Imagine the possbilities: Artic Noah's Ark vault... (pertaining to seeds)

For whatever reason, I can't help but think of preserving people/races/certain genes.  Then I think about how important each individual person/how precious life is, and I know that while science rocks and can do many wonderful things, it can't preserve anyone forever.  We're meant to live, and to die.  And that reminds me of Frequency, and how when one life was saved, so many more were lost...

Sap or romantic?  A friend used her definitions of the two (when I asked) to describe some of what she thinks (or doesn't) of me.  It wasn't a pretty picture.  I'm glad she said it, sorry I come across that way (so selfish), and hopeful that it's not really that bleak.

How was everyone's weekends?  Mine ended up feeling like the beginning of summer vacation.  I'm not used to the 'working world' yet.  It was so nice just relaxing in a backyard yesterday, eating, enjoying company.  It felt somewhat familiar- like it could have been my family, but I didn't know many people very well, and the average age was less than half of my relatives.  It was a good opportunity to meet new people, but it was also nice because it was a generally quiet experience- little talking.  I was steaming when I arrived, and am sure it showed even through my sunglasses, but I eventually cooled off.  I had to take a long walk later that evening to work off more of my attitude.  There is a church nearby that has what seems like fields of lilacs adorning its garden- such a great variety of colors/shades, that even though most have wilted now, the few remaining in the sea of green leaves make up for it.  and then the goslings.  I watched the Canadian Geese families for a while.  Those goslings are so cute with their fuzziness and imitating their parents and little tweets!

The DaVinci Code film disappointed me.  boo.  I was so excited about it, despite the reviews, but I can see that they were on the right track.  Where was the action?  the excitement?  the cohesion?  There was definitely potential there, and I was impressed with what I saw, meaning if I didn't try to make sense of it, but wanted to check out places in Europe or guys beating themselves up- I'd definitely be impressed by the stillshots.  Although I was falling asleep, it was hard to keep up with what was going on- even with the background of reading the book.  So that's that.  Overall good night and great tiramisu. :)

Amazing time.  Alexandria, VA is equivalent to Uptown, Minneapolis.  I knew there was a cool, artsy flare to the general DC area, but I didn't realize how mundane and artificial and corporate my world had become 'til last night, while walking down cobblestone sidewalks shared with dogs and very interesting-looking people.  They weren't dressed professionally, yet weren't in jeans and t-shirts- there were wild haircuts/colors, multiple piercings, clothes with no obvious origins... it was great!  I felt out-of-place, and I was just wearing something casual- oh well, next time.  So, if you like that kind of thing, and also music like Harmony LaBeff (or Jason Mraz's 'Remedy', if you don't know Harmony)- and also really loud more vibrant music (not one genre), then make it out to a Post Secret (movie) screening.  They're teamed up w/ Found, who collects receipts and odd notes and such- very intetesting insight into peoples' lives!  It was a great experience, and very moving- the movie was accompanied by a great CD combined w/ live vocals, a flute, violin and a saxophone.  Amazing.  Apparently, the guy who receives these post cards (over the last 16 months) has received 40,000 of them- what a life!  To carry/know so many secrets... is that what it's like to be a counselor or psychiatrist?  hmmm...  Post Secret is very popular, and the shows have gotten sold out, so if you're interested, buy the tickets when available.  They're touring the country (and Canada).  The Found boys are from Michigan (or at least live there).  It was good hearing Northern voices, and between that and one of them singing like Harmony, like I said, I wanted to enjoy it more- just stick around, but we left early because it was getting late and it's important to get home, no matter how good of a night it is (and the Metro doesn't run 24-7).  Great times....

P.S.
I guess there are only limited instances in which both Post Secret and Found are teaming up.  Found's website has more clear information- I think either would be good by themselves, though.

P.P.S
I found my pulse yesterday on the Metro, literally.  I found it in my foot- a vein that pulsed to the rhythm of my heart!

I like me.  I can be quite humorous, clever, and other special things.  Everyone has something going for him/her, including me.  I was reading some old entries of mine, and was impressed.  Before you turn away in disgust over my egocentricity, hear me out.  I think that it's important that we like ourselves- after all, that's one person we'll always live with.  Sure, I can be impossible sometimes, and can be very frustrating and many other discouraging things, but there are times that I'm just hilarious!  I think it's good to be able to laugh at yourself, and if you can't you can at least laugh at me (regardless of whether I'm trying to be funny).  One thing that I've noticed about myself is the amount of effort/thought I put into myself vs. others.  I spend a lot of time thinking about and admiring others, but how much do I actually spend serving them?  Not much, I think.  I spend time reading and talking with others but am I a good friend?  All of my jobs have been in serving roles, whether an actual product, or some other need of the customer, but do I just waste my free-time?  It seems so to me, when I see other friends who are busy 24-7 in what seems to be 'serving others' mode- they put aside sleep and food and rest to do the job that others (like me?) don't.  I'm not saying this to whine- just to say it- hold myself accountable for making a change and moving on.

Speaking of moving on, Amber's interview yesterday went well- so much so in fact that she's planning on moving.  If she doesn't want me to share this, I'll delete it, but until then:  It's down to her or a couple (who are interviewing at the end of June).  She feels good about it, and is planning on moving out mid-to-late June- back to her parents/hometown until she's got the job/for the summer.  There's a remote possibility she'll move back here, but only if she doesn't get that job and she gets a good one here.  As she was interviewing (or getting prepared to) yesterday, I sat here holding back tears.  That's odd for me, like I've said- it doesn't usually become real to me 'til after/while it's happen-ed(-ing).  Amber is very special to me, and I won't let her go w/o a fight, but if this is where she's supposed to go, I'll support her.  Only if someone was brainwashing her or she was being dumb would I step in her way (and she has for me).  I think one reason it is so hard for me to let her go (besides the obvious like she's fun to be around) is that I'm used to being the one leaving, not left.  This wasmost apparent when I left Mt. Rushmore.  I worked there one summer, and made good friends that I keep in touch with to this day.  Everyone left at different times.  I don't even remember who left before me, but I know that it was a hard time- a lot of crying.  It was another moment that I was very 'present' emotionally, etc.  I felt grieved.  ("Grieved" by Peter Gabriel (on my City of Angels soundtrack) touches me deeply, and I've listened to it for hours sometimes)  When the school-year was ending years ago, it wasn't a big deal.  A week or so into the summer, I'd miss my friends and classes, but who can complain about a summer of swimming and sun?  I don't know why, but when I started kindergarten, I waved Mom goodbye, and ran right in (is that odd for someone who had never been to pre-school or anything of the sort?  I must have trusted God or Mom or the teacher) while my mom cried.  I guess it's the opposite for some kids?  Going out-of-state for college, moving to CA or here has been exciting- I was a little nervous, but certainly not sad.  There were points at each place that I wish I were 'home' or that the ppl I knew would understand me the way only ppl can do after knowing and being around you for years.  There have definitely been times that I've been lonely and frustrated, but not too homesick.  There's nothing I'm running away from, except maybe complacency.  I think I've held my friends (and everyone else, for that matter) at a distance in the past.  It's easier to not break the surface and get to an uncomfortable point.  That is, until you realize you can't much of a meaningful or real anything unless you're honest about where you're coming from and what you feel.  There's a time for everything, and not everyone should know what I think of them at every moment or how they affect me, but they should often (and me of them).  No matter how long I've known someone, or how much I'd like to believe it, I cannot read minds, and I can guess wrong.  I can hear the words you say, and they mean something you don't intend.  That's why it's good to ask questions and clarify.  I am rather good at reading peoples' emotions (unless they're good at masking them), but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell me what's up.  Of course, you don't have to tell me anything, but I care, will try to understand you, won't blab it to the world... 

Going back to the 'mask' thing- I need to work on that for myself!!  My emotions are on my face.  I do not have a 'poker face.'  Sometimes I try, but I totally fail.  If something's bothering me, you'll see either the glare or tears.  If I'm very happy or excited, you'll see me beaming.  Whatever the case may be, it's out there- can anyone teach me to be composed?  I can hold it together sometimes, especially if it's on the phone or something, but you look right in my eyes, and I can't help showing you how I feel.  That's why I gravitate towards sunglasses or want to wear a mask- ppl can really know what's going on with me, and that can be scary!!  But I'm embracing that more, and seeing that as a good thing, and appreciating honesty and openness.  Nonetheless, sometimes I need to not let whatever is going on in my head/life affect what I'm currently working on, so if you have suggestions on how to appear different than I feel, please share.

Third blog today- wow.  Check out Amber's- much different results.  It fits with her "ring by spring."  Feel free to share your opinion or your results.

If you want fresh vegetables and honey-drenched, moist chicken, and you're in the area of Cafe Deluxe, go for it.  Being spoiled that I am, my parents having grown fresh aspargus and peaches and the sort, I was impressed with their crispy softness- they are true to their word when they say 'fresh.'  The mashed potatoes were fused with onions and other flavorful herbs.  The roasted chicken I can only describe as "sweet."  It practicaly fell apart, it was so tender.  As someone who dips her chicken nuggets in honey (sometimes BBQ), the sweetness was not overwhelming- but everything there was wonderful or looked wonderful, so I'd definitely recommend it.

... life is hardly ever dull.  I'm still in the middle of everything, in transition, but WOW is life interesting.  One thing that inspires me to say this is that the job that Amber has her heart set on (out-of-state) is giving her an in-person interview today.  Regardless of what happens, the timing of it all is impeccable.  She 'just-so-happens' to not work 'til the afternoon on Wednesdays, the pastor 'just-so-happens' to be in town today, DC 'just-so-happens' to have a good public transportation system- and probably a million other things working together to make this happen.  She just got the call this morning about this interview (she's already had one over the phone).  I'm so excited for her!!

Other exciting news is that an awesome couple in CA are pregnant!!  We were in a Bible study together, and they are wonderful, giving, fun people and I'm very happy for them.  This is an unexpected thing, and they're in their 40s, so please keep them in your prayers.

One concern that I'd had earlier this week was about housing- our current place was listed as 'available' in Amber's church 'shopper ad.'  I played phone tag with our landlords, and was worried (did we do something that makes them not want to lease it to us anymore?) but last night, I got a hold of them, and it was just a misunderstanding.  They had submitted the ad months ago, and it only got printed recently.  We can still live there :)

I hung out with a cool woman from church last night (a pastor, in fact).  I can see some of myself in her- and it was good hearing a little of where she's coming from and telling her about myself, also.  It's so great learning more about interesting, important people, isn't it?  Not that I can really think of someone who's not interesting or important...

I'm a big geek sometimes- sometimes I act like I'm back in junior high- playing guessing games and not being straight-forward.  Or maybe that's just part of my personality?  I'm not direct about many things.  At least now it has less to do with confidence and more to do with, "do they really care what I have to say?"  or is that the same thing?
You know you're a morning person when you can sleep in a little, and yet still wake up at 5 and are ready to start your day :)  I wonder what will happen by the time I retire?  From the trend that my relatives set, they all wake up a couple hours earlier as they approach and pass retirement.  It seems so much easier to do things in the morning, and that I can get so much more done (as opposed to staying up to finish something- I get to a point that it would take much longer to finish something at night than to sleep and work on it in the morning; all-nighters had their place once in a while in college, though).

This is still the middle of my crazy week- filled with fun people and things to do!  My second interview with the church is today- and that's a different experience.  Before this, I'd only met the people I'd potentially be working with or my boss(es) at the interview, and in this case, I've known them for a few months, am comfortable around them and they know me a little.  That makes it both more and less nerve-wracking.  There seems to be more to lose, but if nothing else, we'll all get to know each other a little better.  And I already know that I like them (and they me?) and have an idea of what type of environment it'll be.

"It's Wednesday."  Is that a typical response that you get to, "How are you today?"?  I get that all the time in this office, and while I miss out on a lot of jargon, days-of-the-week as an indicator of how well someone is definitely common-place.  It's the predictable Monday=sad to be here, Wednesday=mixture tending towards happiness, Friday=good/happy/exhaust ed.  I use those words sometimes, too.  Generally, I answer questions honestly, but if I'm not doing well and don't want to share the gloom, I tend to not answer the question at all.

I feel like I'm back at square one, or that all roads lead there.  I won't elaborate for the time being, because everything's up in the air, and it may fall differently than 'the worst.'  but I feel this way so much so that I'm even tempted to cut my hair here at the front desk.  Traditionally, cutting or dying my hair has been a way to have a clean start, or to liven things up a bit.  During high school/college especially, this was the case.  It's not quite the same feeling when someone does my hair for me, but it generally looks better this way.  I think it's kind of like the seasons- cutting away my tips is like showcasing the new growth, or something like that... 

Church was great yesterday.  It's still impacting me today- that's why I didn't elaborate on my worries.  It was about fear- healthy and unhealthy ways of handling it, healthy and unhealthy fears, period.  It was actually interesting, because it was the same text as last week (I John 4:7-21).  Some healthy fears are being run over (look both ways before crossing the street) and the myriad of things that our nervous system warns us off (DON'T TOUCH BOILING WATER! OUCH!!!).  Some unhealthy fears are thoughts such as "It's my fault my parents divorced" or highly unlikely things such as "If I work above ground anywhere near a window, I'll get struck by lightning" or probably taking any fear that we take away from the news or movies.  I didn't realize that we lived in such a fear-driven society.  Manipulative and messed-up, yes, but fear-driven?  Just think of common ads- they obivously sell an image, such as "You could/will be young, sexy, well-liked and (who needs more than that?), when you use our product."  It's often well over-the-top.  (are they really selling gum?)  Advertising is very interesting to me, yet deceptive, and I don't appreciate it sometimes- especially since I often get the feeling that I'm not good enough, or need something else in my cupboard/closet in order to be likeable to others or normal or desirable.  It's not fair, and it's not true.  What's the basis of my existence?  or what is my value based upon?  So, one fear that these companies are pounding into us is that we're not good enough.  Good enough for what?  friends?  to be seen in public?  to feel cofident/comfortable with who we are and what we have?  Obviously, this is a sensitive/important topic to me.  I hate being deceived and lied to (and hate that on behalf of others, too).  One thing that I still have a hard time with is how to small-talk with others.  It's so easy to talk about a flattering outfit someone has on, or some other cool, outward thing- but I know that's just solidifying the importance of appearance.  I know that who someone is goes much deeper than that, and I try to let people know how important they are down-deep, and the kind of impact they've had on me, and what truths I notice about them, but when it's an aquaintance, I let social norms take over (I don't want to freak someone out).  At the same time, I wonder what impact praising actions gives- because the heart/motives come out in actions, right?  Who knows....  So, some ways of reacting to fear that are unhealthy include over-reacting, running away, and buying off.  Buying off?  I can't remember what that's about, but if you have ideas, please share.  Amber is (seriously) concerned that I'll give myself an ulcer.  I internalize (sometimes verbalizing) my fears.  Liking spicy food, deep-fried, and junk food, and valuing my health overall, I don't want that.  I guess you could say that my fear of not enjoying those things catapults me into wanting to not worry.  Crazy, huh?  I rationalize worry by thinking about it as "exploring the possibilities."  I think I fail to acknowledge the good/positive/exciting possibilities sometimes.  I don't know why that is, but it may have to do with communicating in general.  I'm used to not talking until things go bad.  It kind of seems redundant to state the obvious, positive things, like "I like you," "I like that you're honest with me about..."  "I appreciate that you treat me with respect."  Therefore, if you're someone who likes words (and even if you don't) you may not feel/know for sure that you're very important to me and I think highly of you.  Sorry.  I'm working on it.  Please bear with me if I state the obvious or sound ridiculous sometimes.  I think I was taught to just bring 'issues' up (and even then, not often, or until it's a huge deal).  The first thing that comes to mind is rather embarassing.  I have a hard time throwing away things (or at least I used to- sometimes I want to get rid of verything now).  So, growing up, my room got messy (but I knew where everything was, I swear).  At some point, my dad moved every single thing out of my room, and I had to go through every drawer, etc., throwing stuff out/giving it away, before it could go back in my room.  Long, tedious process.  I hated all of my stuff being in the hall, because then I didn't know where it was, and when you have projects and things going on... I'd like to say I learned my lesson and that experience wasn't repeated, but that's not true.  I have learned, and don't have as much stuff, although I still do have things at my parents' house that I'd like to go through/bring out here!  I think one attachment that I have to stuff is memories- "but that's written in the secret language Serpe and I made up"...  OK, that's a golden example, but there are other things that don't matter so much, that someone else could actually use, instead of sitting in a box.

Back to 'fears.'  Some things we can do to deal, are: 1)Let it go.  2) Take a small step foward.  3)Pray to God to take ownership.  The illustration that (Gary?) used, was of a samuri.  Before going into battle, they dipped the tip of their sword in a bucket of water (which symbolized their fears), and then as they went to fight, they held that sword, those fears, in front of them, taking hold of them and using those fears as a weapon.

"I trust you."  Why?  What's the basis?  The statement was made by a co-worker when I asked if he'd like a verification e-mail for a meeting I set-up for him.  Keep in mind that this is the first time we've spoken- I might've gotten two, "Hi"s from him during the 3 months I've been there (can we say, "shy"?)  I don't know if there is even a basis, or if he really cares or what, but it's crazy to me that some people trust so easily (at least with small things like that that don't matter too much in the long-run), and others don't trust someone who's more than proven themselves...  As far as trusting me to do what I've said I've done or will do at work goes, it is a pretty sure bet- I hardly make mistakes there- but there are some important things going on, so if I make a mistake on one of those things, then there is reason to be iffy or not trust me.  Especially if you don't have any experience with me going-through on my word, because you've never dealt with me before.  Maybe I have a good reputation ("HA!" to that- I know there's mixed reviews- with one vocal woman at work trying to drive me out)...  I don't know how much I trust/believe others.  Ideally, I'd like to believe what they say, but usually it's based on whether I believe it's plausible more than anything else.  As far as Amber goes, when she gives advice, or something of the sort, especially about hair for some reason, I give her a "look" or am not convinced until I go out in the world or try it out for a few days, and then think it's good... One of the things that she says too often is, "See, I told you..."  This often has to do with guys, too- one thing that she pointed out is that even though she's never dated, etc., God has given her insight or words into mine and others' situations.  I think that's cool, and shows that God does reveal things, and it's not just all our own doing and scheming and reflecting.

The interview went well yesterday, and I'm excited about it, but they do have a second interview with someone else Monday, so I'll be contacted Monday afternoon/evening about whether I get a second interview.  That's kind of hard to accept, but just because I had my heart set on it- I think my steps are guided, and if I don't get it, there's a better and more perfect place I'm supposed to be at!

It's sunny and beautiful out today, and the flowers (especially irises) are bigger and more healthy-looking than I've seen in the Midwest, but they do have milder winters here...  It had been rainy and cloudy all week, so that makes today extra-special.

It's Friday, all!!  Or at least it is as I write this.  That means that I have my interview with the church during lunch, that my work-week is wrapping up, that I drove my car today, will pick up Amber around 10 tonight, must be prepared for this birthday-filled weekend and today's the day to water plants at work.  Probably some more things, too.

I've been reading The DaVinci Code, and I didn't know it'd be this exciting!  It's intense, and action-packed, and good so far- not challenging in an 'attack-on-the-church' sort of way that I thought it was supposed to be, but I'm not even half-way, so I'm sure it's coming.  I'd like to finish it before the weekend's over, and maybe see the movie.

Speaking of adventures, I feel a bit like Indiana Jones today.  It's a combination of what I'm wearing and from reading DaVinci (references to the holy grail).  My button-down shirt (or is it 'up'?) reminds me of when he wears his white one- except mine's blue, I'm a girl, and am not wearing that cool hat of his.  Indiana is one of my favorite guys.  So is Jackie Chan.  or at least how they come across on film.  I don't know that I'd classify either of them as 'Tads,' though...  They are 'totally awesome' and full-of-life, but I don't know if they're charmers or as out-going as what I think of Tad as, yet they're very high in my book :)

I've managed to eat a chocolate bar during work.  Nothing too out of the ordinary, but I try to limit my sugar-intake somewhat.  Like at work, I try to eat maybe one big candy bar over the work-week.  Oh, well.  Maybe I needed it, and there were nuts in it...

I wonder what the relationship between what I want and what's best for me is.  What I'm thinking about in particular is a specific type of guy.  I'll call him "Totally Awesome Dude," or TAD for short.  TAD being a mixture of some of my favorite guys in the world.  Now, there are great people and men that don't fit into this category, and they are special and important to me and all that, but they don't have the draw that TAD does.  I won't go into detail about what TAD is like, but I wonder if I enjoy being around TAD, he is an amazing guy, etc.... what does it take to work?  What 'type' of person will I marry (Lord-willingly)?  I personally think that everyone likes TAD- he's the kind of guy that is personable, great and smiling and laughing- a people-person.  Energetic, uplifting--- you get my point.  But what does all that matter?  Does it means that there can or has to be anything more?  Can't there be people like that that just make life more enjoyable/better- w/o having to make more of it, as in a relationship?  I'm asking this because i wonder why it all matters, or if it even does.  I wonder why some people are so much more appealing than others- in wanting to be around/like them, not in "man, he's hot."  I wonder if others see it, too- and if that appeal would wear off if I was married to Tad.  Maybe my life is better or I'm closer to God or have a better perspective of things by knowing TAD, and having a deeper relationship would only mess that up.  I don't know.  I don't know what's good for me- it's a good thing I don't have to figure everything out on my own.

"As you grow old, you lose all your desires... except to eat and sleep."  paraphrased from a conversation with a co-worker.  She encouraged me to do what I want to now while I can, and also when I want to.  I hadn't heard the whole 'desires' things before.

Last night, I dreamt that my all 4 of my tires were slashed by a group of men in a rusted-out car. That's all that I remember about it- and when I've been thinking about it, I wonder why they were guys and not girls?  I didn't actually see them, but the friend I was with saw them drive away.

This is an edit of a post I did earlier today that I've deemed boring:

Last night was a bit surreal, if not abnormal.  Class went well- the students really grasped the vocabulary and how to use it correctly, etc.- (it was about drug stores/shopping) and I believe they had a good time.  Next Monday is the last class I have with them (with the following Thursday being their 'graduation.'  We'll do something special, and maybe I'll bring a treat.  That was normal- what followed may be normal for Amber, but not me.  The school's in a dangerous area, so I either drive or am picked up from there, so Amber picked me up- with the two boys she was babysitting.  We went to McDonald's, and I got a look into Amber's world.  She works with kids 7 days a week.  I hardly ever do, but they are interesting, if nothing else...  The evening progresses into watching the boys hack away at a small tree that was blocking the tree and driveway.  The fact that they lived in a sort of forest made it have an edge of fantasy to it.  Nothing spectacular happened, except that the family owns a young dog and cat, and they were wonderful.  I can't resist happy, friendly dogs, and cats have grown on me.  I used to think that cats are snobbish and independent, but they can like people, and like being petted.  I dozed off, and woke up to the cat sleeping on my lap- and that made the night better.  Hurray for furry animals!!

I intially went on to talk about personalities, but that's nothing new.  I posted on it May '05, also.  I don't want to define myself or anyone-limiting them to a generic description, so I'll lay off for a little while- but it's so hard!! I want to get to know others better, and one way is by categorizing and comparing them.  and a guy (joking, I'm sure) asked me out to lunch- a guy that hands out newspapers at the metro.  Isn't life fun?  People are so interesting sometimes.

Amber has strep, and a crummy job.

and my dreams last night had something to do with a tiny baby I was babysitting, who had a good tuft of dark hair, and fit in my car's console.  There were definite adventures, which included leaving the baby in the car, freaking out when I remembered, but sighing with relief when she was OK.  I also had a big bottle of hair dye to dye the baby's hair red, but I initially thought, "What a waste- I should have just mixed a small amount and saved some to dye more later- she hardly has any hair!" and later thought, "Why would I even consider dying a baby's hair!  That's so dangerous!!"  These thoughts were thought while dreaming.

I've been self-depreciating lately.  "Selling myself short" as some would call it.  I look at the circumstances, can't see myself doing a whole lot of good or being worth much in it, and cut myself down.  I've actually heard my voice say things like, "Who do you think you are?"  I think I'm stuck up or at least act like a snob, and I don't like that.  I don't deserve the blessings and good fortunes I've received, and yet sometimes I expect them, if not more.  This all comes to mind again because I swear a 40-something co-worker was checking me out today, but what does it matter at all?  I'm dressed and act appropriately, so if it's true, what difference does it make anyway?  It's a rather sensitive issue lately, because age has been on my mind- what does it all mean?  I don't plan on marrying someone twice my age or anything, but the guy I like is older than me, and that's got me thinking about how immature I am, or afraid of commitment or things of that sort, and that freaks me out and makes me not even want to try.

That's kind of the case with work, too- I don't know what I'm qualified for or good at, so I'm rather comfortable staying at where I know what I'm doing, even though it's not in my field, and not very challenging (besides my nerves)...  but today, I did inquire about another postition similar to the one I'm currently in, but that would use more creativity and organization and would be with awesome people at my church.  I basically gave a cover letter about my qualifications and interest in it, and am prepared to send my resume, so I am doing something pro-active...  It's sure good talking with friends sometimes.  I know noone's perfect, and that sometimes friends with the best intentions can still kill our dreams and visions, but sometimes they can be the greatest encouragement and catalyst to the next step. 

If you are prone to allergies, and like to plan when to be outside accordingly, then Pollen may be a good link for you.  You can put in your zipcode (or anyone's).

If you have a secret, or would like to read someone else's, go to Post Secret.  Warning: it contains real, sometimes upsetting/unlawful info, but also very cool and creative-artsy post cards.

"You are worthy of all honor
Glory, praise and power
King of the nations.
You are holy God, almighty
Clothed in brilliant majesty
Father, Spirit, Jesus."
-----by Casting Crowns

God is good, and watches over the little things, too.  I was planning my budget, and thinking I was doing well, when last week, Amber was talking about when our rent checks would be cashed.  That's when I realized I hadn't noticed- so I called for my balance, and had $2 more than rent- safe!!  What a relief! or so I thought, 'til I noticed yesterday that the bill for when I filled up the car showed up 4 days later (normally, it's 'pending' first).  Yikes!! Fortunately, my credit card is also through the bank, so I transferred funds over, and prayed (I know I can't expect God to get me out of every pinch, but that won't stop me from asking).  Then I talk with Amber, whose check was cashed the day before I transferred funds, and i went back to square one.  That is, 'til I look at the account this morning, and the check and transfer went through on the same day, so it looks like there won't be any overdraft fees!!  Hurray!  What a relief.

Did I mention my co-worker has been especially venomous this week?  I'm told something will change soon, but I don't know in what way.  I can't imagine they'd fire her, so will they fire me?  Or will they tame her?  Or will they yell at me?  Whatever it is, it promises to be big, and ideally, we'd all sit down together and talk and sort things out.  Or time will just drag on, and nothing much will change.  I still enjoy it here, and think it is a good place to be for the time being, but I will accept (and try to embrace) what may come.

it's so great to be understood!  My best friend in WI and I talked last night.  I talked about a guy I may like, and she suggested what I should do (which is something friendly, but slightly crazy/forward) but it's exactly what I had thought- so we were on the same page (even though we haven't talked in months or spent time in-person much since high school).  I say "may/might" because I don't want to get ahead of hings, and I don't want to get my hopes up for nothing, but what's life if we don't take risks?  My friend's going through a rough time- a "friend" of hers is psychotic and making her life miserable, telling lies about her and saying she talks trash about others... major issues.  What good does it do to ruin someone's life?  Is that girl hurting so much that she feels like she needs to bring others down?  My friend is one of the nicest, giving people I've ever met- surely she's done nothing to deserve this.  Unfortunately. this is one of those times that I can't protect her- I can only be there, and try to speak truth into her life.  People suck sometimes.

"'Daughter,' said the Fox suddenly (I think no woman, at least no woman who loved you, would have done it). 'Sleep comes early to old men.  I can hardly keep my eyes open.  Let me go.  Perhaps we shall see more clearly in the morning.'
What could I do but send him away?  This is where men, even the trustiest, fail us.  Their heart is never so wholly given to any matter but that some trifle of a meal, or a drink, or a sleep, or a joke, or a girl, may come in between them and it, and then (even if you are a queen) you'll get no more good out of them till they've had their way.  In those days I had not yet understood this.  Great desolation came over me."
--------as quoted by Orual in Till We Have Faces, by CS Lewis.

sometimes it just needs to rain.  The clouds need to let go, and the tears need to fall

Welcome back to Monday.  I had a rocky start myself, basically refusing to get out of bed, until 5 minutes before I had to be out the door.  That's where planning ahead and having deodorant in your purse comes in handy.  I still had to drive my car down the street in order to catch the bus (sorry, Planet), but when it's a choice between that and waking Amber up to drive me to work, yeah, not a hard choice.  Speaking of driving, and up the road and our neighborhood, I know one of the neighbors!!  As in around the corner, but apparently, a guy from church lives there, and I super-psyched.  It's very exciting to live close to someone I know!  I was so excited, in fact, that I hardly slept.  I don't know if that's strange, but it's true.  It happens at Christmastime, when I'm about to move/visit someplace, and various other times when I'm excited.  Eventually though, I had to get up for work, and I was in a really bad mood when two ladies were talking loudly on the bus.  It was very hard not to glare, so I tried to concentrate on the newspaper and not look at them.  Normally I'm awake and rather cheery as soon as I wake-up, but not today.  I am now, though (you'd never believe it, I'm sure).  I don't know if alcohol plays into any of this or not.  I went to an awesome jazz service at my church last night, and had wine with cheese, and sushi, and fruit and dessert... I could go for that every night (OK, not every, but definitely again!)  I decided to try every wine with the designated cheese.  Only a sip, barely filling the stem of the glass, but there was quite the variety...  I still don't have a taste for red wine, and the white that is sweet is the white that's for me.  I don't know how to describe the other white- dry?  and I still don't see how cheese and wine go together well- but maybe that's acquired?  I think I had enough regular food to balance it all out.  Everything was fabulous- fresh fruit, mini cream puffs and macaroons, cheese galore...  what more could you ask for?
Music?
Oh, yeah.
Jazz has never been a genre that I've ever claimed as one of my faves or anything- I've never felt the soul of it or anything, and actually have avoided it sometimes- turning the station as fast as possible, etc.  That is, until last night.  I'd been warming up to it in various circumstances, and listened to John Coltrane on myspace, but when it actually happened, I was blown away.  Maybe because the instruments are different than I expected? (drums, electric and bass guitars, keyboard and a harp for one song)  maybe because they are people I know?  maybe because it was in a worship-context?  maybe because it was live?  A major thing is that it didn't sound whiny to me.  It was expressive, and I felt it in my soul.  It all ended too soon.  But that's when I got to hang out with awesome people.  Some of my friends had come (I'd met through Sara), and I talked with other people, too, that I haven't much in the past.  I was almost convinced to bike to work next Friday (it's 'Bike to Work Day'), but 13 miles + not liking to bike + not owning a bike = probably not going to happen.  BUT, I'd get a free t-shirt, a friend said she'd ride with me, and what a great combination- good for the body and the environment.  That's when the first mention of "***** lives that way" came.  It was basically forgotten until she and her husband were getting closer to my house (to drop me off).  The conversation went something like this (roads changed to protect the innocent):
husband: "Do you live before 225?"
me: "Is that before or after Prancer Road?"
husband: "after... So-in-so lives off Plumber Road.  Heard of it?"
me: "yes."
husband: "you turn left into it."
me: "me, too"
husband: "then you turn left at the stopsign"
me: blank look
husband: "and then you take a right at the next road.
me: "you're kidding me"
It turns out, So-in-so and I live around the corner from each other- what are the chances?  So I'm prepared for the adventures to come...

Going on the last post, I think I sometimes don't even get past the message!!  Especially if it really hits home.  If it's something that I was already aware of/sensitive to, and knew that I needed to change or work on, and somebody brings it up, it/I exlpode(s).  It's too much for me too handle, or too personal.

The sermon at church today was great- it asked, "What do I do with what I have?"  "How do our lives flow into this oppressive world?"  And it dealt with oppression- not just as a statistic of a small percentage of the world consuming a large majority of the resouces, but it was taken to a personal level.  How am I oppressing others, even friends, and how is society oppressing me?  On a lighter note, here is a quote from Rob: "...you had to pay taxes to Rome, and that was very taxing on the people."  (about Palestine)  Various things have cracked me up today- maybe I grew an extra funny bone or something.

!Cinco de Mayo!  That's today.  I was reminded of that as I was offered a strawberry.  Ripe fruit "out of season" is still odd/awesome for me.  In-season being the northern mid-west season- like June through September for most things.  It's most likely due to the fact that my parents garden- growing wonderful delicacies such as asparagus and peaches.  It's not that we didn't buy produce from the grocery store, and we didn't live on a farm, but homegrown was so good, that nothing's come close (raspberries...).  So when I ate that strawberry this morning, I thought of all those things.  It's so fortunate that we can 1) eat fruit 2) ... out of season and 3) taste fruit!  I don't know anyone who doesn't like at least some variety of fruit, or that's allergic to them all.  When it's hot out, what's more refreshing than a fruit salad (for those of us who don't like lemonade)?

Not only is it Cinco de Mayo, it's also Friday!  For many of this, it marks the end of the work-week, the beginning of the weekend, and a break from the mundane or overly-stressful.  I'm sorry for those of you for whom that's not the case, unless you prefer it that way.  My dad relaxes/enjoys himself when he's busy- it makes him feel useful.  Enough of that...

I tend to listen to The Postal Service now when I'm spent emotionally/sad.  It used to be Vanessa Carlton or Boyz II Men.  They are all in the 'morbid' category to me.  They express the bluer of the emotions well, and settle that part of me- get it out.  In that sense, it improves my mood, releases it, but in another sense, it also keeps me stuck in the middle of it- doesn't get me past.  That's why at some point, I get over myself, and think about things that are going right or that I'm grateful for, and focus my attention outward.

God was in everything yesterday.  He is normally, but not that I often notice.  He was in my curling iron, reminding me that I can sense heat, and that if I'm not careful, I could really hurt myself.  God was also in my bathroom key (for work).  I sometimes take it home, and it was hanging on my door knob.  I almost forgot it 'til it gently rang.  It was like God's quiet voice pleading- "Don't forget me!"  Sometimes I need to turn the volume of life down in order to hear God.  Sometimes I don't want to- afraid of what He'll say.  Will He scold me or tell me to do something/go somewhere I don't want to?  It's easy forget that He knows what He's doing, and what's best for us, and the big picture.

I've found a city that really appeals to me in NJ.  I don't know why, but the fact that its malls, etc., are closed on Sundays is refreshing and attracting to me.  They are also doing cool, helpful things for others, such as raising scholarship money for their graduating seniors.  Maybe those are ordinary things, and I just don't notice, but I was so impressed with the things I found out about this place, that I was ready to move their if there was a decent job!!  But if it's more fast-paced than here, count me out.

Now for those of you wondering about the title of this particular blog, here you go:  When a messenger delivers breathtaking news, do you have the urge to kill or kiss him/her?  I do.  Whether it be a pastor or the flower-delivery person, I want to hug, or celebrate with him/her.  On the other hand, when someone uses somebody else to confront me on an issue, I get upset.  I don't normally get mad at the messenger, but they might see my glare or feel the steam, which isn't fair.  As Frank Delaney puts it in his book entitled Ireland,  "... he would have killed Brian's messenger, except that there was an unwritten law guaranteeing the safety of the messengers."  It's easy for me to forget about God sometimes- at least when it comes to people- I'll think, "He is such an amazing guy!" or "She is one of the most encouraging people in the world!"  Both may be true, but there's only so much we can make for ourselves, and I think the people that really stand out are the ones that are seeking after God, and not making a name for themselves, yet their lives are being transformed, and it shows.  It's like their glowing from the inside-out.

Tonight, Amber and I, and at least one person she works with, are seeing "Once Upon a Mattress" at a local middle school.  I don't remember ever going to a middle school play, so this'll be interesting!  I think the guy might like Amber, so I'll have fun finding out (but I'll have a good time regardless)!
Have a great weekend, all.

Boy is today dragging!  I've reorganized the filing cabinet, delivered mail, checked e-mail, booked meetings, and got a bloody nose.  I was at the front desk, and went to the bathroom until it stopped.  I rushed back, ready for lunch, only to discover it's 11, not noon.  How should I be spending my time today?  I've already asked for extra work, but there currently is none...  OK, there was just now, when I didn't have the supplies I need, but that I've persistently asked for, so I had to borrow them from another source.  grrrrr  Isn't it good that God gives us what we need when we ask?  The key word being 'need.'

I met our neighbor friends yesterday.  That's what I like to call them.  They are the ones who are often found sitting in their garage with the door open, having lots of friends over, and drinking beer.  I've wanted to meet them before, but it never seemed the right time.  Yesterday they beckoned me over, and I didn't resist.  They all have an Asian background of some sort.  There were remnants of fish and other meat.  They seemed cool enough, and we chit-chatted for a little bit, 'til 2 of them left for a call (one was on his cell the whole time), so it was just me and one guy, and I left for dinner.  They're probably somewhere close to my age, from what I can tell, and I plan on hanging out there sometimes.  (Amber compares them to the people on That 70's Show, except these can legally drink.)  At least if it's awkward or something, I can just walk next door to go home!  Yay for new people!!

I overheard a conversation the other day- the dad's end of speaking with his college daughter.  He was trying to understand why she can't just finish the class- and was telling her the consequences of failing it.  It seemed close to home, and it was interesting seeing a different side of a person I'd normally only see as scientific.  It's important to remember that people deal with a lot of stuff I/we'll never know about.  That doesn't excuse how they treat us or what they do in response to it, but it sure helps explain some things.

Yesterday, I wrote about being on a people-high, how awesome of a weekend I had, and a few random things- all written while I felt that time was being sucked away from me rapidly.  The English class I taught at night turned out fine (the students might have learned, and appeared to have a good time), and there was some life to be experienced before the clock struck twelve.  (tblog was on the fritz, so I'll try to recapture some of the excitement)

 I think I've met some of the most amazing people in the world.  Some are even friends!  I don't know why this is the case, or if it's impossible to not know at least one fantastic person, but i sure am grateful.  Some of my recent encounters with these people included dinner and a movie (Ice Age 2) with Tan Dave and Amber.  Amber is looking elsewhere to work (as in out of state), so I'm trying to appreciate the time we have together even more-so.  I knew the day would come, and I also want to move, but not really.  I love traveling and seeing friends and landscapes and new things- don't get me wrong!  But I don't know if it's just the people at church and public transportation and beautiful weather or what, but I want to dig my heels in the (so-to-speak) sand, and stay.  Usually it's the other way around- I want to start over, go some place new.  Sometimes I want to have things stay as they are- but life doesn't stand still, and it won't do anyone good in the long run.  If I stayed at home, I may enjoy a seemingly endless cupboard, love from family, and the most comfortable bed in the world, but also restrictions and other things regarding lack of freedom that comes with living with your parents.  And I don't like the area enough to live close enough by on my own.  Maybe a Chicago suburb or the Twin Cities, but my parents are moving to Tennessee in a couple years anyways.  So anyways, there are definite advantages, such as a seemingly easy life where I don't need to make as many decisions or take as many responsibilities, and that's been the situation in other cases too, but that's too easy and boring!  I think I make life more difficult than it has to be sometimes, but I've always felt that there was something big that I'll be a part of, and that a normal, 9-to-5 job is not for me, at the very least.  I work 8-to-5-- does that count?  It's not as bad as I thought, but it's also not very fulfilling.  Were the gifts, etc., that I was created with to be put to use here?  I'm kind of bummed, because it seems like others around me are really interested in one thing in particular, and it's their life passion, and they're doing it.  Not everyone, but those who capture my attention.  What's my passion?  People?  I think people are fascinating, and it's so great to meet new ones, hear their story, see their perspective... but that's not solid like playing an instrument or inventing something or healing someone...  Nonetheless, I am pursuing more opportunities to use my degree, including through an organization that could send me overseas this year.  The main reason this particular position freaks me out is that you need to raise funds to go.  I don't know why it's such a big deal (maybe because I'm used to getting paid instead of paying?), but I can see the importance of suporting someone financially, spiritually, etc.- how we are the body of Christ and need to work together, not just try to do it on our own.  In some ways, it's easy for me to depend on (trust) others, like when I got a ride this morning.  This time it was from Ruth, and it was to my mid-point on the busline.  This allowed me to enjoy some reading and breakfast before work, but I somehow still ended up being late.  I don't know why I have a hard time trusting at other points- I see myself getting defensive and taking things the wrong way- I don't know if it's a natural instinct or not.

Moving back to this past weekend, not only did I have a good time with Tan Dave and Amber, but with a mass of people, and those from church.  I went to a Save Darfur rally (that being my first rally). For the most part, there was a good vibe there- people wanted to end the genocide, a bunch of Jews feeling empowered and attached to it all.  One lady talked to me for a long time.  She was fired up about how we're taught history, and how it's not accurate, and that the religious groups who publish our books purposefully leave out millions upon millions of deaths and details.  She overloaded me with info, so even if I wanted to, I couldn't recall half of it, but I'll try to do some research on my own.  Other than that, I mostly hung out with a little toddler who was dancing to the music and clapping with the crowds.  I guess I was basically talked out.  I really had a good time just walking around and getting to know people better- so much so that I want to stay here, and I'm really looking forward to the church picnic in June!!

Like yesterday, I'm still slightly self-conscious about my blog and what I write- it's so easy for just about anyone to read this, and I don't want to embarrass anyone and I don't want to be too silly... But noone is forced to read this, and I don't purposefully put anything offensive, and as long as I'm only embarrassing myself, what's it matter?  So I'll just leave it at: people (including you) rock, and after spending some time with you, someone may be on a high for a while.