*your dog/spouse/child nudges you
*the sun is brightening up your room
*you smell smoke
*your dream is about everyday life
*your alarm is blaring
*you're having a nightmare- at least you hope you're only dreaming

-We've had a great discussion going on at my church recently.  We're reviewing what we believe- or at least different concepts of what we think of ourselves- what we strive for our church environment to be (for anyone coming in, and for those already there).  It's been great- people have good insight and I like how it's going.  I haven't shared my thoughts yet, mostly 'cause the discussions have take longer than planned anyways- they don't need more length.  So I posted on the church blog instead.  Feel free to add your own thoughts/comments there.  This past Sunday was 'The church as an oasis.'  I don't know about you, but I've been to an oasis before, and the whole idea of the sun and wind and exhaustion in contrast to the relief that the oasis carries is powerful to me.  When I feel like sharing on Sunday, I will in the future- when I get past the whole time-thing and how I fit into the great-big-world.  It's one of those things that I do that normally don't turn out good- making decisions that I think are for the best, but really aren't.  Especially when it involves other people (hardly anything doesn't).  I don't know everything- I don't know a lot, and when I forget that and think I have people figured out or at least think I know what they want or what would be 'good for them,' then I really screw up.  Maybe it's a power/control thing.  Maybe I like to figure stuff out and plan and when I think I'm doing someone a favor by not bothering them with something or some decision they'll only make the way that I think they will, I'm usually not.  It back-fires.

-So all that crazy stuff that I have going on regarding control and making decisions for people and all that?  I venture to call (some of) it 'emotional blackmail,' which is also the title of a book I just picked up.  I know that I can be persuasive and generally get what I want, but I know that I'm also usually not straight-forward, which previously, I thought was just my style/preference, but now I can see can be interpretted as manipulative.  There are times when I have little to no problem saying/asking what really needs to be.  Other times, I shelter myself from rejection, etc. by passing it off to the other person.  They can choose how things should go.  They can take risks.  That's not fair.  Now, I don't think of myself as purposely weilding people under my power- I don't want to ruin anyone or even make anyone do what they don't want to (unless it's 'for their good,' but that's another blog).  It may take a while to see me visibly change, but I'm working on it.  I think the book will help, because it'll give me insight into what others see, etc.  It's actually written for people who are the 'victims,' so it is really strange for me to read.  I recognize some other people as also being the 'blackmailers,' and I know how painful that can be- how much I can detest those people and feel gypped, etc. after talking w/ them.  Usually, though- blackmailing doesn't work on me or is even attempted.  I recognize what people want or are trying to do, and choose how to respond- I hardly ever feel 'trapped' or blind-sided.  On another note, I won't just get lost in bookland.  I'm listening to what some of my friends have shared with me through the years, and I'm open to current talks.

cont'd: I thought that people were just nice to me or helpful 'cause they wanted to be.  Now I see that it could be for a number of reasons.  Some could be for their own benefit, some could actually just be nice, but others are easily persuaded.  Maybe they think I can't handle it on my own or something.  (I usually can't, if I've asked for help; I'm rather stubborn and independent and don't ask unless I really mean it).  I really don't know why I get stuck in this mode.  I automatically act the way that I do, and hardly ever notice it.  I'm not as shy or weak or nice as most people think.  I can be rather confident.  I think 'persuasiveness' is the key.  I've done rather well in retail and promotional sales.  People trust me and while that's good, it's dangerous depending on what I'm suggesting they do/buy.  That's why it's very important to me to work in a place or sell things that I strongly believe in.  I don't want to be a part of selling someone's soul, so-to-speak.  Not that spending thousands on a wardrobe is exactly doing that, but it's not a lifestyle i want to promote.  (and I worked in an outlet, so people really weren't spending all that much- but I'm all about 'reduce-reuse-recycle,' so I'd rather encourage people to shop at garage sales or Goodwill.)  So, one thing the book said about 'blackmailers' is that people feel trapped.  So, since I haven't heard from basically anyone outside of the state for a long time, and have tried to contact them, it's hard for me not to take it personally.  Do I exhaust them?  Do I make them do/feel anything they don't want to?

So I may quote the book and share more revelations as they come.  All I know is that I don't like things as they currently are and I don't want to trick anyone.  People can be the greatest.  I want to recognize what I do so I can be more honest.  I don't want to play games, but I do (play them).  I'm a little down today, and listening to The Fray.

-A lot of times, including now, I define what I want or like or just about anything by what it's not.  That's how I narrowed down majors.  That's how I debated where to live after college (well, weighing pros, too).  That's what makes me appreciate my job and circumstances even more.  I'm thinking of the stress and how exhausting, etc. that past jobs have been, and how I woldn't trade that for anything.  I want to spend two weeks in the Midwest this coming winter, and my original purpose was to spend time with family and relax, and yet I momentarily considered going back to my retail job during that time, for some spending money.  It took about two seconds to disuade myself.  I hardly ever worked more than 5 hours, and even then, I debated if it was worth (the gas/danger) driving through icy roads.  No thanks!  If I'm going to drive, it will have a better reward- friends or other awesome people's front doors.  I am so judgmental.

I've been thinking about webs lately.  some may see them as an annoyance- having to knock them out of corners of their houses.  Some may see them as entrapment- the road to death.  Others may see it as connections, as in the 'world-wide web.'  I've had experience in all of the above-mentioned.  Right now, I'm excited about the www.  I think it's so great that we can connect that way.  Whether that be with people we've 'always' known, people we've just met, or 'random' people around the world.  For me at least, it keeps me sane and grounded.  There are other people out there that can relate, or are going through tougher times.  Then there are fun sites, like Amusing Facts.  Not all the 'facts' are amusing, though.  But they made me think, and get through a slow day.  and the internet makes new things possible- for example, my dad sends me news stories from the newspaper in the small town he's moving to.  Now, he also clips articles for me and sends them by mail or I get them when I visit him, but not to the same extent.  Not multiple times a week from a newspaper they don't physically get.  Don't get me wrong- there are major problems and downfalls to the internet/computers.  For example, sarcasm and tone of voice are often misinterpreted or misunderstood.  That can be a major thing.  but as with all things, it can be worked on.  That's what smiley faces and italics and the sort are for.  I've really appreciated the use of italics and other ways of emphasizing lately.  Jane Austen did a great job using them in Emma.  I felt like I knew more dynamics, etc. of what was going on because of how she wrote.  It was more alive.

I don't want to write about the other webs at this point.  Instead, here is a cartoon from Reverend Fun that I think is rather hilarious:

Sometimes life is better than dreams.  This may be one of those times for me.  I mean, I have been having good dreams lately, don't get me wrong- but life is also rather pleasant.  Some of my highlights this weekend have included: winery/vineyard visits; hanging out w/ Amber and a friend's b-day celebration.

I'll start off w/ the wine.  The wineries did have vineyards which we saw, but did not walk through, so I suppose I should refer to it as a winery visit.  I'd never been before, and had a blast!  Only 3/5ths of us sampled at the first place.  I learned the proper way to sample.  At that point, both reds and whites were about equal in my book (I came in preferring champagne, but wanted to be open).  We had a white with lunch.  It was good company and good food and good weather- what more could I ask for?  They weren't giving tours, so we went to another place, and this time, everyone 'tasted.'  I limited mine to fruit (other than grape) and dessert wines... well, and some of Sarah's, so I guess quite the variety.  My favorite was plum, and I got a bottle.  The tour was interesting- the girl was a young teen w/ braces and it reminded me of other small-town farm-girl type stuff.  She just seemed so happy and full of life and family ties.  I could tell some of my friends were bored, but I'm sure I would be, too if I'd heard it all (multiple) times before.  Overall, it was a relaxing day, which is exactly what I'd hoped for.  And I didn't laugh much or do anything else that I thought would happen after drinking.  I swear it seemed like I had more clarity than usual at the time.  It could also be because I wasn't thinking of a million things at once.

Time w/ Amber:  I've been busier than usual lately, and haven't spent as much time w/ Amber, so it was nice hanging out this weekend.  We walked and talked and that was good.  I think I understand more where she's coming from and what she thinks and perhaps feels- hurray for good conversations and communicating!!

Yesterday, a group of us got together to celebrate our friend Jonathon's birthday.  We went to Maggiano's, which was a first time for me.  It was good Italian food not too dissimilar to The Old Spaghetti Factory or Villa D'Carlo.  I got lasagna, which i never order out, but I missed my mom's, and it hit the spot.  I ate about half.  The birthday guy also shared his Tiramisu, and that was the most chocolate-intense variety I've had.  It has the bitter- or semi-sweet thing going on, and it was a nice finish to the meal.  Villa (linked above) still serves my all-time favorite (creamy kind), but I'm satisfied that there are decent varieties here.  Buca di Beppo serves the most rum-soaked variety I've found, just fyi.  (can you tell it's my favorite food/dessert?!)  One last thing- I felt a little out-of-place at the restaurant, because it was all married couples, with one seriously-dating pair, and then two guys w/ me in the center (and one is my dad's age).  Can't say I didn't perceive some raised eyebrows.  When I got past that, it was a really good time- I love hanging out and eating!

Nothing beats a cheerful person in the morning.  Unless it is a crabby person (beating them, I mean).  All kidding aside, this Friday morning has been rather good, in part because of friendly people this morning!  It's not good for my pride, though.  It's already been stoked by various incidents recently, and needs a pinprick, not more fuel.  Attention is rather flattering, I have to admit.

For whatever reason, drama has been so appealing lately.  My theory is that it's a combination of influences and preferences.  Drama seems to have always been part of my life, and I can't say that I don't often enjoy it.  It makes life interesting and fun.  It also causes pain and confusion.  So to some extent, I'm a willing participant or even instigator of it.  On the other hand, I've been reading Emma, by Jane Austen, and that is full of more drama and love triangles than anything I've encountered in quite a while.  Again, I don't know if it's something I inherently like or what, but I'm (nearly) always cheering for people to get together, especially when they both like each other.  I cheer, or at least want to, when it gets to that point in a book or movie.  and also in real life.  At the same time, I'm not totally comfortable with it in my own life.  It's still interesting, but I'm balancing between liking not knowing exactly how things are (is he interested? what is my behavior doing to influence that?) and not wanting to play around, to get straight to the point.  I want to be fair to people and not do the unfortunately- stereotypical bad thing women do sometimes, that is, string guys along.  As one fellow blogger recently encouraged me to do, I'll work on 'snubbing' the guy/idea when he takes my smile as meaning anything more than I intend it to.  It's all so complicated!  It's hard for me to separate what I think/feel from the type of feedback and attention and such that I get.

where has time gone?  I think it got bunched up this morning.  now, i hope to post this before 5.

some random thoughts that been part of my day:

--one of the best benefits of my job is being able to chill out on a bench in a pond/shaded area and maybe even nap during lunch.  I somehow even managed to doze or at least tune out the landscapers today.  There were maybe 6 of them, laughing and talking loudly, while I read my book.  Then I started dozing off, or at least thinking about something or other, and the next thing I know, it's quiet, except for my phone buzzing a reminder to head to book club tonight.  I sat up and smiled and waved at them, and then read for a bit longer.  It is seriously one of my favorite parts of the day.  I want to enjoy it, because at some point, it will be cold, and may not be a (preferible) option.

--some co-workers were having what they termed: "connotation problems" with someone on the phone

--with last one: this particular co-worker also hung up the phone in anger.  I've done that before.  something I first did in college, almost 4 years ago.  maybe I'll address this one more tomorrow.  is there a good time to hang up?  what does it say about communication styles?  is it passing the buck? or more/less than that?

Later, all

about the dream blog from earlier today:  the dream was so striking in part because while ultimately what I decide will be my decision (redundant?), I would hope that if it's something as major as getting married, that the people closest to me would see that I'm happy/it's a good choice/etc.

Salami is really hitting the spot.

Amber has updated recently.  I particularly enjoy them, and if you do, too- leave her a message!  or even leave her one if you majorly disagree with her viewpoints/topics.  I especially enjoy today's post.

Let me preface this by saying the following was a dream:

It started out with a sort-of proposal.  Not with declarations of undying love or a romantic setting, but with something like, "I think we should get married."  Very casual.  I didn't even say, "Yes!"  It was understood that it was very likely, and I visited my family in the Midwest to break the news.  (it jumped right to that- there was no traveling, so I guess it's possible that I was already there, but it didn't feel like it)  My mom was apprehensive at best.  In other words, she didn't approve, but being the nice, quiet woman that she is, she didn't flat-out say, "I'm against this and don't want it to happen."  I was hurt.  Then, our neighbor also talked with me- but with him, it was more of a dialogue- wanting to know what I saw in the guy, where I thought things were going, etc.  He obviously also thought I could do better (or something along those lines).  While I was listening to him, I was trying to figure out his motives.  I respect him and have never disagreed with anythig we've talked about before.  He's the kind of neighbor who shovels your sidewalk for you just 'cause he's thoughtful.  Back to motives- I have dated his son before, so I wondered if he secretly wanted us to get back together (I doubted that).  The dream wrapped up at my hometown church.  There wasn't anything really going on- it was more of just seeing the sanctuary especially, from different angles.  That, and seeing a girl I grew up with whose birthday is on my half-birthday and who has red hair-- in my dream she looked eerily like her older blonde sister.  My dreams don't normally have so many 'real' people in them.  They normally contain false memories and backgrounds of people in them (people I don't know in waking life).

The dynamics of power-control have been interesting lately.  I know several people with strong and take-charge personalities, and recently, it has gotten messy and cleaned-up as a result of that.  People can really hurt each other when they are not careful/aware of others' feelings.  It is important to respect each other and err on the side of giving someone the benefit of the doubt.  Believe me, I hurt people, and have a ways to go, but I think I have a rather good idea of what people are sensitive to and when I'm stepping on toes and it's still hard to think that some people just are people-clueless.  A good example of someone being in tune with others is a co-worker and myself.  For the last two days, she's been asking me, "What's wrong?" and we've had a conversation about it- and while my world's not falling apart, no one else has said anything to me, so I don't know if others have noticed.  It's like Grace's message Sunday is walking right out into the world, except that I haven't initiated it; I'm subject to it.  She talked about being sensitive to what others are going through and talking to strangers and connecting with them.  I think it's so cool to experience another's pain, etc.  I really believe in the importance of community and sharing with each other and not carrying the weight of the world ourselves.  That's where this whole power-thing comes into play.  It's hard to trust others to do something- what if it doesn't get done or isn't done as well as you could do it?  Why bother someone else when you're perfectly capable of handling one more thing?  I don't know.  There are some burdens I don't think others should be subject to.  Maybe it's something I've brought on myself.  Maybe people already have enough to deal with.  Maybe it's my pride.  Maybe that means letting go and getting over it, and it's easier/preferible to be stuck in a sad/bad place that I'm familiar with than to go into the unknown that is a gamble (could be better/worse).

"When one door of happiness closes, another opens; but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us."  ---Helen Keller

FREEDOM!!

I am sooo happy to have this space to write on and to be able to access and all that fun stuff.  I was like guitarist with a broken string without a spare one when all the stores are closed for the day.  Well, not quite- but I've got things to express.

Where to begin... how about some thoughts on time and weather?  I can't believe I've only lived in the area for nearly 9 months, and have only gone to the church for nearly 7.  There are certainly many more places to explore and people to meet and friendships to deepen.  It's been the longest summer.  I don't know if it's 'cause it's hotter here or 'cause I haven't changed locations (like happened during college) or 'cause I'm working full-time (a regular schedule can make it all a big long day).  How long ago was spring? (maybe that's it- I don't remember a very long spring) winter?  I don't know what the deal is- if my body just doesn't adjust to hot/cold well; but I was cold yesterday when it was probably 80 at lunch.  What's going to happen when it's 40?  I'm not ready for the fall.  I want to swim.  I want to enjoy the sun.  at least for a little while longer.
It's just one of those times when I feel like I've lived too much to only be 24.  (there are other times when I feel the opposite)  Has so much really happened including traveling/moving to different states since graduating high school? nonetheless--

I've had baked goods for breakfast this week.  Sunday was a stretch- in included a frappucino, which I could and am claiming as a liquefied sort of treat.  <Certain cups of chai are much more reminiscent of something from the bakery, but frappucinos are similar to chai so by association...>  And I've also had cookies and brownies.  This is a pleasant trend in my opinion, but after reading about health lately, and basically deciding I'm far from a healthy eater, this whole idea of my breakfasts lately is slightly disturbing.  but really, is it any worse than doughnuts?

8+ hours of sleep.  Don't normally need or have it.  Did last night, in part thanks to my alarm whose clock was off by an hour this morning.  All said, I was 5 minutes late but had cereal and milk with me!!  So I think I'll use my phone as my alarm.

I like tracking people.  I sent an e-mail out to several people at work regarding a rather important matter, so I attached a 'Read Receipt' and thought it was so cool to get so many e-mail notifications that it had been.  Imagine what sort of things people would read or browse, that were labeled 'important'!!!  Not that I want to become a spammer...

Sometimes I feel like I am drunk (behind the wheel) <from Out of my Head by Fastball>
----Sometimes, I feel drunk when there's not an ounce of alcohol in me.  Not that I really know what it feels like to be drunk...  all I know is that my reserve is down sometimes, and it takes a lot to not tell people what I really think, and that's also combined with being in a hugging mood.  I hope to never know what it's like to be drunk while driving.  That's one good thing about utilizing the bus system  (just kidding).  Other times, though, it takes a lot to go beyond straight-to-the-point unfeelingness.  It may be hard to imagine me not elaborating, but it happens.  I can't pinpoint anything that causes this to happen- it just seems to from time to time.

...the wheel of possibility, however it may roll <a continuation of aforementioned Fastball song>
I will disregard what the artist(s) intended and go off on my own shpeal.  I have a lot of things associated with the concept of "possibilities."  When relaying my opinion on the probability of something happening, such as a guy ever realizing how good he has it, I often use the terms "possible" and "likely."  While it is great that there are so many 'ways the wheel may roll' so-to-speak, for someone who likes control and a rather clear picture of what the future holds, it can drive me nuts.  Especially since my brain doesn't rest.  I may be excited and know that whatever happens will be for good ultimately and how fruitless worrying is, but it still can take quite a bit to chill.  At least it's not too hard to try new things.

I don't feel well.  and this time, it's self-induced.  It's from me being so concerned about doing the right thing (not that it's crystal clear or life-or-death situations).  It's just one of those times that a nice, long drive might do me some good.  or seeing someone who I feel comfortable enough to cry with.  or writing backwards.

on another note:
6 a.m day after Christmas
I throw some clothes on in the dark
The smell of cold
Car seating is freezing
The world is sleeping
I am numb <segment from 'Brick,' by Ben Folds Five>
-----The song goes on to talk about his girl being a 'brick' that's drowning him slowly.  It's a very catchy song, and one of my favorites, even though it's so depressing.  My English 101 class dissected it, and we thought it was about abortion.  I loved that class- loved using such an intriguing plethora of resources to emphasis the points we were learning.  The classmates/teacher were so down-to-earth and honest--- it was wonderful.  Back to the song- that beginning is so bleak (lyrics I shared) with the time of morning, day, cold and seemingly noone else knowing what he's going through, and him not even able to feel it...  Who can't relate?  One of the main thing the song reminds me of is relationships where one person is dragging the other down- and so when I see that happening in real life, I think of the song.  Usually, this dragging is not intentional.  It's not like the person thinks, "_______ is so much better than me- the only way to get him/her on my level is to drag them down."  It's more of someone settling.  Their *special someone* may be a decent enough person, but also really selfish or inconsiderate or just not in a good place in their lives to decently treat someone with respect, etc.  Then again, I think people settle way too often.  Life will be difficult and maintaining sanity and another's interests will be hard, but that doesn't mean that just because you think someone has the potential of being some shadow of what you need/want, it is the only chance you'll ever have with him/her or that you should even spend one second of your existence with him/her.  Can you tell I feel strongly about this?   I say this because people are very important and I want the best for them.  Somehow, that doesn't translate all around.  I think strangers, 'everyone' is important, yet even though my friend may be the best thing that will ever happen to someone, if it's only going to break her heart, is it worth it, or even the 'best'?  And is it really any good for him if she is unconditional love and effort and he just takes it for granted-- maybe he needs someone who says, "No."

we're in the midst of Romance Awareness Month.  Now's as good a time as any to show that special someone you appreciate them.  Over time, it's easy to get lazy and assume that person knows what you don't say or show (that you love them).  I personally think the title is rather funny- I imagine people living with a sort of tunnel vision, doing their own thing, when all of a sudden, there's some sort of revelation that, "I'm married?  There's more to life than just working and coming home and collapsing?  Dating used to be fun, and now I can't remember the last time we went out..."  and I imagine the person freaking out and rediscovering all of the fun things that had been forgotten.  Either that, or some geeky student who's so involved in their papers and theories and such that they hadn't even thought of going out with someone, and all of a sudden, they realize that a good number of their friends have 'romances' going on.  So, yeah, let the sparks fly. 

Also, if you go out to eat even occasionally, you might want to consider going Tuesday, August 29th.  Restaurants nationwide are participating in Restaurants for Relief 2, a promotion where they donate a portion of their sales to Share our Strength, a program helping rebuild after Hurricane Katrina .

One-upmanship.  I've been witness to that quite often lately.  Two examples are 1) in-person, and 2) on TV.  On Saturday, I was on the busride home after being outside (that sun zaps energy in my opinion) working in a friend's yard, and so I sort of doze off, and when I come to, a guy starts talking to me about sleep deprivation.  He tells me not to stay out so late partying.  He talks about making it to 60, and I congratulate him on his birthday this month (he pointed out that since he's black, 60 is a big deal).  I also told him it was the sun that wiped me out, that I wasn't out partying... and then the guy next to me starts talking to the man, sounding like he's trying to stand up for me.  He tries to downplay the whole age thing and the 60-year-old gets visibly upset and says the 30-year-old doesn't know what he's talking about- that he can talk when he's 30... blahblahblah  All I know is that there was definitely tension between them and they were trying to put each other in their place and sound superior.  It was ridiculous.  I had forgotten that men can be catty, too.  I imagined them in the wild, clawing at each other and ripping apart.  Not pretty.  I'm glad people normally restrain themselves.  The other example was on 'Iron Chef America' last night.  Again, it was two males.  They were vicious and spiteful.  One didn't like the other's choice of words describing a dish, and it went downhill from there.

Last night, as I was going to sleep, I noticed my cell phone and alarm clocks were different times.  "Thank God!" (that I'd caught it), I thought.  So this morning, I struggled to get up, but was out the door on time, only to discover that it was dark out.  I'd expect so in winter, but it's August!!  so before proceeding any further, I checked the news on TV, and yeah, it was about 5:30!!!  I was irritated and relieved at the same time.  It was good having an extra hour to eat breakfast, relax (as opposed to running to the bus)... and it was one hundred times better, 'cause a cheerful lady at church was reporting.  It is so good spending the morning with someone!!  Even when it's only some electronic device that puts us in the same room.

I'm not a teenager anymore.  Haven't been for years, but it really hit me today.  A co-worker offered me tickets to a Teddy Geiger concert, and after hearing a clip on myspace, I took her up.  Then I did a little research, and found out he's 17.  Not that I thought he was hot or anything, or that he can't possibly be talented because of his age, but that makes me think that I'll be one of the 'old people' there, with the mean age being 13.  We'll see.  I'm planning on having a good time .  I may have an extra ticket- anyone want to come with?

The Far Side is hilarious.  I haven't had enough sarcasm or that type of humor in my life lately.

YAY for tblog tech!!  (and boo for other unmentioneds).  while I haven't mastered the 'e-mail your update' thing, at least they got back to me the same day about it!  And it was a real person who wrote- unless the automated system does a realistic, personal-sounding job.  So that's good news.  Also, everyone seems to be in love with Toki, my new lizard friend from Natala and Matt from 10 Thousand Villages.  Grown adults actually pet him.  'Toki' means a 'time of opportunity' in Japanese.  He'll sleep in a drawer at night, lest he be kidnapped and because lizards like dark places, right?

It feels like Wisconsin today.  It's wet and breezy and cool.  What a nice break from the heat!!

my random thought: "If you're not a sprinter, does that make you a long-distance runner?"  This was thought as I was hurrying back to work, running a little late from lunch.  I was thinking of more than endurance and strength and speed- I was also thinking of what type of life-athletes we are.

I seem to be in some type of flow/wave lately, and that's pretty cool.  I may be washed up on shore soon, or may be pulled out by a strong current, but in the meantime, it's nice to kind of be OK with how thigs are going and in a way anticipate what's happening.  Not that I know it all, but I'm freaking out less and having more 'deja vu' experiences lately.

Hurray!!  I may be able to sleep in an extra 20 minutes if I take a different route to work (I did this morning ).  And that 20 minutes can make a big difference .

If this is nearly the same as another post, I apologize (and I'll delete one once I see that).  I tried a new tblog thing- e-mailed a new post, but as of yet, it hasn't shown up.  and I didn't make a copy, so that's sad.  I can see no advantage of e-mailing vs. posting a blog the traditional way as of yet.  At least for myself.  If I used e-mail via cell phone or other wireless devices, I could see that maybe being an advantage...

My birthday ended up great!  I couldn't ask for a better time with some of the best people in the world.  If not the best, at least among my favorites.

I may be moving again, and that may be soon.  Moving perhaps to even the same zipcode- no plans of going great distances, but moving nonetheless.  The main factor is Amber has had it (mostly with bugs) with our current place.  We're considering a 4-bedroom townhouse (with two other women, one of whom I nominally know).  I just feel rushed and pressured about it and it doesn't seem like a better deal than the current one.  But I haven't seen it, and I was told it's beautiful, so maybe that matters.  I would love to live closer to church and work (it's not)... I need a roommate regardless.  In hopes of balancing my negativity: Here is a website that compares all sorts of statistics on communities across the U.S.: Sperling's Best Places There is a ton of info, so I just basically browsed, but 'cost of living' and 'demographics' piqued my interest.  Also, air quality.  I wonder what places have good air quality?  One place I've lived was a 2 (with 100 being excellent) and the best I've found so far was 51 (in Florida).  I can't believe that going out for 'fresh air' could actually be more dangerous or unhealthy than staying inside.
-courtesy of: http://frames.free.fr/dumbo.htm" title="http://frames.free.fr/dumbo.htm" target="_blank"http://frames.free.fr/dumbo.h...

Sometimes you (I) need a shove, including at this very point in my life :)  I don't feel quiet the same way as Dumbo is expressing, at least not to that degree.  I do see great possibilities before me.  and I do have great, encouraging friends that very well may give me the push I need.  I used to think those crows were obnoxious, and they were well could be, as well as troublemakers, but does it matter when the results are someone finding his/her potential and flying, so to speak?  I think it's beautiful to think of someone who is using what was previously mocked or brought them shame to then astonish them all.  I don't mean it in a showy sense- I mean to point out that we (myself included) often focus on the negative or limitations instead of possibilities, so when reality sets in and risks are taken and hope is in action, it can be a beautiful thing.  I think Timothy the Mouse is great, too.  He saw a big picture.  He saw what Dumbo dared not to dream, and encouraged him along the way.  I know some 'mice' like that.  How wonderful!!

a 24-hour party was a good idea in theory...  Well, not exactly party, but more of a celebration.  It started off good- I'd slept 2ish hours before hearing someone call 'honey,' in conjunction with my birthday surprise.  Can't say I could go back to sleep after that.  So when Amber had to sleep soon (originally, we were going to hang out at midnight) I went to her half-expecting to see a person.  I mean, there was a person.  Amber is very much one.  And she had a bag full of goodies for me :) :)  She's very thoughtful and gave some fun and some practical things (like a butterfly (mini stuffed animal) bookmark and water bottle and red roses that light up...)  So, Amber went to sleep, and I began the 24 hours.  I sorted and washed dishes for an hour, and then started organizing my files (aka some folders and a bunch of lose papers and misc. things).  To my great joy, my MIA USB drive was there!!  I thought I'd left it at a library months ago, and already today I've saved things to it.  (USB drives can be compared to floppy disks or CDs, etc.- you can save files, etc onto it and open them on other computers.  they tend to hold a lot more info, too.)  I drank milk the first hour and apple juice the second.  I played sudoku.  Around 2:30 I thought, "A 20-something minute nap sounds good."  That turned into restless sleep, with the nearly-constant 'snoozing' of the cell phone going on.  The last thing I remember is a message on my phone to the effect of 'maximum alloted time to SNOOZE has been reached,' to which I asked, "So?" and proceeded to sleep until 6:03 (the time I normally am walking out the door.  What happened to those 3 hours in which I could have made great progress on cleaning or eaten more of my (symbolic) party food?  Thank God I woke up then.  I threw on a dress and grabbed a couple of purses and some food and ran out the door, but missed the bus.  I ended up being a little late.  So much for doing my hair this morning...  I'm slightly bummed that I'm missing out on some of my food-memories, like egg whites.  I didn't have time to stop at the store and pick up a few things on the way, so I'm compromising, and will represent and think of my past 24 years in one form or other. 

I'm very happy and in a good mood and all that today.  I have an interesting (if nothing else like unhealthy),  co nnection with food.  I love it and associate just about everything (including memories) with it.  You'll often hear me ask, "Was that when we tried that cheesecake?" or something of the sort.  I have some sort of fear about not having enough to eat, even though we probably don't need to grocery shop for a while (except for variety).  When I was a newborn, though, I went into a stubborn or anti-food phase.  I wouldn't drink milk- just water and apple juice, and I lost weight (not good at that age) but that's about the only time I haven't thrived on food.  Coherent thoughts...  My original focus in this 24-hour celebration (at least as far as food goes) was to reflect on the years that have passed.  While I am still doing that, a number of things have come together to show me the importance of looking to the future.  'The future' to me has mostly been an obscure concept.  About the only solid things that I've anticipated were graduating high school and college, getting married, and having kids.  Nothing else was all that important to me.  I will reflect on the future a bit more today, and may share some revelations/refelections, etc as they come.

For now, I'll leave off with a food story.  As a small kid, I used to love hard salami, especially tearing it so it was a springy, wide 'string.'  Then my brother and I would pretend it was a fishing line and we were fish.  I'm all for playing with your food.  :)

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Haven't spent too much time thinking about the future (today).  The hours have just flown by.  One of my highlights today was when a good friend called up and started singing Happy Birthday to me.  To me, that shows that she's comfortable enough around me to not have those walls of self-consciousness up, and that rocks!!

I miss my dad.  I didn't realize it until today.  I normally call home once or twice a week, and he and my mom have been celebrating their 25th anniversary where they'd originally honeymooned.  They've been 'out West,' in the Grand Tetons and visiting my mom's sister and her family.  They were only gone one week, but there have been times I've wanted to call, but knew they weren't home (don't have cell phones) and when I e-mailed my dad this morning, and saw that he'd done the same at the same time, I teared up.  There's something special to me of two people thinking about each other at the same time.  It doesn't matter if they're calling each other, e-mailing, writing or just thinking.  It's such a nice connection.

Never before have mine eyes beheld such a wonderous feast as that unadorned finger...
- inspired by Sense and Sensibility
I'm being silly.  My mind is filled with the writing style, etc. of Jane Austen, who also wrote Pride and Prejudice.  I very much enjoy the book, and all the drama it entails.  I'll finish it today.  It is sad, though- the sister that I relate with more seems to be getting a raw deal.  I can see how the guy she was crazy about isn't good for her, and how it's clear that she's better without him, but I can also feel her pain.  I was cheering for her sister to get together with a certain guy, but she didn't.  I'm not sure about my opinion on persistent men- after finishing the book and pondering a bit more, I'll share.  Currently: it doesn't seem fair, and it also seems creepy that some guys just don't give up, but then (at least in books) there's some kind of revelation and he ends up getting the girl (but was it worth it?). 

There must be a reason why I haven't heard much from my guy friends.  Don't know what that is, and it's somewhat sad, but it's better than having emotional ties where there should be none.  It's so hard not to take things personally, though.

Jazz was wonderful again.  I still don't know what exactly it is, but I felt like a much deeper part of me was touched unlike normal.
I'm almost completely better.  I've got a bit of a headcold going on, but I think even by the end of the day, I'll be as ready/right as rain or good as new or prickly as a porcupine.

I feel better today.  There are still symptoms, like my eyes feel like they're swollen, and my ears feel plugged, but my throat is much better :)  I've gargled with cayenne (while I can eat just about anything for breakfast, the sugary cereal followed by the cayenne was indeed a strange combination).

People can be less-composed sometimes (for lack of a better term).  The instances that I'm referring to take place on the bus (to illustrate men) and in the office (to illustrate women).  Storytime: It's a hot day.  100+, humid, icky- you get the point.  I catch a bus and attempt to make my way to the back, where I find a seat (after someone moves their feet...).  This is the same busride that is made less scary by talking with a Romanian woman.  There is a group of friends in back who talk about shooting people, other violence, etc.  I tune them out and concentrate on my book or other conversation and do not react to what they say.  One guy kiddy-corner from me eats and drinks (prohibited) and I swear he holds it out in front of me multiple times, like I'm a teacher or someone that he's defying.  I get uncomfortable with loud people, and these guys were.  At some point, one of them talks about a girl on the bus (these 'men' look to be teenagers).  So the other guys stand up or stretch or whatever they can to try to get  a look at her.  Does that really happen?  Did I make that up?  I'm rarely let into the guy's world like that.  The last time was basically high school (where for some reason, I was talked to like 'one of the guys').  Later on, that girl came and sat in back with them, and some expressed disappointment (don't know why) over that being who they were trying to see.  At least when she came, they shut up and were less of jerks.  Part 2:  Not as extreme, in my opinion.  There have been some meetings going on that have included some very attractive young men in my office.  One co-worker was overly excited about that, wanting to know one guy's name and trying to tell me to ask for his number.  Another thinks that's nuts and that they're just people, who cares?  Me?  I'm happy to meet new people and have the office less-quiet.  There was a big focus on whether the guys had on wedding rings.  I'm glad there's that respect there.  It makes me think of when there's not, or when people pursue others when they're not available or interested.  or when they encourage it but shouldn't.  Can't we be satisfied with one person?

This is a point in my life where I feel settled.  Not completely- wouldn't be comfortable with that.  But I've found my place in the world, so to speak, at least for today.  I'm not at that place when I'd been here for a month or two and was struggling to find a job and friends and any sense of community or friendship or whatnot.  In fact, it seems more like a nightmare- something I know that I experienced not too long ago, but because of things going rather well now, it's natural to think this is how they should be or always have been.  Then I browsed some NCU buddies on myspace, and the ones I found were in different parts of the country and in different relationships than how I knew them back then.  There are pregnant women.  None that I was friends with, but to see big bellies and ultrasounds and everything of my peers is rather cool/strange.  I think pregnant women are beautiful- always have.  and some maternity clothes are pretty cute, too.  I'm so goofy sometimes.  I'm not in a rush.  Of course I'd like to see snapshots of the future, and sometimes I do wish we could skip ahead, but at least as far kids go, I look forward to spending time with my husband (Lord-willingly) before they come along.

on another note, I plan on celebrating 24 years for 24 hours 8-8.  I've been thinking of what I can eat or drink a little of each hour, but honestly, nothing sounds good.  If I took a shot, I would both be a) dead by the end of the day and b) be drunk at work and drinking on the job.  None of that sounds too appealing.  Even my beloved tiramisu sounds like too much to even eat throughout a day.  Maybe I'll vary it up and make each bite/drink represent that year of life, like at midnight would be milk, sometime around noon would be a swiss cake roll...  I wish I had a jet or time portal or something, and could visit all of my friends and family that day.  Any day, actually.

Below, I may share about some medical things I've read about lately.  May not.  I want to be able to share useful info.  I'm not feeling well.  Don't know why.  It may have to do with a creepy/psycho encounter yesterday or from the intense heat/humidity or from having such a wonderful dream that my waking world (at least today)will never compare to. (It makes me think of the line in Moulin Rouge: "The greatest thing in life is to love, and to be loved in return.")...  I want to have a good attitude and be all smiles, but I also want to take a nap with Vix on my throat (I'm a big fan :)).  When I got to work this morning (way before I had to be) I laid down for 20 minutes on a bench outside.  Maybe I'll do the same during lunch?  I've read about heat exhaustion and heat stroke, and the newscasters have attriubted some of the recent violence in the area to the heat.  I guess it (hyperthermia) can make you hostile.  On a more positive note, the Montgomery County Fire and Service people took good care of people at at least one bus station yesterday.  They gave out bottled water.  It always makes me smile when people or groups do something for others that's not expected or required. :) :)

the main medical things I've read about lately are numerous things having to do with the heart; acid reflux and heat exhaustion.  There are definitely some interesting facts out there.  All I'll say for now is to be reasonsable.  Move around/ work out, but don't be stupid.  Don't push yourself to the point of collapsing or dehydration.  Take it one step at a time.  and drink water or some isotonic drink.  Coffee, tea and alcohol are all bad ideas when it's hot out.

In other exciting news, I had a great time talking with a good friend the other night.  It reminded me of how important friendships are and the kind of influence we can have on each other.

Below is a rather thorough list of particular foods that I enjoy at area restaurants.  Some are part of chains (maybe all) but that's OK- because I want other people to enjoy them (or me when I'm elsewhere).  I've included links and hope that you can experience some of these fine places, or at least know where I've enjoyed going.  Some places are pricey.  I only usually get one thing, and with water, so I haven't broken the bank- but if you ask, I can give you a ballpark figure, or call the places and find out what they charge.  Today's been going at a good pace so far.

Crab cake sandwich (moist and spicey): Ri-Ra('s)

Brownie (fudgey, huge): Hard Time's Cafe

Burritos (fajita variety; massive):  Chipotle (interesting/confus ing site)

Hot sauce (seemingly 100s): California Tortilla  (currently a special on Wednesdays in August- tomorrow, free cupcakes)

Service (great environment and food, too):  McGinty's

Meat (chopped pork/rib tips):  Famous Dave's  (Don't know how I managed to not eat there 'til moving out here!)

Tiramisu:  La Madeleine and Vacarro's

Chai Latte:  Caribou Coffee

Milk/Black Bubble Tea:  Ten Ren's Tea Time, Inc

Sourdough Bread:  Shoppers

Fresh Vegetables:  Cafe Deluxe

Yumminess (free soft pretzels; perfectly seasoned food): The Capital Grill

Free Wine, Cheese and Dessert (and the most amazing jazz I've ever heard):  The Church in Bethesda, first Sunday night of each month