Stuff is important to me sometimes.  Although I am still in the 'get rid of all that you can' phase, I still like stuff.  After hanging out with my mom and grandma last night, I drove (more later), and then emptied my trunk and went through almost everything.  It was mostly clothes and shoes, but there's something thrilling about having 'new' stuff.  I honestly probably get more excited about 'shopping' through my closet than at department stores.  Maybe 'cause I know it fits (debatable)?  Anyways, that's that, and I have a 'donate' pile and an 'alter' one started.

I think for me, it sometimes takes not regularly using/seeing something/someone for me to appreciate it better.  It makes it all exciting over again, and there are things I probably wouldn't notice if I were to never step back.  Plus, some things are better in small doses.

Driving can be exhilarating!  I appreciate the public transportation system here- don't get me wrong.  For environmental and probably mental health, etc., it'd be good to have fewer cars on the road.  I'll definitely take the Metro to DC, and sometimes to work, but there's freedom in having wheels (like leaving an hour+ later).  There's also responsibility (cliche) and there's something special about trusting someone else to get you to your destination safely.  As far as accident-wise, I feel safer in a bus (except when I watch it jetting out, taking risks I never would)- a car feels so much smaller and likely to be slammed, to me.  So there you have it.

Technology sucks sometimes.  Pardon my French.  That's actually what I originally wrote here- about swearing and my urge to refer to things as the 'b' word- in form as adjective, verb and noun.  I attricute it to stress and my fellows at the bus stop.  I explained how I've always been careful with my language, etc., but how I now understand that it's just a way to express frustration, etc..  It's no better to exclaim, "Oh, pickles!" than a more popular alternative.  I do think that it's good to protect the children, and that it's disturbing to hear little toddlers mouthing off.

Speaking of swearing, we watched The Butterfly Effect last night.  Great, disturbing movie.  The kind that makes you think about how everything affects everything, and that our 'what ifs' will never reveal what it would truly be like.

This Tropicana apple juice is delicious.  It tastes like a major variety in the blend is the Golden Delicious.  haha

I read a whole lot of mish-mash today.  Or is it miss-match? that doesn't sound right.  Either way, it definitely was enjoyable and full of life.

I've started a new book- The Lilac Bus by Maeve Binchy.  I immediately identified with Nancy, which may not be a good thing.  She is having issues with her roommate- actually, she's kicked out (OK- maybe that's not too familiar) and she's not given an explanation, just that it's time to move on.  The book is written from maybe 8 of the main characters' perspectives, and the others seem to not like Nancy- actually, avoid her.  She's tight with her money- and sees what freebies she can get and bores other people with her stories.  I'm a bit of a tightwad, and just the way she was described hauntingly sounded like me.  I hope to glean a lesson or pointers from the reading.  Of course, I like people more than Nancy apparently does, and hopefully that affects things.

I've eatten random sweets lately.  I gave up chocolate for Lent, and since that was my dessert of choice for the most part, I've had to adjust.  Fruit would be the ultimate dessert, but I still get a kick out of artificials, plus they're already in the cupboard, so I've basically had fudge (marshmallow creme) and frosted Krispie treats (peanutbutter by the spoonful, butterscotch chips)... it's all yummy and I currently don't feel like I'm missing out on much, but Good Friday does seem a long way off, and I have a box of chocolate waiting for me in a high cupboard.  I still want to have a chocolate party- with hot cocoa and everything, but Amber honestly believes I'll be sick if I all-of-a-sudden over-indulge.  I do look forward to baking cookies, though, and am not at a point that I can bake them for others without eating some myself, or strongly wanting to.  I've considered freezing the batter, so it'll be all ready next month.

My mom and grandma are now in Amish Ohio somewhere, on their journey to visit here.  I'm actually kind of sad, because 99% of the time, when I see my family after not doing so for a while, it is in Wisconsin, and is all of my family, and some friends.  There's something special about being 'home' and all of the familiarities of the area.  I've now lived here for 4 months, and am rather familiar where things are, and it feels OK.  I'm excited to show them around and spend time with them!    I guess part of my hesitation is that I don't have extra beds for them.  We have sleeping bags, but it's all tile- we've got a cool place and all, it's just not all there yet- so they're staying at a hotel that's easier for them to access the Metro from (plus it has a pool!!)  I want to have a place where people can sta over- let's saying we're watching a movie or something, or maybe they're sick from the chocolate party- they can just crash with us!  That's a goal, at least.  It's kind of hard when I don't want to commit to furniture.  I want to get rid of stuff instead of getting more- be free to move to another place, yet that doesn't help my hospitality goals.  Mom's bringing a trunk full of my things.  Mostly clothes/shoes.  I hope there are some useful/fun things amongst it all, but I also hope it's not too painful to part with a good chunk of it.  I don't want to have my stuff just sitting around my parents' home.

It's sunny and warm (upper 50s) today.  I sat outside reading for lunch.  I hope to have a splash of color so my mom and grandma believe that I'm doing well/am healthy.  I wonder why, when it's about the weather, it's often the 'high' 50s, while when it's age, it's 'upper.'  Is 'upper' more respectful?  And why it's 'lower' vs 'early.'  (e.g. "I'd say he's in his early 30's.")  Hmm.

For those who've been to DC before, or have a special place in their heart for it and have done research, what's your suggestion for a museum to visit?  We'll go all day Saturday and maybe part of Sunday, plus they'll go Friday (so it can be quite a few).

I am what I eat.  Or at least I smell like it (according to Amber).  I guess in processing the food (spices, especially) my body likes to release it through my pores.  Or maybe having large pores makes me more obivous than others.  In either case, I think that may be what happens with how I ingest non-foods, too.  It just comes out through my skin.  This may be in my posture or smile or sad eyes.  I'd like to think that I can be composed, and that I can keep myself together when there's a lot to deal with, but I know that's not always the case.  There are certain people I can't hide from, including my mom.  And I don't even have to see her- I just hear her voice, and I can't hold my pain/what's going on in.   That's why I avoid her when life's in limbo.  I don't want to worry her, so I might not talk with her for a few days until it seems more stable (or when a call is overdue).  I'd like to be transparent, but not to everyone everywhere.  Not everyone cares (about the truth), so why burden them?  They've got enough stuff to deal with on their own.  I know I could go to my friends when I need support, but for whatever reason, I often choose to bare my own load.  All this is stemming because of my work situation.  Once again, there was something I should be doing (overheard the lady complaining) so I approached her, and tried talking to her, but she said she'd take care of it from them on (when obviously she doesn't want to, and it's something I could easily do).  Is that what I do when I try to manage everything myself and don't count/lean on my friends?  Do I complain and try to do it all, when it'd be so much better to swallow my pride and ask for some help?

The birthday party was a blast!  I was concerned because there was drinking and talking about drinking, so I thought Amber would be very uncomfortable/upset, but there was also college basketball on TV, and good company, so it all worked out.  We got off the highway early to avoid tolls, and drove by some of the most beautiful homes I've seen.  Winding roads, white "horse fences," hills...  I definitely want to 'garage sale' there.  It just seemed like a nice break, like a drive through the Midwest.  There is still land in Maryland, but not that much, and there is a ton of traffic and businesses.  I guess the Reston (city of party) Town Center is a model for future communities.  I think it's a combination of business offices, shopping, and entertainment.  That also seemed like a cool place to visit.  The party was definitely low-key, with about a dozen of us mingling.  The food was great and homemade.  The architecture was great, too- there was a table/chair display on a groove probably 10 feet in the air.  I like nooks and crannies.  Crooks and grannies sometimes, too.  Not much more to say about that.  It was just easy to talk with everyone, and good times to be had (we left after midnight, I think).

'Friday Afternoon at the Office,' or 'Solitude in Tennessee?'  I was looking at a beautiful photo from my parents' future hometown in Tennessee today.  Mountains, farmhouses, green... it looked so wonderful and spring-like and solitary!  I thought that it's way different than here, and perhaps even backwards.  That is, until the minutes ticked by here, and it seemed like a ghost town.  A majority of my co-workers are here, but it'd be hard to prove it.  Normally, people stop by and chat for a little, or are talking to others in the hallways or as they walk past.  Not so.  They must be confined to their desks or something, because they're not by me, and they're quiet, yet when I walk past, they're there.  It is the quietest and perhaps most lonesome day I've worked in a long time.  I partially take back the lonesome.  It's not really- I'm just in a people mood, so I'm being dramatic.  Good thing I'm going to a birthday party (in Virginia!) tonight!!  It's for a guy at church, and his wife is having a homemade Italian dinner and everything.  She reminds me of Hope- good with people and company and food and obivously deeply loving/adoring her husband.

Left Out in the Rain and other ways to know your not loved:  Sometimes, it's hard to see or accept the obvious, but the truth is right there pounding on you.  Like when somehow a newspaper gets sent to you, but you don't subscribe, and you call to get it stopped, but it doesn't, and so you leave the paper where it was in the driveway/porch, while it storms out.  You want to get rid of it, and maybe not treat it poorly, but it doesn't seem to get the hint, so you hope that the carrier seeing it abandoned and soaking will get a clue.  When I think of this, I think of guy/girl relationships.  But I don't think it's usually that clear.  We're not usually that ruthless to each other.  On the other hand, I've never met so many bold guys before.  I don't know if it's an East Coast thing, or if I look vulnerable or something, but random guys have hit on me and asked me out.  Maybe they're just desperate.  Luckily, it's happened in very public places, and there's always been a way to escape if, let's say, he went overboard.  Also, I'm never that dressed up, so I really don't know what the deal is.  I need to think of some good response- like invite them to church or something.  I somehow want to send them in a good direction.

One more thing: (an observation from a few days ago, but might as well update here)
The Life of the Observor: (do your own growing)  I do try to live vicariously through others (at least sometimes).  Characters' lives in books and movies become mine, and their adventures?  my memories.  I'm serious. When I was 9, I read a book about a girl and her horse, and I remember thinking at the time, "Have I really not gone to competitions?"  It seemed like my reality was fantasy- like those false memories I had had to be real.  You can ask Amber- I have a lot of false realities.  Lately, they mostly come from my dreams- I swear that a conversation happened or we changed our plans or something, and it takes her confused look to convince me that it never happened.  There are periods in my life that I'd rather sit back and observe (and I have) but I'm seeing now that I am not a moth.  or a wall.  I am a person- who others can see, even if I don't say anything.  I can be noticed, and I should do something.  It's not that I expect others to live my life for me- it's that I don't act (which can be attributed but not excused by being balance-brained as opposed to right- or left-).  I think, and then I realize that in all this analyzing, I haven't actually done anything, and sometimes not doing anything is still doing something.  Or is at least a waste.  before I know it, huge piles of my life have been swept away by the current.  Don't get me wrong- sometimes I feel in the middle of things and very connected, but not often enough, I think.  I am being proactive- I'll help get the rest of our stuff from storage this weekend, and will do things for other people, etc..  I won't be just words today.

Is this what I do to other people?  When I don’t have control over some part of my life, therefore overcompensating in others, do I make others feel totally incompetent, or at least undermine them in one way or other?  I sure hope not.  Sorry if that’s true.  I think I tend to do that with my physical surrounding- like straighten up the apartment, organize my things, but do I do that with relationships or generally make people feel like crap?  Often, I try to excuse or at least reason out other peoples’ behavior, but lately, it’s been too much.  I’ve been treated like a nimwit, only worse, at work lately, by one person.  It’s the most bizarre thing, and it’s hard not to feel personally attacked, but they are going through a tough time in their life outside work, and are letting deadlines and such at work bother them to no end.  And won’t let me help, but make me feel like total dirt for not.  It feels like an awful trap, but I’m supposed to stick it out, and not take it personally.  Easier said… 

and then yesterday, I was at a bus stop, and this guy comes up to me and asks me what religion I am, and I say, “Christian.”  He: “So you believe in Jesus?” me: “and the Holy Spirit and God.”  Then he asked something about my body when I die, like me being in heaven, and my family having my body.  I didn’t get it, and he repeated, and I said I thought I got what he meant, and he walked away.  I wanted to ask about his beliefs, but I didn’t.  He then came right up to the glass (I sat in a terminal while waiting) and started screaming, screaming, screaming!!  At that point, there was another guy on the bench with me, so I can’t say for sure that it was directed at me, but I’m pretty sure.  I read my book and prayed and stayed put.  I was at a busy bus station, and wasn’t about to go for a walk with this guy.  The way he was going on, I half expected to get shot to death.  I certainly meet interesting people on/near the bus.  Lately a god number talk to themselves (no earpiece or logical conversations- just observations about some moral issues.)  So yeah, I don’t know if there’s spiritual warfare going on (which it actually seems like to me) or it’s all a bunch of coincidence, or if I’m just becoming aware of stuff like that, but yeah, scary, crazy stuff.

Tonight’s the ‘first night of the rest of my life’ as some like to say.  I’m beginning to regularly teach an adult ESOL class.  I’m slightly nervous, as I normally have done it with co-teachers before, and because I’m putting a lot value into it.  Since that’s what my degree’s in, and I haven’t done much with it besides research, I really hope to see if this is something that I want to continue to pursue.  I’m also really hoping to find a good thrift store or garage sale soon, but that’s another story.

Top o' the afternoon to you.

How was St. Patrick's Day?  Mine was great.  Not what I expected, but what ever is?  I'd hoped it'd be warm enough to wear a green skirt, but alas, no.  I dyed my hair red for the occasion- which I still haven't decided the tone of.  Sometimes it looks berryish, sometimes copper- but Amber claims 'natural.'  She likes it so much she says I should dye it permanently (it should wash out in a week).  I like it, and don't have to look at myself nearly as much as everyone around me, so we'll see.  If I can get a pic on here, I will.

I'm having a hard day.  Drama.  I guess a previous receptionist really rocked here, and then got hired for another position within the department.  I'm glad he was that great, but I'm not (yet).  Part of it is that I haven't gotten assigned much to do (or trained).  I've mastered some things, but others have been thrown on me with little explanation, and quick deadlines...  Didn't work out somuch, because my boss didn't have patience to go over it with me.  I understand the need to get things done on time, but one person can only do so much, and I want to help her out- not have to do everything...  I'm definitely not feeling as good about being here as I have before.
On the other hand, I'm getting good career advice- did I mention the business lunch last week?  But again, I don't know what to think of what's progressing there- I've been invited to a spa party by the guy (one of those things you host, like Avon or Pampered Chef) and it sounds fun, but I need to find out more, because I don't want it to be anything weird, like if he likes me.  He's probably 20 years older, and friendly- so I just want to be safe and smart.  I don't think that every guy likes me (some people have actually thought that).  I know I'm paranoid sometimes, but I'm just trying to know what I'm getting myself into.

Today we're actually moving into the new place- at least with our basic things.  The rest we'll fetch from storage over the next 2 weeks.  That's exciting!  and terrifying. Not really terrifying, but I feel terrified- why do I let stress and paranoia grip me so much sometimes?  I wanna cry.  I'm in the flight mode of 'fight or flight.'  I'm thinking of a temp job that I've really liked (even though it can't be full-time) and how this current job is good, but is going nowhere (except maybe in the networking department).

Who knows what will happen?  I don't want to focus on my fears or sadness, so I'll read the Bible and world news.  That should give me some perspective.  I'll try to hold my tears in check 'til lunch (not working so well). 

Last night, we signed a lease through the end of June.  At that point they can decide if they'd still like to rent it to us, and we can see if we still want to stay.  Hurray!  We start moving in Wednesday.  I had a wonderful weekend, full of friends and excitement and beautiful weather.  It was in the 70s and sunny and had that humid spring feel.  Birds chirped, people smiled, the wind blew, people wore skirts and t-shirts.

Amber and I went to a potluck at someone from church's house.  It's the first time she's met anyone from there, but she totally fit in, and felt comfortable and laughed a lot.  These people must be quality-time or at least relaxed, because it went from 6:30 'til past 10, and there were good times to be had throughout.  I can't wait 'til our place is set up and we can host one!  Some summer day... And these people (from church) are amazing!  They are so generous and everything- letting us stay with them, cleaning up their places and offering us food, and apologizing for being busy, and just basically going out of their way to accomodate us.  We did nothing to deserve this excellent treatment, so I can only hope to repay it by doing the same for others when I can.

Today is more wet than usual, but it's also supposed to be the warmest of the week (80) before dropping down to normal pre-spring temperatures 50s/30s.  It is wonderful to be able to breathe in fresh air and walk around on a cloudy bright day.

The place we're staying at 'til Wednesday looks like a blend of San Francisco and New York City to me.  Not that I have extensive experience with either, but the houses are built almost on top of each other, and on hills, and are a variety of colors...  Very cool.

That's what it smelled like I did, but I swear it was just mouthwash.  I thought it was some guy's cologne, but nope, just me.

I don't work well against the clock.  At least not too often.  The reason I say this is because of a word game on Millsberry.  It's one of those "how many words can you make from these scrambled letters?" sort of deal.  I'm devoting some Sudoku time to that now, because it's a kid game, and if I can't master the basics, that's not cool.  (I've hardly gotten past the first round).  I'd rather have somewhat intelligent conversations than try to fit people into my number grid (really, when I've worked on Sudoku over a weekend, everything becomes numbers to me).

Tonight, Amber and I are looking at another place.  I won't bother with details unless it works out, but is a basement apartment, and we're excited about it.

Amber's Narcissus is like a weed.  She left it hibernating in the fridge for a few weeks, and since she's taken it out, it's grown by leaps and bounds.  It's literally grown inches a day, and is flowering like crazy.  More people would probably 'garden' if this were more often the case.  I know I can be impatient in many areas, and that I can't expect or even hope to see the blooms in my lifetime (but it's sure refreshing/amazing when that happens, isn't it?)  Also, the Narcissus has a very strong smell- I'd compare it to citronella and a general 'earthy' scent.  It really surprised us.

We are on the last feet of common ground.  Or at least familiar.  We will rent a storage room for a month, and live with friends for a couple days each until we have something more permanent.  We've unofficially rejected the basement apartment opportunity.  The little controlling things pushed me over the edge- laundry only 3 days a week, between 11pm and 7am and no males over ever are a few examples.  I can count the times we've had guys over on one hand, but if we have a casual party, only girls can come?  Boy do I hate to feel restricted/constricted.  This weekend, numerous people/friends at church offered us a couch as we transition, and we're taking them up on that.  Aren't friends great?  I want to be able to offer friends a couch/brownies, etc.  Some day.  There's still a possibilty that we'll find a place in the area, but we're also looking in Florida.

Today is wonderful and semi-spring, and Monday.  I can't say that there is anything out of the ordinary or over-the-top, but I feel at peace, and two reasons that I'm happy/grateful/excited are: 1) we hung out with Tan Dave last night and 2) I've got a dentist appointment this week close to work.  Last night, Tan Dave called, was in Virginia, and before I knew it, we were hanging out and it was so good to see him.  He's one of the nicest and most full-of-life people I've met.  I enjoy any time we get to spend together.  As far as the dentist goes, I've had a loose crown for a little while now, and my insurance card came this weekend, and I was able to get an appointment this same week.  (I'll gladly take prayer for my tooth- I'm hoping it needs nothing more than glue but can we really tell God what we want to happen?  and also prayer for housing choices and the people that are gracious enough to open their homes to us- oh, and for Amber- she hurts- her collar bone, back, everything?  Thanks!).

Inconsistency:  I am a curious person, who likes to ask questions, especially if it is encouraged (I didn't as much in elementary school, but with my close friends, etc., it's almost like I'm a 3-year-old.)  At work, I thought I was supposed to ask questions instead of making mistakes, but 1 person who had my position before and was very helpful at first, was very short with me the other day, but now is cool again.  I know there are things I can figure out on my own, but I like to talk/ask anyways to feel reassured.  Another person is also seemingly impatient today, but she shouldn't even be here- she should be at home resting (has medical problems, and surgery this week).  My patience changes.  There's a lot that I put up with sometimes, and very little other times.  I don't know that it makes sense- only that I brush some things off, but they are probably inside of me somewhere, only to come out later at perhaps an inopportune time.

Lately, it's been a time of others telling me what to do.  Not my parents or family, or most of my friends- but near-strangers and Amber.  Amber not too much- just having me think realistically as far as what to do with housing.  Other people (co-workers especially) have been on my case.  One about finding a place to live, two others about applying for jobs (I'm working, aren't I?) and random ones about what book to read and going to the Renaissance festival - all of these have been rather unprovoked except for what I've shared with them about my life.  So that goes back to curiousity- sometimes I don't even have to ask to learn new things.

The Fat Tuesday dinner at church last night was amazing.  So much so that I stayed for 3 hours.  Not only was there great food (pancakes, 'fun juice' ) and music, the people were all in a social mood.  I talked with some people I hadn't even met yet.  There was almost a housing-lead, but it would mean sharing a house with a guy, and I guess that just won't work.  Something will, though.