it's one of those days when it's very hard to stay at work.  with a good portion of the office gone, and it being Friday, and with fun plans in the works, I nearly have to bolt myself down.  if I can manage to get out early and accompish another goal (making it to the temp office before they mail my check- delaying me paying the bills) I would be thrilled.  as it is, there's only so far a lead foot can go when traffic's at a standstill.  I'm hoping maybe the rest of the world is on vacation by that point, going in the opposite direction- and that it'll work out.  and I'm not the only one who wants to leave.

sometimes, i just need to keep my mouth shut.  I'm really fond of the IT guys here, and might even call them acquaintances.  So, this very attractive security/police officer comes in and asks me about the suite across the hall, and I just have to tell someone about him (goes back to how women deal) but feel trapped at the desk (I really shouldn't be away from it often) so an IT guy walks by and I tell him.  Of course, he's like 'What?  Are you aware of who you're talking with?'  and I proceeded to say something really intelligent basically calling him a girl... so very smooth, Erin.  but in the explanation, I was intentional in what I said, because I'd rather have him see me as seeing him as no attraction at all then to think that there's a possibility of any interest there.  but guys are sensitive, so I just have to shut my mouth sometimes.  and I don't know what it is with me and guys lately- maybe there's something in the air- I don't normally think about them being attractive or as fascinating as I have lately.  You can beg to differ- there just seems to be a difference to me.  It could just be my attitude/perception today.  I'm the most casual I've ever come to work (t-shirt, flip-flops) and that's carried over into my attitude (maybe vice-versa).  I also think my frame of reference (some may call it a box) keeps getting broken and glued back together again.  that probably plays a big part in my view of guys (and the world at large).

I think the body cream from Bath & Body Works I'm using is drying out my skin.  Why else would my hands be so dry?  It's humid out.  It could be the soap, but shouldn't the cream balance that?  All I know is that I've never really used lotion until rather recently, and my hands don't normally get as dry as they are now.  Could be the alcohol in it.  Maybe it's like soda- you think since it's a beverage, that it'll refresh you, and maybe it does, but it dehydrates you more than you were in the first place.  Also, I've experimented with their Wallflowers (plug-in fragrance).  I've done so in my bedroom, to see what they really smell like and how long they linger after being pulled, etc.- it's a better testing ground than the huge living/cooking area.  So, every time I sleeping while using the Wallflowers, I wake up congested- maybe even dried out, too.  (maybe that's what's drying me out?!)  This may or may not sound ridiculous to you, but it's true.  When I don't use the Wallflowers, I wake up fine.  With that said, I wonder what the chemicals we use every day in household cleaners and such do to us?  It makes me want to go the more natural way.  I'm even debating returning the 'flowers.  But they do smell good.  isn't there more to this life than induldging my senses?

I may get two roommates in August instead of one, and that would make life so much better!  or should I call them housemates?  Whenever I hear 'room' I think they share the same bedroom, but does that have to be the case?

girls' night was fun last night.  There ended up being just three of us, and that was just perfect.  we hung out and shared a little of our backgrounds and where we're currently at, and I really like the women and am looking forward to spending more time together.  It's really refreshing to not have walls up and be vulnerable and such.  so powerful.

today's a bit of a catch-up day.  I'll start with an Amber story.  I'm sharing in part because she rarely updates her own blog, and part because it's just interesting.  I think she agrees that I speak enough for the both of us anyways.  Shortly before moving, Amber was having some new (and exciting?) experiences.  As is typical in a church setting (not my church so much from what I've seen), there was some setting-up going on.  This guy was interested in her and whenever she talked with women, they would try to throw something in the conversation relating to him.  This was a new thing for her (disregarding times when guys hit on her or asked her out and she really didn't want it to happen).  I can't exactly say how it was different- you'd have to ask her, but I for one was pretty excited about it all.  People getting together and married and all that is so cool.  And also, it was atypical.  Since Amber's never dated (won't date, will only marry), it's usually me with the guy stories, so I gave her a hard time about it all.  She even got tricked into an almost-date.  I say it that way, because he was acting nervous and asked if she wanted to hang-out, so she said sure before piecing it all together to see that he meant it as something special.  At that point, she felt stuck, so tried to make it as unlike a date as possible- no dinner, etc.  They ended up kicking a soccer ball around for 2 hours.  (please correct me if I'm wrong, Amber)  She kept her distance as much as possible, and truthfully answered his questions.  They don't even have each others' phone numbers or anything, but he's convinced that she'll be back here soon.  He's a pretty confident one, it seems.  Another reason why that's interesting to me is the kind of joke/deal Amber and I have going on regarding marriage- but mostly, I like to see things work out well, and to see people happy.  This guy wasn't 'her type,' etc.

Moving forward, let's talk about my mini-vacation.  I'll try not to do a play-by-play.  But that's how I'll start.  The drive to Wisconsin started at 4ish a.m.  Amber unfortunately had not slept well.  I had.  The sunrise was beautiful a few hours from then.  The traffic was fine.  Amber ate a fruit salad, and me- a pasta salad for basically all day until subs at night in Wisconsin.  I thought caravanning was fun.  Amber led for the most part.  I thought we'd take turns, but I didn't try to take over unless something was going on in traffic, like we weren't going fast enough in the fast lane (making bottleneck traffic), so I'd move over.  Amber couldn't see through both our cars to see that happening.  Or other similar situations.  since I was so relaxed and calm (not typically Erin characteristics), I didn't realize that when I was in front of her, I slowed down.  She noticed.  Also, I guess for the first three hours, I did a good job of following her, but after that, I was either too close or far away, in her opinion.  I lost my touch.  Time flew by.  Whenever I pace myself with another driver, that tends to happen, and when that driver was going the distance with me, even better!  I swear the first 9 hours were a breeze.  It wasn't 'til the Chicago area that it dragged and began taking its toll.  It was especially hard when we drove past my family's exit on the highway, going north for another 3 hours.  I just wanted to pull off, but my car was full of Amber's stuff, and it would be my last time with her for awhile.  Her family was really excited and happy to see her and unloaded the stuff and two-seconds flat, it seemed.  Her parents have two cute little puppies- don't remember what kind- but they climbed all over each other and loved Amber's reaction to them, trying to stop them from 'kissing' her...  We swam in their pool and talked, and she gave me some departing wisdom, or at least what she thinks I should do in one area.  Then we crashed and I woke up at 5 (the trend) but convinced myself to get more sleep- then went to my grandpa's.  He misses my grandma, who's in Europe for a couple weeks.  It was good catching up.  He's intelligent and witty, among other things.  He likes giving my grandma a hard time.  I like that a 'hard time' to my family means teasing, but not to the extent of feelings being hurt too badly.  I know a hard time can mean such a plethoa of things, so I thought I'd clarify.  So blah blah blah- had a good time.  My parents worked (except my dad Saturday), so I just saw them around dinnertime.  One thing about my family?  We're pretty much individuals and/or introverts, so it's typical after dinner for each of us to be in different corners of the house.  It's cool when we're together, though, even if we don't talk all that much.  My dad and I contest for the most 'extroverted' of the bunch.  It all depends on who we're around.  I can be the life (or director) of the party!  haha.  I got a chance to see my best friend growing up, Jamie.  It was hard to get a hold of each other, but we had a good time when it happened.  I wonder why some people find all the sucky guys, though.  She is way better than that.  I ruined things for one guy she dated, but I can't say I should have or that I went about it in the right way. :(  I just don't get why I find good guys and she just isn't attracted to them.  I'm glad we all have different tastes, but if I can find them, why can't others?  Why put up with junk from anyone?  grrr....  I think it's possible to have it all, don't others?  Now, I recognize that life won't always go smoothly, I won't always be understood or understand, and that it will be difficult and frustrating and all that, but does that mean it's better to stick with someone who clearly isn't all that into you or worse rather than risk being lonely?

The mini-vacation rounded off with Saturday night-into-Sunday.  I ended up leaving some of my things with my parents still- having to redistribute a box I couldn't fit, all while be irritated because I didn't think it'd take that long to pack the car... but I actually slept and left at 5:30, and made good time and was so excited!  That is, until Maryland, but I already wrote about that.  It took 14 hours altogether, and I saw a rainbow, and wished I had more time to just goof off and enjoy the sights along the way.  until next time...

Girl: Daddy, I love to ride the bus and feel momentum.
Daddy: Do you know what the strongest force in the universe is?
Girl: Gravity
Daddy: No- it's much bigger than that
Girl: Love?
Daddy: goes on the explain how big and wonderful love is, and then clarifies the differences between metaphysical forces and natural and all that

keep in mind that the girl looks about 5.  It was a pretty good busride, I'd say.  I think it's rather cool when parents talk to their children like that, instead of down to them.  Even if they don't get it at the same level (shouldn't expect them to) I think kids are much quicker than we give them credit for.  The Dad pointed out a chef to the girl, and went on to explain to me that she wants to be a chef some day and own the restaurant.  I believe it very well could happen.  I wasn't that way as a kid.  I don't know what I was really like- I'll talk with my family and find out.  I know I was somewhat of a leader, or at least on hikes.  As far as what I wanted to be when I grew up?  a veterinarian or teacher.  well, more specifically, an elephant trainer/vet.  They're my favorite animal and dear to me, and I imagined finding ways to improve/change their diet so they'd live the longest and happiest lives... for example, did you know they have 6 sets of teeth throughout their lifetime?  They generally die when they've run out of soft things to eat when their teeth have worn down.  Do you know that scene in Free Willy where the scientist is concocting something?  yeah.  I totally pictured myself doing that type of thing.  Why didn't I pursue that?  Because at some point, I realized that people were more important to me than animals, so it was a sacrifice I made.  As far as being a teacher goes, that's still a possibility.  After all, that's my degree- I've got to give that more of a try.  It can be fun and worthwhile and all that.  When I thought of it as a kid, though, I wanted to be one putting stickers and words of encouragement on the students' papers.  I have a hard time because I think everyone's special, and while I have no problem judging in some situations, it'd be hard to give failing grades or deal with disruptive kids.  I'm so sensitive sometimes.  So... those sound like excuses to me.  I don't want an 'easy life' and don't think I can have one even if I tried (except that it's somewhat easy right now).  I need to quit avoiding things and get right in the middle, good or bad. 

this day has a bright start: the 3 new e-mails in my 'inbox' were from legitimate people!  I have multiple e-mail accounts, and this one was spam-free until recently, when I get multiple 'offers' and such a day (not nearly as bad as you though Amber) so I was preparing to possibly leave that address (so sad) when I checked this morning, and was delighted to see that I actually know the people who sent them!

it has taken me considerably longer to finish some tasks recently.  I don't know what the deal is.  I don't think it has to do with talking with people (people have been more talkative lately).  I know that I can work fast and finish mundane tasks rather quickly, so why are some things taking so long?  and why have I been having so many problems typing?  I can understand that if I'm tired, I may mess up typing, but have I been tired all week?  I thought you're supposed to get better with time and experience...  and also time's been odd at the apartment.  my car trunk is still pretty much full (on account of not wanting to get stuff wet and wanting to put the other stuff in its place first) and yet I'm having a hard time handling even what's already in the apartment.  I've placed the pictures (but haven't hung) and furniture where I want it and put some other stuff away, but I still think progress is slow.  Maybe 'cause I watched a movie last night (The Full Monty)?  I also saw the beginning of Westray, a Canadian film.  It was about coal miners being killed and it was creepy- the way the narrators used nursery rhymes to illustrate how 'the industry' or certain people were so evil and tricked these ordinary, lovable unsuspecting Canadia ns.

I'm glad to be going out this week- hurray friends and good times.  On the other hand, it's nice having a place to my own, too.  There's more freedom in it.  That could very well change soon, as I've only experienced that for the past 3 nights... especially with me being moody, it's nice not irritating someone else, and watching what I want and doing things at my own pace.  Then again maybe part of my recent outbursts on the blog have been because I haven't 'talked it out' too much with someone.  Maybe I should talk more at work...  all I know is that I feel like bursting when I don't have a way to share what's going on.  maybe I'm just ridiculous.

so I wrote more, but it was babbling even more so, so I'll end it here.

just wanted to share this:

even while creating this, I feel better.  there are just things that once were that no longer are, and I don't necessarily grieve or miss that, but nonetheless, I'm acknowledging that it was there.  I wasn't blind-sided, but nevertheless, I feel used.  am I just a scapegoat to some people?  sometimes I recognize when someone's just being needy and using me as a fix, but other times, I need to take a step back to see that.  I'm happy to brighten others' days sometimes or be something good for them, period, but is it too much to ask to be cared for?  to be important if you choose to spend time with me?  I'm not just the window you can open to let the smoke out.  I've been in an odd mood lately.  I'm happy, sad and angry sometimes all at once.  but mostly, I just want an adventure.  I don't know what that will be like.  sometimes, I'm glad I'm so reserved- not nearly ever doing what comes to mind, or at least doing so to a much lesser degree.  i think maybe I'm dangerous, so I'll think about what I do or stay away from others 'til it passes.  I don't want to use anyone any more than I want to be used.

self-absorbed cows recently eating watermelon inspected their ankles & limbs, laughed.

Bidding bow-crowded eyes either: gulp hot cocoa /\ inside.

sigh...
Geic(o)
high-fi
lies

having fun yet?  I am.  not the best poetry I've written, but it sure helped me at least.  they're more of codes anyhow- rather simple, too, I'd say (2 of 3)- but worth putting time in to decode?  can't promise- it's for my own sake, this insanity- now I'll try something more fun that may be worth digesting or scrutinizing:

okay, I've thought of some riddles (in a sense) so I'll leave it at that:

how come the sun 'rises and sets' but dough 'rises and falls'?

why are we so hard on each other?  where's the love?

when some crisis comes up, how do you respond?  do you turn to someone to help you through it, or do you go solo?  according to Dr. Legato in why men never remember and women never forget,  women tend to do the former, men- the latter.  all I know is that when I recently had a crisis, I did the typical woman thing- I had to talk to another woman about it- not for advice or anything- just to be sane and know I could handle it.  There are definitely times when I don't want your help, thinking "I can handle it" but more often, I'd like a support system.  what's your perspective?

when people say or write 'said' all the time instead of 'asked' in a conversation, it drives me nuts

what a day!  it seems to be getting continually darker outside.  I know that it can get darker, as I can still see a good distance, but that doesn't stop my perspective.  a lot of people stayed home today (government) or went home early.  i wonder if traffic will be better after work?  it's rained a lot, and lightninged, and I can't help but imagine ligthning finding it's way to me through these windows, striking the computer, too.  oh well.

 some quotes of the day:
"wounds"
----from me misspelling a word while writing an e-mail.  isn't that interesting?  it conjures up something different for me than 'hurts'.  also, thinking of it as winding around something is also cool.  it's just a good word, I think

"won't be published"
-------TBLOG not an actualy quote, but when I find out how people find my blog, it's always interesting, to say the least.  the latest was something suggestive of porn, and I don't know exactly how that was associated with my blog, but I think that's OK.  i think everything works together in its own way, so maybe something good will come out of it, whether or not it has anything to do with me.

"did you eat?"
----from co-worker about my trip to Wisconsin.  Are you kidding me?  do i not eat normally?  she said that's one of the best things about being with family, so I got the context, otherwise I'd really wonder about her...

"funny
1a: affording light mirth and laughter typically by means of absurdity or oddness without much subtlety: AMUSING (when they laughed it was not because they thought it was --- but out of embarassment' Barnaby Conrad)..."
---- Webster's Third New International Dictionary, Unabridged 1971

feedback and fatigue

My family's all about feedback, in their own way.  when the general public is asked their opinion, usually at least one them responds- calling/writing etc.  I think I'm more so that way.  I'll talk with the political parties that call, and take surveys online (like from receipts at Taco Bell or Old Navy).  I even offer unsolicited feedback, especially at retail/food establishments.  too often, i don't think people don't know they're appreciated or wonder how they affect others, etc.  I'll tell you what I think!  at least in that sense and on that level.  there's also a big part of me who's a people-pleaser, and I'd rather stifle my opinion then not have you like me or get upset or whatever.  it's one thing to let stuff slide (again is that honest?) and it's another when you keep score.  i keep score.  when someone 'wrongs' me whether intentional or not, there's a black mark on them, and I hold it against them generally.  now there are plenty of things that aren't that big of a deal or don't count in my book, but it's only recently that I've noticed that I do this.  I'm working on it.  when appropriate, or when i get the nerves to, I share these things with the appropriate people.  still will take a while to get the hang of it.  I hate being judgemental, and i want to give people the benefit of the doubt, not get a superiority complex.  the tally of black marks on me is pretty high.

i like malls.  there's something comforting about them to me.  maybe 'cause the ones I've gone to have the same general set-up, maybe some of the same stores- it's like stepping inside one, I could be anywhere.  it could be at any (recent) time- with anyone.  it could be w/ my grandma, a friend, whoever.  it's like a time capsule, or a tyme machine , you could say. i don't even have to buy anything- that's not the thrill.  stuff makes me happy sometimes, though.  I'm enjoying the things i have (have had for years) that I'll bring with me to Maryland.  i'm looking forward to the good times with good friends- picturing the setup of it.

i feel like i'm recovering from the first days of cross-country season, except that I haven't actually done strenuous excercise.  i think the shots/immunizations are beginning to affect me.  one awesome thing about the Midwest is that the population isn't so concentrated (as opposed to east coast, Mexico City...)  thus, a 42 mile drive this morning took 49 minutes during rush hour.  compare that to my normal 12-mile commute that takes 40 minutes.  maybe the evening rush hour here is worse (it is out east), but still,  that's a significant distance.  hurray!!  then again, DC has a much better transportation system, so there is a trade-off.  the clinic this morning took about half an hour.  I couldn't believe it!  I'd forgotten that there aren't as many restrictions or adhering to rules or whatever crap there is that slows things down in this wonderful midwest.  people smile and say hi and are helpful and obviously i sound ridiculous and am exaggerating.  it is great out here, but it's also great out east.  why else would I be staying out there?  there's got to be something going for it.  i just couldn't get over that I was at the clinic for less time then it took to get there.  it was a wonderful surprise, and a great start to the day.  now I'll scrounge for food- maybe that'll stabilize me.  and call me sappy if you like, but I went into Abercrombie&Fitch just to smell it because I miss Amber.

life is good.  lately, I've been updating at times when I'm down or overwhelmed or both.  when things have been going great and I'm all excited, the thought of tying myself to a screen in order to share just hasn't appealed to me, thus my blog hasn't accurately reflected what im going through.  I'm sitting here at home waiting to hear from Jamie, and thinking about phones.  i forgot my charger in maryland, and will go buy one for the car tomorrow, and Jamie's phone was dying when I called her earlier, so I don't know when we'll get in touch.  i don't think she has my cell's # memorized.  i'm a little tired.  I've been thinking (among other things) about some departing wisdom Amber left me with.  one thing she pointed out (that wasn't a surprise for me) is how i've historically molded to become what i think others are looking for or wanting.  i didn't think it was dishonest at the time, because i thought i could do/be anything, and hadn't figured myself out too much.  i'm more aware of the BS i pull or have, and have been pretty good at stopping in my tracks when necessary and being more honest lately.  i can't say taht I'm there yet- I'm pretty sure I fool myself often (consequently, others) but i'm trying.  i care less what others think or if they approve and while there are times when what people think/say of me really hurts, it's not nearly as much as before, and my happiness/contentment depends on others much less.  sounds like i'm tooting my own horn...

so i've been gathering for and planning out the apartment.  i've got some themes in mind that i should be able to pull off based on what i own and what i'll acquire from my parents.  there are things they have that i don't remember them using for maybe 20 years, and they've given me the go-ahead.  there's so much to do and so little time, i feel rushed and that this time more than makes up for my many relaxed evenings.  my old room is fine.  i just hadn't prepared for it much.  i don't want or expect to have my own place in my parents' home.  i'm off on my own, an adult, and I'd feel like they're trying to hold on or lure me back if they kept my room the same (I've always thought that's creepy in the movies and such).  there are touches of 'me' in the room.  the flowers, the elephant worked into the theme, my stuff stuck in the closet (working on that)  my irises are huge (no longer flowering) and i'm thinking of splitting them and taking some with me (in a pot)  it was sad to see the peach trees and to know I won't eat any for my birthday.  i plan on having a great day regardless, but fresh peaches (and other fruit) are one of lifes greatest joys to me.  i mark time and changes with technology and growing trees.  when i see new buildings or old ones with new names/purposes- even 'new' stoplights, i become nostalgic.  i feel slightly old, and definitely like I've experienced something that someone else never will.  i planted a pine seedling when i was in 4th grade (I believe), and now it's more than twice as tall as me, and has a crooked trunk, like my spine.  it was a siamese tree- and i wanted it to remain that way, but my mom didn't think it would thrive that way, and cut off half way back when.  it seems to be fine now, but for a while, i swear it grew to the side a little, as if it was giving room for its buddy.  reminds me of Gathering Blue or The Giver would be more accurate.  The former I heard on tape during the road trip.  Enjoyable, but annoying, too- and I didn't like the end very much.  it was all rather boring until the end.  I'm now listening to The Secret Life of Bees, but I think I should've read up on that more.  it came highly recommended, but it sounds like a romance novel to me at some points- and I don't appreciate that.  other than that, i can only decribe it as 'girly' because of the way the author describes things through feelings and oh so many details.

this is the first time I've been 'home' since Christmas, and while i've lived a lot of life, this return has been very strange- life has continued here, too.  i no longer feel a vital part of the family.  life goes on.  things get done and go smoothly.

 i'm tired.  i look forward to sleeping in part because it will be in one of the most comfortable beds i've ever slept in.  can't be for too long, though- it's off to the international clinic for shots in the a.m.  plus, with so much to do! who has time for much sleep?  i might head off soon- but i hope to hear from Jamie, 'cause we're supposed to hang out tonight, but maybe tomorrow?  she's important to me.

back to the beginning: I don't try to deceive others.  i mostly deceive myself, and then it all goes to ?somewhere? from there.  i'm grateful to have friends that are willing to talk honestly with me and not run the other way when i share what's going on.  just because i say something doesn't mean i want to feel that way or anything- it's just i think there's power to release it or get over it when it's acknowledged.  minor example: I dreamt that when i visited my parents, I knew they'd been holding something back, and then i found out that a good majority if not all of my dad's relatives had died (maybe even he did), so it was good that i was visiting now, because I could take more tie off if i needed to.  that's one type of thing i fear- important information being withheld from me- 'sheltering' me when i really need to know what's going on.  I don't need to know everything, even though i sometimes want to, but when it's something big like death...  feel free to call me out when it seems like or you know I'm just playing along and withholding what I'm barely able not to say (let me use my discretion as to whether to share).  my opionion/input may matter some time.

in the midst of a time when we're trying to be told how alike we all are, where the differences are neglected (by myself as well, disregarding the other part of society that can't seem to see any similarities and builds walls up), I'm telling you that there are differences, good and bad- and in my example today, between men and women.  Now part of me wants to back it up with research and quotes and all that, and while there is some of that background to what I'm saying, I can't promise more than musings.  There will definitely be generalizations going on, and most of it will be from my limited personal experiences.  My thought of the day is focused on details and ambiguities.  Let's say, for instance, that I were talking with Lady A, and she were talking about her fiance (or some other significant guy in her life)- and after I inquired further into her story and paid attention and all that, but then when the opportunity presented itself, I began to talk about Gentleman C- she would be wise to observe that I am interested in that guy, because even if I were talking about it as calmly as possible, and about something as mundane such as "He's a Nationals' fan" it's obvious that I must hold him highly to follow up her fiance.  It doesn't matter what other connections there are in the conversation- whether both guys are into baseball, or whether I deny it or not, there has to be some good reason that I'd be talking about him.  The good thing about girls, is that we let each other into our worlds and let us know what's up.  We give details, sometimes unprovoked.  It always help when you're interested or ask questions, pick up on the hints, but sometimes we'll say anyways.  Then again, while there are some direct women, I'm not friends with too many of them- so you may not know what we're actually saying.  You may think we're just blabbering or can't handle silence, but really, there are important things between the lines.  I see it as a sort of puzzle.  Figuring out what someone feels/thinks about just about anything/anyone.  Where it gets dangerous is when I try to do that to guys.  Does "hi" really mean "I'm really into you"?  Does not picking up on the cues and answering in-depth mean you're not?  Sometimes, I believe that men know what's going on for the most part, and play dumb, and other times, they seem like they have to be dumb to not respond in such a way that I know they know, whether or not they want to act/talk like women do!  Now I appreciate men, and am glad that it's not only women (or the way women work) in the world- it does make it interesting, but also frustrating.  I just think it's fascinating to see what we can learn about each other (men and women alike), and I've really enjoyed talking with women lately and knowing what's going on in their worlds.  It's also been slightly frustrating because while I need to put effort out to be understood in almost any sense with guys, with ladies lately, it's almost like I need to put a wall up to shield from their knowing eyes.  Part of it is their 'womens' intuition' and part is that I share more with them than w/ men.  who knows?  it's all fascinating to me.

and I didn't get the job at church.  I'm sad, but OK.  if it was supposed to happen, it would have.  it's just another area of my life that's murky.  at least my current job is fine, and this is day two of my two-day workweek!!  it's been a tough one, and I'm ecstatic about this road trip!  in 24 hours from this moment, we should be in Ohio, on the road for 7 hours already.  Ohio is the cheapest state for gas for this trip- in the 2.40s where I'm planning to stop!!

one other positive: it is so good that our lives are spaced out.  i know some people experience sorrow and their lives changing rapidly, and I thank God they have enough strength to go through that, but I was looking for an old e-mail yesterday, and skimmed quite a few months worth of drama and I was overwhelmed and so happy that it took place over so much time instead of like one weekend.  i don't think i'd still be friends with this person (assuming I hadn't died in the process- I felt awful with only a tiny summary of what we'd been through) to say the least- all I know is that life can be tough, but worth it, and I thank God for good friends that stick by.

it's 9-something, and my dream is interupted by a familiar ringtone.  I pull myself together and manage a, "hello?"  "Are you sick?" "no, I was sleeping."  this was at night, by the way.  the voice said, "you're going to a singles conference with me tomorrow night."  what? ok... even for getting up at 5, sleeping before 9 doesn't make much sense- i was just exhausted, until I heard from Amber, and then I was excited to have plans and go out and her enthusiasm was contagious, so i ended up staying awake 'til midnight, talking with her, etc.  I'm guessing there were about 300 ppl at the 'conference.'  Let me start by saying that it was great and the speaker really spoke truth into our lives and the music was good.  it was held by an Assemblies of God church, which should have been all cool, since that's the type of college i went to, but it was much more charismatic than I'm used to, and my baptist background and general intimidation of all things loud made me uncomfortable.  people were dancing around and really getting into the music, praising God, and while i agreed with the words, and thought the tempo was fun, i did little more than sway.  and i felt bad, because i wanted to be comfortable and loosen up, and thought that of all places, somewhere worshipping God should be the easiest place to start.  instead, i went back and forth between wanting to party but feeling like i can't and wanting to melt away into nothing.  it didn't help that Amber and I were minorities there and in the front row- i was so self-conscious!  i thought i was better in social situations, or at least more mature.

The speaker focused on us being complete people.  we need to take care of our minds/bodies/souls.  Some things that stuck out to me were when she was talking about hmmm.   this is tough.  all i know is that she came across as a real, down-to earth person.  it seemed like what she shared, she needed to or God spoke through her or something.  it's not like she had a holier-than-thou attitude or anything.  she gave examples of how trusting God and not living beyond her means has been good- how blessed she has been, and how not only does she have what she needs to survive, but she's gotten what she wants, too.  Now, I'm not promoting 'just do the right thing' as in actions are everything.  It's more of the attitude, anyways.  The current thing I'm trying to get a grip on is putting myself first, or something like that.  I'm thinking about my parents and while I love and admire them, there are things in them I don't want to become, like miserable because of never speaking up for or going after what I want.  While other people are important, and I get excited for them and what's coming their way, I often don't have that same enthusiasm for my future.  I just don't see it like I see others'.  I see the ambiguities and uncertainties and would rather just focus on other peoples' happiness.  Now I don't serve others as much as I think I should or can, but I guess I also don't have high hopes for my life.  I enjoy life and am happy and appreciate what I have, but I don't set my goals high, for the most part.  I settle too much.  I don't dream big.  There is something in me that knows that there is a place for me in this world, and that I was made for that, and that it's big- more than something I could accomplish on my own.  But I don't know what that looks like.  I know some of my characteristics or preferences rock- that there is something that I can do that others can't.  That there will be a task set before me that if I shirk on will affect others negatively.  Now, God's bigger than that, and he can (will) get the job done, but I'd like to think that we each have our part.  I think it's a faith issue.  Instead of hesitating 'cause I'm scared or want to know how things will work or why or wanting a list, I need to get over it.  I do compare myself to others and wonder why I haven't had specific 'dreams' of what I want/will happen in the future.  They'd probably freak me out anyways.  part of why I'm afraid to say what I want is that it hasn't worked out before.  if I keep it to myself, maybe it'll be protected, and will happen and since noone knows about it, who can stop it?  one cool thing is how everything fits together.  it's nice looking back at times when I was like "what in the world?" and see maybe why that happened or i was in that place or things like that.  and that's only a small part- what I can understand.  i don't know how i've affected others for the most part.  i don't know how God's worked through situations and words.  it's nice getting glimpses, though

am i being shy?  haven't written as much lately... some things that are going on include: guy(s) interested or not in me.  One I know for sure is, and today will be the day that I clearly blow him off.  it's one of those situations that i just hoped would go away or wasn't the way that i was perceiving it, that he was just friendly and spoke to every woman flirtaciously.  I was wrong.  i know i've made a big deal of this, but it seems like one to me- it's not something that happens every day.  so yeah, fun.  but on the opposite end of things, i'm learning about guys not only through real life experience, but through books!  the current one is He's Just Not that into You.  I definitely recommend it, and it's by the same authors as It's Called a Break-up 'cause it's Broken.  I sound like such a girl (surprise! I am).  I lack common sense or just don't see things as they are, only how I'd like to or fear them to be, so it's a good perspective.  What I've gained from it so far is that if a guy likes you, he'll let you know and go great lengths to be with you!  Doesn't that sound like a prince/knight?  I know guys can be wimps, and need encouragement and all that- so it's not as simple as waiting in a castle tower as my guy goes on a treacherous journey to get to me... but I'm anti-pushy at this point, and will retreat some place.  I want to be fought for.  hmm... sounds so selfish, but that's where I'm at- I'm (attempting to) chill out and walk slowly.  (while linking to it's called a... I found my myspace was the first result!! of all the things...)

Speaking of books, I've decided to (re-)read some of the classics.  I just finished The Giver (excellent) and am almost half-way through The Sword in the Stone.  My mind just keeps going back to the Disneyfied version, so when they continue to use words I can only guess at, I sigh and push onwards.  It is interesting, and I enjoy the adventure and challenge.  Any suggestions of other classics to go for?  I'm taking a book or two on tape for the road trip, also.

I'm an otter, according to one of those 'What animal are you?' quizzes.  they tried to say I was a snake or bat, and I can see some of the attributes, but otter was almost dead-on.  I don't want to limit who i am, so I won't say what they said, but I thought some of the 'careers and hobbies' were hilarious.  One was 'Pro sport,' but everything else was doable or what I enjoy.  If you take the quiz, let me know what animal you are!

<in a sing-song kids' tune:>  "Initiative, initiative... "  I don't remember and can't find the rest, but it's all about initiative as sung by kids on a Patch the Pirate tape.  My tape selection has diminished, and that is one of the few left in my car.  Amber and I listened to it on our mini-roadtrip the other day.  It's kind of painful, actually.  You wouldn't think an adventure story with a pirate would be, but then again, its target audience probably still has their lunch packed by Mom.  That tape has helped me get through long road trips, when any more NPR or Shrek 2 songs would have me driving into the ditch.  Still, take only in small doses... Getting back to 'initiative,' here are some ways that wiktionary defines it: "1) a beginning, a first move" (OK, basic enough) "2)a new development, a fresh approach to something; a new way of dealing with a problem" now that's what I'm talking about.  more descriptive and motivating and what I think of especially when it comes to a job- a company is looking for someone with def.2 'initiative' to help them achieve the results they're looking for.  and lastly, "3) the ability to act first or on one's own"  this def sounded the most off to me- the word 'ability' in particular.  while reading it over again gave me a better sense, 'ability' and 'action' are way different to me.  I may have the ability to punch someone or hug them or benchpress 300 lbs, but unless I do it, what's it matter?  Don't we all have the ability to do things on our own?  or is that something that we're born with or without?  I need encouragement from others, but doesn't everyone to some extent?  I'm glad that there are people who do see something that needs to be done and do it, regardless if anyone follows or joins them.  I do see ugly variations of that, though, myself included as a culprit.  Maybe because noone's done it or because we don't trust someone else to do an adequate job, we do it ourselves, and take the credit whether or not we even gave the chance for someone to help or maybe it's not only pride, but impatience "it isn't already done, so that means it never will be unless I do something about it."  Chill out!  Chill too much and nothing may ever get done, but try and do everything and 1) you won't be able to and 2) it won't be that good of a job because believe it or not, there are other people who can do better than you!  hmm... harsh.  it's all about balance.  'balance' was one of the words Hope and I defined on an index card on our dorm door.  It's something that consumes my life once in a while.  Am I doing what's important?  am I spending a good amount of time on projects/friends/voluntee ring?  am I doing anything worthwhile in the longrun?  Back to initiative.  I won't expound on every area that affects (or should)- in fact, I won't even mention what brought all this on, only to say that in this case, in my judgment, it was when someone else was supposed to take the initiative, and I was dying for something to happen, but still was tempted to elicit it myself, but my patience held out enough that it did happen, but not on my accord.  (can we say, "run-on?")  ; so hurray for people following through or taking the initiative or just taking a small step to let others know they care!

there's a lot that I'm going through right now that I probably won't share here, but life is pretty good.  had a nice weekend that included driving (just really wanted to- went to a town about 1 1/2 away).  one of the main things bothering me has to do with money- I send my checks to the bank back home (maybe I really should open an account here, but I like my other bank), and the last batch hasn't been deposited, and there are things I need to pay for soon, so I'm wondering if it's just taking longer than usual, or if I'll need to get them reissued or whatnot and then I figured out my budget was off, and I'm not doing as well as I'd thought- so whatever.  it'll be fine, and work out and all that- but in the meantime, it sucks and bothers me.

and i'm in the mood of wondering if it'd be better if i just left everyone alone (i don't know if that's possible)- like that I'm being ridiculous, and wasting peoples times and such- I can't pinpoint where that's coming from, and it's quite possible that if i just keep on pushing on, something wonderful will come out of it and it'll be worth it all, but in the meantime...

'User with an evil looking silhouette sitting at the computer.'
--- the caption of an awesome cartoon-depiction of the above-stated, as found in my security training currently set aside for this update!

and "Here comes the rain again... I want to dive into your ocean; is it raining with you?"- Eurythmics

Social-Investigative-Arti stic.  Those are the top three 'qualities' that were indentified in my personality in 4th grade.  I still claim them, but had pushed it aside until today, when I was reading about a career in international human rights.  I love people, can't stand to see them hurt, and want to stand on their behalf- make their lives important and real to others.  The situations that hit me the most involve women/girls (like forced prostitution) and/or the poor.  The site I checked out most regarding all this is International Justice Mission.

Speaking of the poor, I'm planning on visiting Haiti this summer, and am brainstorming ways to fundraise for the group going- I'm pulling ideas from TV episodes of old, personal experience, and search results on-line.  If you know of something effective/fun, please share!

The good ol' Midwest.  No wonder I have fond memories of living and driving there, and why 'Illinois drivers' are no headache compared to DC drivers.  DC-area drivers are rated second only to Rhode Islanders according to an article about the worst drivers in the U.S.  I can attest to that, although it's just overall- there are good and bad drivers everywhere, but every day, I swear I don't know how people passed their licensing exams in the first place, or that they are actually taught to drive how dangerously they do.  Speed limits are only numbers by the road, unless there's police around- I think a big philosophy is, "how fast can I get from point A to point B?"  And it isn't the speed I mind as much- it can be fun, it's when people are ... and tailgate badly when you have nowhere to go- you're already going as fast as those in front of you... seldom signaling, constantly changing lanes and honking and blegh!!  I'm excited for my road trip back to the Midwest.  But that reminds me of two roads- Highway 50 (75th St) and Georgia Avenue.  Both are major roads who have major traffic and could probably benefit from overpasses at major intersections.  They definitely need better traffic flow.

I feel a little out of it today.  The two things I can pin it to are: 1)the effects of drinking last night and 2)my heart torn asunder.  I think more than those two are just me being dramatic and blowing things out of proportion.  I really didn't drink much, and I ate a lot and drank lots of water, so I think I was fine.  I don't have a headache or anything, just felt a little under-the-weather when I woke up.  I think I just want an excuse for feeling down this morning.  I'm fine now.  My grandma rocks!  As far as my heart goes, nothing explicitly happened to make me feel that way- so maybe that lack of anything has caused it?  Maybe I just wish something would happen/change, so my anxiousness is grieving me?  I have a hard time sitting still.

OFFER: African Goddess
----as seen in Freecycle

Another dream.  Let me start with a bit of the background first.  Anthony and I went to elementary and jr high school together.  He was popular in an edgy way.  He was loud and listened to loud music and swore- all things that added up to him not being high in my book.  Nonetheless, he has a special place in my heart to this day.  There's something to doing what you want, screw the consequences.  So anyways, the memory associated with him that stands out the most was when we were all signing yearbooks at the end of 5th grade.  Anthony was writing something like "Practice safe sex" to everyone in class, my friend warned me, but whether it was out of stubbornness or giving him the benefit of the doubt, I offered him mine as well, and he wrote "Have a great summer."  See what can happen?  People never cease to amaze me.  Now, I don't know what he was thinking- whether he was watching out for/protecting me or could see sex was not on my mind or whatnot, but I thought that was one of the coolest things ever.  I lean more towards he was babying me, since when I went to jr high, my classmates generally didn't swear around me, because they knew I didn't like it...

That brings me to the dream.  Apparently, Anthony was getting back in touch with me.  He called and IMed and it was exciting, but overwhelming.  I couldn't keep up!  When he IMed, it was like 5 things at once, and I was working on something else or didn't want to dive in so fast or something, so I only responded to select things he wrote.  The controversy came when an ex (who I'd apparently dated for 4 years, but had broken up with a long time ago) came back into my life.  He was clingy and followed me around like a puppy.  It was hard being friends with Anthony with my ex always there, and I couldn't shake him off and I couldn't explain him.  It was hard being friends with or getting to know Anthony better when someone else was always there.