hmmm.... write when I'm sad?  sigh.. yup.  There will be some 'up' points, too.

I'm mainly sad 'cause I've been thinking about people not valuing their lives and what form that takes.  sleeping around?  cutting yourself?  letting yourself go (don't bathe/exercise)?  I think it's easy to get to that point when you compare yourself to others or to some high standard that you can never mearsure up to.  I'm not saying that 'everything's OK.'  There's always room for improvement.  You can achieve greatness and go great distances and probably a lot more than you  think.  How does that happen?  maybe through lots of sweat and tears.  maybe by relying on God and being sensitive to his guiding.  maybe by riding on someone's coattails.  All I know is that I've never seen it happen while someone was sitting around doing nothing.

went to the Holocaust Museum this weekend.  learned a lot.  thought a lot.

blind date: OK.  there's the whole chicken vs egg thing regarding that.  you could say that I since I am interested in someone else, there wasn't even a chance that I would be interested in the blind date.  But maybe it was (this is my theory) that it was upon meeting this new guy and seeing the non-connection or that he's not what I'm looking for that I thought of the other guy and how I'd much rather be out with him... so suffice to say that it was just OK.  It's always cool meeting new people and learning their stories, etc.  It was really hot out and we walked around for a while and then sat in Panera drinking water and then went to an Irish pub (my favorite place in that city) and I don't know if it was the heat or what, but I wasn't hungry- just had cheesecake.  went to Borders afterwards and I read all about heart health/disease and an Alton Brown cookbook (will try out a crepe recipe) as he read a cartoon strip book.  Amber then came (I kind of SOS'd her) and it was awkward (or at least I was being weird)- we were going for icecream, but then I didn't want any, so then noone did and we just went to CVS instead.  I guess at that point I was cranky.  at the very least, I wasn't charming.  I guess the guy's more of a listener, but he talked a good deal, seemed pretty comfortable.

I'm rather snobbish today (maybe in general?).  I don't think I have to like anyone and I don't think I have to give anyone a chance (at least as a boyfriend).  so why is that not OK with others- why did I have to have a horrible experience (did not) or does the guy have to be a creep in order to not go out with him again or to just think it was OK?  the turtle/donkey part of me wants to give up and think about being single forever- but that seems OK.  not ideal, but I could manage.  don't know if I'd want to subject someone to me anyways.  For example, I'm really shallow (hopefully only sometimes).  The example that comes to mind is that I get compliments on my skirts, etc. at work- and I absolutely love that and it's one reason I'm still working here as opposed to venturing out somewhere else.  I don't want someone to always say something to me about me (how boring) but it's hard to get past appearance sometimes.  When I compliment people at work, it's usually about their style.  When I get to know them better, I throw in other deeper qualities, but I also try not to freak people out too badly (embarass).  That's one thing they can get over, though.  They need to know there's more to them than what they look like- and I'll do my part to show them that.  It's just hard.  I don't want to encourage the importance of appearance, but it's about the only way I've found recently of encouraging others.  I'll keep digging.  I learned about someone's interest in tai chi, and am using that as a starting point.

like I mentioned earlier, we went to the Holocaust Museum this weekend.  after hanging around DC for a bit longer, we headed back via Metro(rail).  It had just pulled up, so Amber yelled, "Let's run!" or 'go' or something similar.  I did, and ignored the protest of the recorded voice saying, "Step back, doors closing."  Almost all of me made it in, but Amber and Lacon (sp?) didn't.  Part of my shoulder was stuck for a little while (don't remember that part) but two guys pried the door open for me (my purse was also stuck pretty soundly).  I laughed it off but was a little scared.  I thought the doors would bounce, like elevator doors.  They didn't.  They crush if necessary.  I talked it up with my fellow passengers and joked around and everything, but got off at the next stop to wait for the others.  They thought it was the funniest thing, and vowed not to trust my judgement for the rest of the day.  I can't say that I blame them.

perhaps my last story/news of the day (can't promise):  things are changing at church.  Maybe that's what I felt last Thursday.  I suspected as much as happened, but not to that extent or in that form.  As of August 15th, the whole pastoral staff is resigning.  When the elders (can't think of their actual 'name' maybe 'trustees' or something- the (3 of) 4 pillars of the church, basically) got up to speak, I knew it was serious, but with them crying and being somber and all that, I thought the church was going to close down because of these changes.  Not so.  I'm glad that these awesome leaders are doing what they need to.  They've worked very hard the past 2 years, and if they need rest or to pursue other things that God's gifted them with or placed on their hearts, more power to them.  It might have been easier to stay at the church, knowing what's expected of them, etc.- so it takes faith to move on (especially when the church is growing so much and is so down-to-earth and the people are so great...)  So while I'm slightly sad, I'm overpoweringly peacfeul and happy for them.  and they will at the very least continue our friendships and perhaps go to our church as part of the congregation.  We'll be spending the next 12 weeks talking about what our church believes and going from there.  I'm trying to see in what ways I can step up.  I'm mostly behind-the-scenes at this point.  and I have free time.

Good Morning, all!  it's Friday it's Friday it's Friday!!!  I'm tired, but happy.

Yesterday, I had felt a bad premonition or something like that, and called most of the people I'm closest with, but it seems like everyone's fine.  Didn't get a hold of all, but my fear is alleviated.  I may add to this as the day progresses.

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It's hard to hold a grudge against someone who gives me good food.  There's an embittered woman at work who is always complaining whom I have a hard time having a good impression of.  She brought homemade cupcakes with a chocolate buttercream frosting, and I was won over.  I guess it's that "... love you, but right now I just don't like you" situations. (courtesy of Relient K)  Wisconsin may have Kringles, but Maryland (or is it a bigger area than that?) has buttercream frosting.  It's fluffier and the taste is lighter, and more buttery, perhaps.  Maybe if it's manageable, I'll bring some back to the Midwest.  My dad especially loves cupcakes.  He told me that as a kid, he'd hold one in each hand- just couldn't get enough!!  I'm more into brownies.

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personal responsibility.
I feel a bit like a mom today.  One of my responsibilities at work is to clean out the fridges on Fridays.  There are maybe 50 people in my office, so they can get pretty bad.  I sent out an e-mail reminding everyone to label, etc. but when it came to checking if things are expired, etc. it was so nasty.  Can't say I have too much of an appetite right now.  I know that it's important that someone keeps the kitchens clean, but it makes life so much easier and the fridge so much less smelly when people keep track of what they bring.  What things have I 'left in the fridge' so to speak, but have neglected?  Where is someone else cleaning up for me?  How awesome of a weekend can I have?

I don't know what I was talking about the other day when I said I was over any sort of guy thing.  The most honest way I can come up with to describe that is to say that I pushed aside any notion of remotely liking a certain guy because nothing's happened so far.  That's my excuse too often in situations- I'm working on being more pro-active.  Like a guy told me last night, I can have any guy I want.  Now, I recognize how conceited that sounds.  My theory is that anyone can have anyone, and if they can't (the person doesn't give them the time of day) then he/she isn't worth your time.  I'd like to say no one's too good for someone else, but there certainly are jerks and low-lifes out there, so I can't honestly say that.  So, I'm being pro-active in a way, but I'm used to not dating... ok, that's a bunch of crap.  I'm not really sure what I'm up to- I even stayed up late talking with Amber about it last night.  All I know is that just 'cause the timing hasn't worked out before doesn't mean it never will, unless it's not supposed to... (is that vague enough for you? ;) I want to be upfront, but am being a bit shy, so I won't say who- only that I feel too logical about it sometimes, fearing I'd end up killing him unwittingly and literally; and even though there are great guys out in this Mid-Atlantic, it's not one of them.)

I feel immature and in a strange place right now, so I won't say much more at the moment.

I visited my neighbor-friends again.  Unfortunately, it echoes a little of summer '02.  That was when I had just finished my first semester at NCU, just broken up with my boyfriend, and was in a rebellious/experimental-i n-a-sitback-sort-of-way stage.  I could bore you with details of what that was like, but suffice to say that it was boring, and was a major contributing factor to my whole '6-month rule' about waiting to date again.  These neighbors at least talk with me.  It hasn't been boring.  I'll hang out with them again, and it's nice having a place I know I'm welcome.  Now if only I can find women to set them up with, maybe they'll leave me be.  It's nice having options- knowing that if I wanted to go fishing or dance or whatever, there's someone more than willing, but then again, I most likely won't, because I see nothing happening there and I don't want to lead anyone on.  it is pretty flattering, though

so I've got to go chill out now and not get into my 'lists' mind-set.  There's only so much you can do on your own.  At some point, I've got to listen to God and let Him take control and not try to make sense of everything/anything, and I want that time to be now :)

-That was what I was asked this morning as I entered my (work) building.  "Great..."  I thought.  "Is my morning really starting off this way?  Do I look like a wreck after this walk/sprint from the grocery store?"  But apparently that's not what he meant.  The guy thought I was beaming and was just bursting with joy.  I was, in a way.  I'm always happy when I've just worked out a little.  I've got a little extra bounce and energy.  I had also just been thinking about meeting new people and the wonderful possibilities the future brings.  (how many times have I used "I" so far?)

Dating stories... I said I'd share, so here are a few (may be uncomfortable/inappropria te):

1) perhaps most embarassing moment (semi-deferred):  about a week (I swear it was like 4/5 days) before I was going to see my parents, I received a present in the form of the biggeset hickey ever.  It was bad enough having my friends and co-workers see it, but to imagine what my parents would think- I couldn't handle it.  And it was not the right season for scarves/turtlenecks... so even people I didn't talk with much gave me a look or commented.  Definitely couldn't pull it off as a curling iron burn.  Nothing like that has ever happened again, thank God.  and miraculously, it healed/faded before my parents saw.  Thank God for healing bodies.

2) not dating but awkward: a friend who lived in another state and always wanted me to visit invited me out, and assured me he had a spare room- he always has friends over, etc.  Yeah, right.  The first day I was there, he offered to buy me wine (underage) and he has one giant room-of-an-apartment, except a seperate bedroom.  The 'spare room' was the living room with a futon.  Can't say that I was happy.  He offered me his room, but how weird would that be- to sleep in some guy's bed... I think at least Amber will appreciate this: when we went to a bookstore, and I was browsing different language books, some of the things I wrote down were how to say, "Stay away" or "Back off."  It was my way of coping.  I have some unique (effective?) ways of turning guys down, and can offer advice if you ask.

3) some dates were fun.  There have been the good times, like going to games together or playing games with friends or going for walks, talking, eating... but for some reason, I keep thinking about times of conflict (especially with his friends) so let me think a little more.  The best I can come up with is a general experience.  It's great when there's that connection, and you can talk for hours and really understand each other.  and of course kissing is fun (gasp!) usually.  I used to date guys just 'cause they were into me- somehow I thought just changing the title would make me feel differently.  Nope.  Sorry, guys!  I tried to back out ASAP.

4) one more:  Rollerskating at a rink with the guy.  A song comes on and I don't really realize what it is until it's been playing for awhile.  It was my favorite Tainted Love.  how ironic.  He had requested it for me- and even at the time, I saw the irony- thought it was so cool to have someone care enough about me to request a song, but I also knew the lyrics, and thought it was an odd thing to get excited about.

I don't know the difference between dating and friends.  Well, maybe.  I just mean that I'm tired of things not working out and getting emotionally attached and all that.  Some of my best memories with or without guys could have been just as friends.  why the commitment?  why the title?  Sure, dating can be fun, but at what cost?  I wish I could just be friends and then get engaged.  I get attached to people, though- just about everyone, from a fellow bus-rider to my relatives.  and honestly, I want everything.  I want to know everyone well.  I want them to know me.  I want to jam to music and travel and read and cheer people up.

Yesterday, I was evaluating my life and where things were at, and especially after talking with a friend who currently has tons of drama going on, I thought: "My life is pretty calm right now.  Nothing's really going on."  The housing situation seems fine, my job seems rather secure, I am over any sort of crush or guy-thing, none of my friends have huge issues with me to my knowledge... that gives you an idea.  So, I'm talking with my in-the-midst-of-drama friend when another friend calls.  I normally let voicemail pick it up, but when she called two more times successively, I knew something was up.  She's setting me up on a blind date (again).  I retraced the first time this happened, which was 6 months ago.  It was a blast.  There was a connection there, but not on a romantic level.  I think he may have ended up liking Amber- either way, if we ever have a ton of people over, he may be invited.  That date (I hesitate to call it that) was the same weekend as my first time at The Church in Bethesda.  It's crazy to think of all that has happened since.  In some ways, it's hard to believe I've only been there 6 months, but in others, I totally get it, because there is so much more to learn about everyone, etc.

So yeah, I'm going on another blind date.  It seems foreign to me- as in what types of things do I normally want to know about a person, etc.  I feel no pressure, though.  How much can there be when there's no commitment?  It's a chance to get to know someone.  Does anyone have some good questions/things to find out?  (a conversation shouldn't be too hard, but I know there are very interesting topics out there) ALSO: I'd love to hear blind-date or just any type of dating stories!!  Please share!!!  I promise to share some of my own, too.

Today has been an explicatives morning so far.  The closest unborrowed phrase I can come up with to describe is is, "Man!"  and that is probably borrowed, too.  There haven't been any life-or-death situations going on, just what a 'bad' Monday morning can be.... Originally, I went on to describe in detail what my morning's been like, but decided it was to e-typical (e as in Erin).  I often volunteer too much information.  I do so in part because I think you may care and in part because I'd like the same.  While there are some monumental situations and moments when only a word or two are spoken (or even none), there are plenty more that would benefit from paragraphs of information.  If for nothing else, to let each other into our worlds and experiences.

With that said, enjoy Monday!

What I know, I share.  I want to know more.  People seem to appreciate what I share with them, even if it's that Old Navy is having a great clearance right now (which it is).  I'm such a sellout.  I should get paid by companies for the endorsing I do.  encouragement  One goal I guess you could say that I have is to encourage others and to help them achieve/overcome what they're struggling with.  I want to point them in the right direction or at least give them some contacts.

I need those contacts.  I'm stressed.

may be whiny (but I need to get it out).  Proceed at your own risk:

Growing up, my best friend had issues with my dad (it seems my friends tend to have 'issues' with someone or other important to me- but that's for another entree).  She made a huge contrast between her Italian emotional (aka caring) self and my dad's German (although he's maybe 1/4th) heartlessness.  I took this to heart, and when she would make fun of him, I'd feel it as if she were saying it about me.  not all the time- I was mad at him sometimes or thought he could be 'heartless,' but I think she did aim it at me, and that was her passive-aggressive way of getting it out.  My dad did tease her- knows how to get to people, and I know sometimes she was just looking out for me- maybe if he had a rule I didn't agree with (although I've got to say that my parents gave us a lot of freedom, we just didn't push it).  At that point in my life (high school) I did bury my feelings and walk around rather composed- not letting on what I really thought or felt about someone/something (except I shared certain things with my closest friends).  Don't get me wrong- I still shared crazy stories and was mischievious in my own way- but was much more reserved than I am now, which says a lot.

What I did then I still do now to some extent.  That is, I play up to the role or perception that people have of me.  Friendly receptionist? down pat.  over-the-top illogical friend?  a cinch.  damsel in distress? that's also another blog.  So while I could never be a 'real' actress (have a hard time being serious when necessary, speak quietly, etc) I sure do play-it-up in real life!  wait- I'm not trying to brag- I want to be consistent and am working on presenting the same thing to all- and having that 'image' actually be honest and real and all that.  I think part of my problem is that I do believe I can do/be just about anything- so I don't normally think it's dishonest to appear to be all sorts of things.  That, and I LOVE approval- on all levels.  feedback is one of my favorite things, and although I glare, etc. when it's critical- I recognize the importance of it and love my friends' honesty.  my most tortured moments in life have been the in-between times-- waiting for answer, hearing nothing about someone's opinions or thoughts on a relationship, for example.  Or at work.  there are things I can just wing, but it gives me endless pleasure to make a list, and check things off as I go along, no matter how minor those tasks are.  So patience is a virtue I lack for the most part- when it comes to things I do have control over (or think I do) then I can usually wait- like as far as buying things.  If it's something bigger- like 'Does he like me?' 'How long will I live here- do i need to seriously apartment-hunt/get a second job?' or any other of infinite possibilities, then I can go quite insane.  I'm surprised I can sleep at night- my brain is so much in over-drive!!  Maybe the analytical nature, etc in me is good for something?  some career perhaps?  So (needless to say?) if I could pick a super-power, it'd be to read people's minds.  Since I don't anticipate acquiring that skill, I'm working on communication, but it's hard when I have so many questions, and my friends don't always answer them, especially if they're 'what if's.  Where are my buddies who love 'what if's?  Maybe that's too much in the mind and not enough in action.  Maybe that's why it seems like my friends growing up have vanished.  Maybe they're lost in their minds?  Maybe I've scared them off somehow.

getting back to the beginning: so I do feel a lot, regardless of my ethnic heritage, and I don't know why the feelings are so strong.  Like today, I'm really sad- as in holding back tears.  It could be because I'm stressed about the housing situation, and have somewhat of a heartbreak in another area- but I think it's something bigger than that.  I know it also has to do with someone close to me wishing my life turned out differently (me not wanting it that way), and with the pain I see in my co-workers lives, and in my friends'...  So I really just want to love on someone- where are the kids to hug?  the dogs to play with?  I want to do more than just smile and listen to people.  I want to really connect with someone.

This is a depiction of my strawberry animal friend.  It's fairly accurate for the tools and time I have, although the 'real' version looks friendlier.  I think it may be the colors.  and the nose.  The real one resembles a dog's or pig's snout.  I made my 'friend' by taking two bites of a strawberry.  I had no idea that he would turn into such an interesting being!!

Last week, I learned a little about life and growth and all that because my strawberries rapidly grew mold.  I chose to see it as a science experiment more than a disappointment or frustration.  I have to admit it was rather interesting to see juicy, ready-to-eat strawbe rries one day, and then something that looked like this the next:

Where has the time gone?  It's already after 9, and I haven't finished my breakfast!  and I'm taking a pill that I need to take 2 hours after a meal and 1 hour before, so I need to stop just about now...  that breakfast just happens to be STRAWBERRIES!  I'd forgotten that I'd broughten some to work before the whole fiasco.

Aren't these just the most adorable things you've seen today?  I saw a flop-earred bunny on Freecycle and it took quite a bit to not attempt to adopt it.  Now, I've never actually owned a rabbit, but from what I've observed, they're nothing like dogs, so I probably wouldn't have gone through all the effort to get one (like I would have for a dog) but I still can't help thinking they're some of the cutest things!!

I had a very strange experience lately.  It was as if I were in an alternate universe.  I've felt that way before, but never like this.  I met someone who looks like they could at the very least be cousin of a friend I know.  I swear that I had to stop from fooling myself that we've met before and he knows all about me, etc.  It was overwhelming, and I couldn't help thinking of my friend who has no apparent relationship with God/Christ and how different things would be if he did.  I wished he could meet this guy- like he has a choice to be this 'character' so to speak.  It makes me wonder if there are alternate versions of ourselves all over the world.  I'd venture to say there is.  While I like to see everyone as individuals, much more often, I see what we have in common- and I see the impact a single decision/action can make and I wonder, if these guys really were cousins/alternate versions of one person- would they even recognize that if they met?

some things I like:  the use of words.  I've been utilizing WORD's thesaurus and dictionary lately.  One of the higlights of my security job 4 summers ago was playing a game with a dictionary and my co-worker/boss.  Don't worry- that was after the place was secured and checked out and clean and all that.  Some jobs just require a body to be there at some points (not too different than this one).  I've been reorganizing my 'office space' and rediscovered a big dictionary and thesaurus in one drawer.  Imagine the possibilities!!  I'm trying to improve my knowledge of how words are usually used.  That's not to say I won't have my 'Humpty Dumpty' moments.  I really think that there are very 'parts of speech' that can be used as verbs effectively.  I've never really related to fairytale princesses all that much- but honestly, if I were to be a character in Through the Looking-Glass, being that I don't proclaim to have defined acting skills- that is, if I were to wear the right costume and basically act and talk like I do now, I very well could be cast as Humpty Dumpty.  Here's a quote that may illustrate:
"But 'glory' doesn't mean a 'nice knock-down argument'," Alice objected.
"When I use a word," Humpty Dumpty said, in a rather scornful tone, "It means just what I choose it to mean- neither more nor less."
"The question is," said Alice, "whether you can make words mean so many different things."
"The question is," said Humpty Dumpty, "which is to be master--- that's all."
I've very much enjoyed Lewis Carroll's books.  I've even begun to hear things in iambic pentameter (or whatever Carroll's choice poetry style is).  I wish I weren't almost through with the second book.
Another thing I like is labeling things.  Literally.  We've got a label maker at work, and it's so fun!  I almost want to label random things like speakers and handles and such-
Lastly, I like rejected things, such as clothes.  I thought our 'donations' box in the lounge of our dorm was great!  We did end up giving things away to charity, but beforehand, we dug through it and helped ourselves.  I found a great pair of jeans (which have since been slaughtered and now is sewn into a carseat cover in the works.  Recently, I've gotten a dress and food and will soon get shoes- all from co-workers!  I guess a bit of college carries on in life.  I'm all about reduce-reuse-recycle, and I like the connection it gives us to each other.  I like thinking of my friend as I wear this skirt.  I wonder how much stuff goes into the trash that someone else could use- like food?

some things I've self-observed:  I now swing my arms.  Most likely from a combination of my stubbornness and uptightness, I didn't swing my arms when I was younger.  I remember going hiking with my family and my dad telling me to swing my arms- and I said I can't and he said it's a natural part of walking, and to just do it, so sometimes I tried- sometimes not.  It felt forced.  I've recently noticed myself swinging the arm that's not clutching the purse.  To me, it marks a general loosening up- which is something I need and want to do.  I'm definitely not there yet, though.  For example, the bus I've ridden on has broken down twice.  Two different routes, two different days.  I'd like to say I took it all in stride, but that would be a lie.  The first time, I walked to the next station (it had stopped near former stomping grounds) and that was a nice little hike and cooled me off a little.  There was still drama after that but not compared to yesterday.  Somehow, timing was just not working well, and I was at middle ground (transfer point) for 30-40 minutes before the 'express' bus came.  I could have waited maybe a few minutes more for the other bus, but I was ready to be home eating dinner.  Suffice to say that was delayed another 45min-1hr.  It was raining and I just read my book for the most part.  I didn't know how long we'd be stranded, but even so, who could I have called?  Amber was at a prayer meeting and we would get home at some point...  I realized that it actually wasn't a personal attack on me and that I'm not flexible or easy-going as I'd thought.  For example, I thought one particular fellow did a much better job of dealing.  He was out there in the rain smoking, talking it up with another passenger, smiling a lot and even referred to the ordeal as a sort of fieldtrip.  Between him and the red paper clip guy, I'm becoming more of a groupie than I thought I'd ever be.  Why are people so intriguing and admirable?  "There are certain people you just keep coming back to..."  All at Once by the Fray.
my 'hmmph' that is a sort of chuckle or grunt was adapted by hearing my dad make such a noise when I thought he was laughing, but even back then, I suspected he was just clearing his nose/throat, but it was already a habit of mine.  So I sound ridiculous sometimes, but it's my way of showing I find something amusing in a down-played sort of way.  To me, it illustrates how we can really misinterpret others- but I think it's OK, too- because I find humor in quite a few things, and maybe I wouldn't as much if I hadn't thought my dad also thought so many things were funny.  I have other evidence that shows he is quick-witted and teased a lot.  I like my dad!

I didn't click it!!  My blog counter/parent registers where I click supposedly- like checking out friends' pages, etc.- but sometimes it says a site that I haven't checked out.  That may not sound like a big deal, but I'm sensitive to people having an 'accurate' perception of me.  What's accurate?  can't really tell you- it's not every person seeing me the same way.  I can tell you that much.  It's more things that can be proven/disproven, like "where were you on the night..?"  (props to Clue)  now that I've gotten that off my chest:

I like making arrows grow.  or scroll bars, more accurately.  or is it shrink?  I enjoy erasing previous e-mails or content, and seeing that scroll bar slowly consume the right hand of my screen.  It is like I'm getting much closer to the content. can't say why I get such a thrill!

I don't like not finishing things.  sometimes.  For example, I've been sent to fetch files while my boss is on vacation (feels like an invasion of privacy).  Today, I could not find one.  I went through them all 3 times.  They were to be found in various drawers and organizers with little or no consistency.  I've helped her start to put them in order, but they're far from there.  so, having not found the file and knowing it's supposedly there somewhere is driving me up a wall.  Other times, when there is no clear deadline for something to be done by, I don't mind the mess or lack of finality.  Sometimes life has to be torn apart before getting pieced back together.

We're meeting with the landlords tonight.  There are 3 of us- perhaps four.  Since Amber's back, we've talked about getting another place.  but honestly, I like the area, and if rent doesn't hike up with the added people, we're getting a better deal than most studio or 1-bedroom apartments (much better than 3 or 4-bedrooms).  as far as sanity and personal space?  Not sure about that one.  After decorating the place and moving more things in, I'm not up for packing and moving.  It seems like I've carried things in and out of cars far too much this year.  I did say that the other two girls can move in- that I'm cool with that, but now I'm not so sure.  with moving out, we'd have to sign a 1-year lease, most likely- and with not knowing how we'd all get along... but a pool sounds sooooo wonderful- and if we only paid a small fortune on rent, I could afford to go to a public pool!  ah, life---

what's the deal with me and businesses going kaput?  is it that they just can't go on without me?  am I attracted to tough situations in which no one else wants to deal with, and I help them hang on just a little longer?  is it something not related at all?  the bakery and icecream store I worked at closed (went out of business?) not too many months after I quit them.  the retail store I worked at was in a mall that was closing (has moved to a busier area since I've quit).  Other jobs have gotten more business- where do I fit in?  One of my favorite guys at work is quitting next week.  He always has an upbeat attitude and has made some of the darker times here more bearable.  two other co-workers who I felt similarly about- who had important roles here and maybe were just too nice for how they were treated or all the stress they endured- have also quit- so what's that leave?  is this a sign I need to move on?

along those lines, the guy told me it's been nice having me here for "a friendly smile and greeting each day."  Is that all?  does it matter?  I want to impact the world more than that.  but then again, I can't tell you how much a friendly smile has done for me- it has turned my day upside down and helped me receive love and peace.

I lost my post because of accidently pressing the wrong key.  I'd written about a bad domestic situation, pluots, geese and Hooky Jack's.  I will attempt to recreate that:

What do you do when you are threatened by your ex-boyfriend but don't feel like you can trust anyone to help?  a co-worker is going through that, and it's tearing me up as well (part of my ability to relate to others and take their problems as my own).  I know what I'd do in the situation (or at least think I'd do): throw all his stuff in a box on the curb (if I were in a good enough mood) and call the police if necessary- surounding myself with people who can help/protect.  She has a son, and is a great, loving person- why won't he just leave her alone and respect her wishes?  Why is she allowing him to get away with this?  She wants it to stop, and is going about that by trying to do nothing to get him angrier...

Pluots (plum-apricot hybrid) are very refreshing and one of my favorite fruit.  If you haven't tried one, I'd say, "Go for it!" or at least some other fruit you haven't- it's one of nature's naturally hydrating/cooling devices.  That, and sweat.

"Don't bite the hand of the mouth that feeds you."
---Amber (unless you're a penguin, and you call wings 'hands.')  She also mistook ducks for goslings.  I think it's so hilarious, 'cause normally I'm the one confusing things- it's a nice change of pace.  I'll start jotting down quotable moments for myself as well.

Hooky Jack's is the place to eat if you're in the Black Hills.  It's in Rapid City, about 45 min north of Mt. Rushmore.  They have specials like $5 pizzas on Mondays, and other fun things, like karaoke (I wasn't old enough at the time, but I heard it was fun).  They make their dough fresh every day, which also tastes great in the form of a bread bowl salad.  If I lived near there or Hooky Jack's was near me, I'd go regularly.  I also thought it was cool that if your local sports team (even little league) was on cable or something like that, they'd put it on the big screen.  What a cool thing!

my nights watching nostalgic Disney episodes and eating chocolate by myself are now over.  Amber is on the road and will get here tonight in time to see Pirates... with us.  She's planning on working at the summer camp she did last year.  Maybe there's a big magnet out here that's drawing her back.  Maybe there's a same-charge magnet in the Midwest that's propelling her away.  Either way, I look forward to her being around again.  Depending where she works, I may only see her once in a blue moon late at night, but that's just fine.  Amber plans on only being here 4-6 weeks- so we'll go from there.  Going back to Disney & chocolate: I only did that once- I've been busy hanging out w/ people- I'm not a recluse.  I thought the tape was pretty hilarious, though- my parents recorded it from TV in the early 80s.  In fact, the scheduled Robin Hood movie was postponed because of President Ronald Reagan's speech.  And the hairstyles... haha

so that's the only major thing.  I'm having a blast today- thinking things are hilarious, etc.- like an article about the efforts of some people in Tennessee to help a cow that got stuck.  I'm finding all sorts of fun clip art for the binder I'm working on.  Now I've got to write out more tasks, etc. so I have more places for the images.  Has anyone read Around the World in 80 Days?  I love it!  I want to do that!!  Not following that path necessarily, but imagine the places and cultures you could experience in 80 days with modern transportation.  Speaking of which (book) for those of you who have time, 'renting' on-line books is great- I'm all about the paper, but it's also nice just scrolling down and experiencing books in all fashions.  back to the binder...

... unless you suffer from Gastroesophageal Reflux Disease, and some other ones.  when I opened the chocolate, and read this declaration, I was even tempted to toss the chocolate because of how offended I was.  It seemed to be addressing the issue of love/need with an economical twist- and I didn't like that.  It made me wonder what kids are being taught:  teacher:  "Don't think about your dad being too busy to spend time with you- at least a greasy burger and fries will love you back."  WHAT?!  While I admittedly am an emotional eater (an eater of all sorts, actually) there is only so much food can do for your spirit.  It is important that we don't just try to buy our happiness (or others) or use other substitutes.  So what if we don't always love someone perfectly?  we're human!  We hurt and get hurt and let things get between us and disappoint and blow others away with love and friendship and forgiveness.  I for one would rather live and experience some of the less-wanted and stinging parts of life and be able to relate to others and feel alive than to live in some sort of in-between foggy cloud, not experiencing much pain or joy (like some characters in One Flew Over the Cuckoo's Nest.)

"Do it now, don't delay- don't put it off for another day."
----lyrics to a kids song that I still sing when I consider procrastinating.

Why is this not fitting?  What's the deal?  My thoughts as of late when I try to put an earring in an already-occupied ear.  It's happened a couple times- I didn't use to wear earrings much- nonetheless, it's made me think of a life lesson, or something like that.  I need to write out what I consider to profound thoughts.  The smallest thing can speak to me so loudly!  In this case, I thought about other parts of my life- places that I think there are holes or are empty, etc.- are there things there that I forgot about?  that I just don't notice- and yet am trying to cram something else there?  There is an order to things- and I can only hold so much at once- I need to get rid of some things.

follow the pink sparkling trail- it will lead to me

"Your life is glamorous."
----co-worker to me.  She said this before and after telling me about her life as a mother.  That just goes to show how little she knows me.  Sure, I try to be upbeat and share the good things going on, especially with her (I always think she'll have a panic attack or heart attack- with how stressed she gets) but that doesn't encompass all of me or my life.  If we were more of friends, I'd let her know about the real, sad parts.  I'm honest as far as saying when I'm OK or fine- instead of great or good- but that still doesn't make my life glamorous.  I think she's seeing my life as hers was when she was single and had less responsibilities, etc.  Don't get me wrong- I love my life and wouldn't want to trade it-- this all just reminds me that there's still plenty of room for people to get to know me better (and vice versa) and how it's easy to stop at the surface in lots of situations.

So I'm busy at work :)  I'm working on a binder that basically outlines what I do, for reference for anyone who wants or needs to know.  It should help (others) when I'm on vacation or get a new job or something.  It's kind of boring, but I've already written 4 pages of 'tasks' from the top of my head, so I think I'm doing fine.  I'm making references to other lists that don't exist or need to be updated, though- so I've got plenty to do.  I was commissioned to make it 'fun' (compared to a similar one used in the other half of our office in another building).  I'll look up clipart, and the font and format are still professional, but more 'fun.'  I like having a project that's all my own and gives me some creative leeway.  Reminds me of the time I made a red doghouse like Snoopy's for a window display when I was in retail.

I found Pandora (as in music, a self-proclaimed 'Music Genome Project') through a fellow tblogger.  I recommend it.  It's a sort of 'smart program' that adjusts it's 'box' so to speak, based on the feedback we give.  It's trying to play music similar to a band or song that you provide.  You can just listen as it rolls along, or give the thumbs up or down.  The catch is that you can only skip through so many songs per hour, but you can have up to 100 'stations' so that shouldn't be too much of a problem if you don't mind hopping around.  And it's free, unless you don't want ads.  yay music!

I saw the father/daughter duo again today.  She said: "You are warm, but I am your daughter."  and put her head on his shoulder.  For some reason, that struck me as rather profound, that despite everything, even if she's stuck in a humid, hot bus next to her sweating dad, she loves him enough to want to be close.  Reminded me of my grandparents.  My grandma just got back from a vacation and my grandpa was so happy to see her (I might be switching this part up) that even though she was hot and didn't want him to touch her, he couldn't help it, and she really didn't mind 'cause she loves him so much.  That's love right there- pushing aside dicomforts to be close/show you care for someone.

On a similar note, I went to The Mall in DC (a strip of land with monuments, not a shopping mall- still grates me the wrong way hearing it) yesterday afternoon, and was struck by how many big groups of people there were- whether high schoolers or families or whatnot.  There was definitely a sense of comradery going on, and I felt alone and out of place.  I proceeded to sulk for a bit until a later moment in a museum.  Because of the holiday and security issues and such, many entrances to The Mall were closed- you had to go through a security check and so it took a little longer than I expected to get to my destination- the Folk Life Festival.  When I got there, it was windy and in the 90s.  Tents were closing down, and I was confused- "it's supposed to be open 'til 9," I thought.  I wanted to see art. etc. and I was also hungry.  When I'm about 3 tents away from the Alberta food tent (hello, Ukrainian food!) I notice a dark cloud looming.  Rain doesn't scare me.  But then the police told everyone to 'seek shelter' and escorted us off The Mall, which proceeded to be closed.  The closest museum to where I was at was the National Museum of Natural History.  Awesome!!  Since there were so many of us cramming in, it took a little while, but that allowed some neighbors to finish their food, at least.  Another guy, a dad behind me, was rather annoying.  He urged his daughter to squeeze ahead as much as possible, and then wait for him.  Didn't make sense to me, but I'll give him the benefit of the doubt and guess that he didn't want her to get wet (didn't start 'til we were inside).  Once we got in, I escaped to the elevator in vain hope of getting some space (the crowds in general in DC weren't bad- not like I thought they would be, but the museum was crowded because of the evacuation).  There was already a couple there, but by the time it came, a crowd had formed.  The couple were actually the last two to get on, and if they weren't able to, I was going to say something to the people who had crowded them out- common courtesy is something I've thought about a lot lately.  So I started by seeing the Hope Diamond (pretty/shiny/blue but not as big as I'd thought).  Then I proceeded to the Minerals exhibit.  AMAZING!!  of any place to be if not at the Folk Life Festival, that would be my top choice.  minerals and rocks are so fascinating- I'd love to have a collection of them decorating my home.  and to see the signs begging: TOUCH ME... how could I resist?  There was one that had garnet infused in cylinder shapes in some sort of rock- very cool.  It was so much for my senses to handle, I didn't spend too much time on any one display or read too much about them.  I definitely have to go back (multiple times) to do so.  One quote that I read, though, that I'd like to share is: "... Atom gets trapped in the atomic structure, thus producing such a wide variety of colors, etc"  It was much more beautifully worded than that.  I tried to take a pic with my phone, but that didn't work so well.  Next time I go, I'll write it down.  It basically reminded me of oysters with their irritants (grit) and also of various people in various situations in which they have their own out-of-place atoms or grit, that sometimes turns into something so beautiful...  So as I'm shuffling through the exhibit, I get to an exit/entrance and see the elevator couple.  The guy smiles an "I acknowledge your existence" smile and I do back.  Even on a day when all I want is some sort of connection in the midst of the chaos, but can't expect it, I get it!  That brightened my mood and I was over my loneliness for the most part.  It turned into a day that I chatted with strangers- at the museum, at the food booth later on, at a bus stop late at night...  I think later on might have been 'cause I'd had some wine.  My inhibitions definitely weren't there.  I had to make myself stop talking or saying too much.  I'm grateful to live in a safe neighborhood- the main street has two polic cars side-by-side chit-chatting.  I normally feel safer when I see police, instead of thinking that they're there 'cause it's dangerous.  I was in such a friendly mood that it took some restraint to walk past them home instead of at least saying hi.  I imagined getting arrested for public intoxication- that kept me walking past.  I hadn't drunk much, though- it may have been more of a people-high.  I had a good time with friends and food.  Watching fireworks 360 from the roof was wonderful.  The main DC ones were huge and they did color schemes differently than I've seen before- having for example several red ones in a row.  There were some star-shaped ones as well.  Because of the humidity, the smoke hung in the air, so it was hard seeing those particular works, but there were smaller ones that I watched instead, so there very well could have been other-shaped works I missed.  I was also rather confused because the DC ones only lasted 20-something minutes (I believe, didn't check) while other ones seemed to last twice as long, if not more.  Wouldn't you think one of the 'top 10 places' to be for the 4th would have a longer show?  especially in the capitol of our country?  It was also different to experience because there wasn't music on the roof- and hardly any talking.  I wanted to (and did) cheer for the fireworks sometimes.  It was just so exciting and booming, how could you not?  I think it was definitely noticable that there weren't too many kids, either that, or people in general are more reserved out here?  In either case, the metro wasn't crowded badly either.  I took the rail part of the way (glad I did, too) and everyone got a seat if they wanted it.  Then the bus was free, because it was a shuttle and a holiday or something of the sort, but it stopped practically half-way through the route (only one stop from mine, but across a major road and 2.5 miles away) in a shady neighborhood, but 4 other people also got off and we waited 5 minutes or so for the bus that went further.  I met a guy who told me to avoid accounting at all costs and he seemed unfamiliar with the bus or at least the area- had no idea where he was, but he's from out-of-state, so that makes sense.  When I talked about my major, a couple I'd also talked with raised their eyebrows (they seemed to be new to this country based on their accent and clothes)- yay English.  So between sleeping in, making a nice breakfast, decorating, hanging out in the capitol and with friends and all the other adventures, all told, it was a great Independence Day.  What did you all do to celebrate?

"We'll have to begin by defining it."   "For all practical purposes, we'll have to lock people in a room in order to..."
----some great snatches from a meeting going on today

"The celebration was generally peaceful, with only a handful of arrests and no violence, Fear said."
----AP The Heat is on at July 4 Celebration in the Washington Post Express, 5 July, 2006.

'three cheers for the Red, White and Blue...'  no, it's not flag day but it may as well be.  It's basically Independence Day Eve.  I don't know about your experience, but at least at my work, more than half of the people are on vacation, and the few remaining souls keep hoping they'll get the word they can leave early (apparently someone they know got it early this morning).  Now the work day's almost over, so any hope fot that is waning.  I've spotted a few patriotic souls decked out in red-white-n-blue (myself included).  In fact, I'm wearing an obnoxious pin/necklace.  It's star-shaped with a good portion of the flag filling it.  The magic of it is that if I turn it, it'll flash red and blue.  I'm almost tempted to turn it on at night, and freak out other drivers with it.  Maybe people would drive safer then...  I'm thinking back to 3 years ago, when I worked at Mt. Rushmore.  Boy was that the summer.  It was tons of fun!  But more 'America' than the rest of my life combined.  At least in the 'let's sell anything by trying to make the customers feel patriotic' sense.  We did that by red-white-n-blue jello and pumping the shops with patriotic songs.  Luckily, I can't recall the most annoying of them at this moment.  'I'm proud to be an American, where at least I know I'm free..'  I've been trying to get a sense of what we really are or should be celebrating, but as it's hard enough staying focused on anything, I haven't done too well.  My grandpa fought in a war, but noone I know has gotten killed or too seriously injured 'defending our country' so it's just not that real to me.    I do appreciate the freedom we have.  I'd probably be dead or at least miserable if I lived in a place that had so many restrictions that other countries have.  It's so hard to not express myself, you could say.  Either that, or I like to push boundaries.  There has to be a very good reason why I can't do/say something.  There are definitely times when I'll listen to what an authority says, or be perfectly fine with rules, but other times, watch out!

Lately, it's been a great combination of familiarity and newness.  I've met some great people, like at the jazz service last night, and gotten to know others better- but at the same time, there has been this sense of, even though it's new situations and experiences than ever before, it seems familiar.  Maybe a person reminds me of someone I knew elsewhere or a combination of people.  Maybe Baltimore reminds me of other port cities or of other times when I've seen street performances...  it's an interesting combination.  There's definitely been, "what's going on?  this is totally new and somewhat difficult to process" moments, but I still can't get over how it all seems connected.  and this is coming from someone who normally tries to see those connections.

I've also learned a little bit about what happens to our brains as we age.  According to Dr. Legato in Why Men Never Remember and Women Never Forget, we start to lose the connection between the two sides of our brain.  I don't know if it's that process or some other similar one, but I guess in men, it starts in their 40s and steadily declines, while with women, it's a decade or so later, and it's more dramatic.  It has to do with (loss of) hormones, among other things.  So this brings me to the point of one of the side effects in women.  Since we depend on both sides to process what we hear (men don't as much), when we get in our 50s or later, it's much easier for us to misunderstand what's really being said.  We might miss the intonations, etc. that normally cue us in, and get more easily irritated or upset with someone when they meant no harm.  I've seen that happen, and it's just good to know how bodies work, etc. and what to expect when I get there.  I'll have to clarify more at that point to really make sure I know where the person's coming from.  Words can make all the difference, but so can connotation.  I can't tell you the number of times that I've talked with a friend who I try to 'spit back' what they've said to and they say, "No, that's not what I said/meant" only for them to explain it in their own words- the exact thing I thought I was saying.  crazy.  Makes life interesting.