talked and played w/ them for a little- then they settled down, and we all went inside, and I sat down w/ the group of adults, but the study was over and Aaron was frowning.  He and I went outside, walking and talking, and things seemed to be better between us when I woke up at 6 and went back to sleep. Then I dreamed:

I was in my car w/ my friend Jamie, her high school sister, a Mexican, and someone else.  I was sitting in the middle of the back seat, which never happens w/ my good friends.  I  felt trapped.  We stopped for gas-barely bumping teh big, white car facing us, and this extravagent lady gets out, telling me that we need to move, because she can't get out otherwise.  SHe was wearing a big fur coat, and looked glamorous.  I intended for us to move, but Jamie already had the gas out and hooked up.  (when I looked for the white car again, it was gone, so she must've gone in reverse)  Jamie was puming gas into my tire and making a huge mess!!  I was more scared than angry- but I did ask what she's doing- and her sister proceeded to tell me how there dad said it made their hair full and luxurious- - and some how, with a dad's authority, I was OK. Meanwhile, they paid for the gas, when I thought I'd have to, and they brought back more change than I expected, which brightened everyone's mood (it must've been a road trip, in which case money can be good)- and we tried giving the Mexican clerk a camera we found, that still had some pictures left, but she put it on top of our car, but then later came back to give us another $5- and we tried giving her the camera again, but she didn't seem to understand, so the Mexican in our car spoke Spanish to her, and gave her the camera, and she walked a way still apprehensive.  At that point, I still didn't think it was safe to drive, so I talked about the dangers, but one of the girls said, "Well, at least it would be over." Meaning, that we'd all die, and wouldn't have to deal with having made a stupid/dangerous decision- but I was arguing about getting maimed or something- when I woke for good.

I think we have a woodpecker attacking our house!! It was a constant rapping, and I thought someone was at the back door, but noone was, and it continued- and I swear it's in the chimney!  I don't want it there, so I jumped up and down, and banged on the wall- and it seemed to stop.  For some reason, I don't imagine woodpeckers living in this area!  Then again, about the most experience I have w/ them is watching 'Woody the Woodpecker.'

It's been chilly lately- high around 70, low in the 50s- during the day!  And it sounds really pathetic to me, because I've felt it's very nice out when it's been much colder, but maybe my body's programmed for it to be hot August- - - it just makes me want to pack my warmest clothes for school!  I think I'll make a hot breakfast today.

this is my first rose that bloomed, back in June, I think it's called Dusk 'N' Dawn.

I'd choose water over wine, if given the option at the dinner table.  I've found water to be refreshing and wine to be gross.  For every use I can think of water having (cleaning, cooking, watering the garden, falling from the sky), I'd prefer water over wine.  But there seems to be something sacred about wine- what is it?  I just keep thinking about the song with the line: 'Would you choose- water over wine?' and then some words I can't remember- and then 'Whatever tomorrow brings, I'll be there. (with open and open arms)'--- Man, I can't think of how it really goes- I like to make words to songs up- when I don't hear them clearly or understand what they mean, I just sort of fill in the blanks.  Well, all I can say is that I will face tomorrow- whatever good or bad, easy or tough things may come my way.

"This one's for the girls
Who've ever had a broken heart
Who've wished upon a shooting star
You're beautiful the way you are
This one's for the girls
Who love without holding back
Who dream with everything they have
All around the world
This one's for the girls"

Martina McBride

For some reason, I've sung along with, or at least enjoyed that song recently when I've been driving.  I'm not a huge country fan, but I've felt connected to that song.  Maybe it's 'cause I'm used to living in girls' dorms, so I love and care for my sisters.  Maybe because it's like a mentor or aunt encouraging me through a song.  Maybe it's 'cause I've been sad, and little things can get to me- either good or bad.

I'm not a girl like the one she sings about- I don't 'love without holding back' or 'dream with everything' I have.  I try to be open, and accept people for who they are, and not judge- but I still hestitate to give everything.  It's scary!  that's not an excuse, but my reason.  I do dream rather big, but I don't always do much to accomplish it.

Why am I so hard on myself?  (answer: doesn't someone have to be?)

This is me, again- today's my birthday- 22!  but the picture was taken in June or July.  I am wearing that dress today!  That cute guy w/ me in the close-up is my boyfriend Aaron.  I'm going to find more pics to share before too long now!

I'm just testing out this picture thing.  I started a little flower garden this summer, and it looked this way in May.  I'll take another pic before I leave to show how much it's grown!

i started this blog thinking that i have it so easy: my parents aren't divorced, I'm not starving or doing demeaning things to prevent myself or family from starving, i've never broken any bones or've had surgery . . .

i'm glaf all those things are true, but they don't encompass my whole life, and maybe there are things i've been through that others can't imagine . . and maybe i'll have a really tough time in the future.  but what does it matter?  I only have to deal with one day at a time- no matter how big something is, I'll always get it in swallowable doses, right??

---on a different note, I saw on the news today that a Chihuaha mom is feeding a baby chipmunk!  Chihpmunk's are so cute!!  and I was excited, because I've been to Salem, and it's far from here, but it's close to my boyfriend's family, so I give a high-five to technology tonight.

It’s thundering and lightning out, so I’ll be safe and not stay on here long. Speaking of weather, sometimes, I go to www.wunderground.com , and check out other cities/states besides my own. It makes me feel like I can experience what others are going through more. For example, it was really humid (is 100% now, but it is raining!) and hot this evening (before the rain) and that’s sure to annoy me. It also started raining, and I caught the drops on my arm as I drove home from work. I love rain!! And water of many sorts. So when I talk on the phone or whatever, I think my surroundings can mean a lot, and also everyones’ surroundings. (YIKES!! VERY BRIGHT lightning, and loud, quickly accompanied thunder- I’ve gotta type faster!)

Here are some interesting weather facts:

Kenosha (Wisconsin): currently, visibility’s 1.8 miles. Length of Day: 14 hours, 23 min.

Orange, CA: Visibility: 7 miles. Length of Day: 13 hours, 44 min.

Keystone, SD: Visibility: 10 miles. Length of Day: 15 hours, 30 min.