This is what I found abandoned in a conference room this morning.  It is so intriguing to me!  There are so many ways to interpret it, and so many ironies involved!  Instead of considering them, I'll move on...

Yesterday, I went shoe-shopping while buying time (pun intended) before class.  There was no more planning that I could do, and I'm in the market for boots.  Apparently, though, the size of the store I was in did not mean that they sell waterproof, warm, and cute boots- not even minus the cute!  There were tons of stylish boots, but how practical is it to go through a wet winter in fabric that'll get ruined?  It's a good thing I was in that mindset, because I was also enticed by some pretty cute shoes.  but before I puff up my ego more...

a smile can be the simplest and hardest and most rewarding thing to share.

some thought leftovers from yesterday:
*people aren't as alike as I thought!  I often notice things that show the similarities across broad bands- but then there are moments when someone says something I think is bizarre or at least shows a stark contrast to another person.  When the most recent instance of this occured, I initially thought it may be a values issue, and then an interest issue.  Maybe one person likes to hear the nitty-gritty, while the other could care less.  That's not quite it- and other explanations I've come up with also don't fit... so I'm not sure what it is, but people sure are complicated!

*I get grossed out by meat sometimes, especially if I actually think of it as (once being) an animal.  Then, yesterday, I was thoroughly enjoying ribs (while thinking about this).  You would think a rib would be even a bigger trigger for such disgust, but no...  Maybe if I'd grilled or otherwise prepared the ribs myself, I'd feel that way.

*Sometimes people express concern that I short-change myself, but what if I short-change others?  I'm sure that I do.  Maybe that's a name for what I do when I make decisions for others- not giving them an opportunity or maybe even the benefit of the doubt?  that's depressing.  I'll try to be aware of and not do that.

*Europeans have the right idea about walking after dinner (or any large meal).  It's better than it just sitting there, and it's a good way to socialize. 

*It's the start of the closed-toe (shoe) season.  They can be so confining!  The 40- and 50-something weather in the mornings has been great, though.  It's refreshing and may even help bring clarity of mind!

Class was OK last night.  It was really frustrating at some point- as in everyone was talking amongst themselves- not asking me questions or paying attention or 'getting it.'  The students learned something at some point during the class, or at least I hope.  and it ended up fine...  a 'Classroom Management' class would probably be good.  We've all got to start somewhere.

I'm so glad it's Tuesday!  What does that mean?  It's nice having a fresh start every day.  A co-worker said something about the optimism of youth, but I hope to stay optimistic.  There is a pessimist and other characters in me as well, but I don't ever want to let the optimist get suffocated or stifled for too long.

*took a shower
*caught 5 buses
*shopped at 2 stores
*had a short conversation
*ate a partial breakfast
*all before 8 a.m.!

While I'm not always ready for mornings, like at 5:05 when I woke up before the alarm, hoping it was only 3, it sure does feel good to get a lot lot done during that time.  We're having an office party today- someone is moving to a new department (but in the same suite)- so I picked up some soda on the way.  The first place I went only had obscure flavors left, and while I personally don't mind, since I don't drink soda, i'm bringing it for others- so I left empty-handed, and went on my merry way.  Well, it wasn't quite merry, 'cause I was worried that I wouldn't have enough time to go another place, depending on the buses, etc... but then a few minutes later, a bus stops by.  it's kind of like when other things that don't pertain to you are going on and you tune them out.  It wasn't 'my bus' (there are 3 that I'm familiar w/ that pick me up at that location and get me to work), but I looked at the destination, and it's in the right direction.  I could pick up another bus from there!  So I hopped on (only one other passenger), and felt the warmth and had one of the best rides ever!  At first, it went directly towards the Metro destination.  I was impressed!  Then, it turned, and wound around obscure, wonderful streets.  (btw, there weren't any route maps on this bus)  It wound, and wound, and I loved looking at the unique houses and landscapes, and thinking how the places look lived-in, and wondering what sort of lives the occupants live.  I also enjoyed a 'Bumps Ahead' sign (photo courtesy stockphoto.  It seemed quite appropriate- both in the physical bumps and those more psychological.
So as my journey continued, I realized we had gone way past the Metro, and were going in some sort of wide circle- I recognized some landmarks, and got off near a major road that my more familiar buses come by.  I was able to pick up some soda and even take the most convenient bus to work.

This weekend will be fun!!   Tonight, I'm meeting with one of my favorite people, to do some planning and also just hanging out.  Tomorrow includes hiking and meeting some new people and a picnic-style lunch and a really great guy...  So, hope you all have a great weekend!

How could I not have update yet today?  How bizarre.  and now my computer-time is wrapping up!  As I snack on an apple, I'm brought to past orchards I've visited, and fallen leaves and hot apple cider and cold hands.  A smile is also broughten to my face.  Between bites, I say farewell to some sweet visitors.  Last time, I shared some homemade treats with them, and they commented about there being none this time around, and I said it's their turn, and probably blushed... he says they'll bring some next time.  It's been a day of smiles.  One of my smiling moments was caught by a co-worker earlier.  I was reading an e-mail, and the next thing I knew, this lady was reading me like a book.  Must have been a big smile plastered on my face, while my eyes were focused on the screen, or something like that.  <how sweet... another co-worker just stopped by and wants to make sure I can bring the soda to work tomorrow w/o killing my arms... why is God so good?  He sure can watch out for us.>

I met another teacher (my Thursday-counterpart) for lunch on a the main campus of my company- what an experience!  It's beautiful- I just wanted to walk around there for the rest of the afternoon!  But since it's part of the government, my vehicle was inspected, and me also, and questioned... I'm glad that my job is much more low-key than that.  This morning I was just thinking how cool it was that people w/ their PhDs want me to address them by their first names- I'm not their colleague by any means.  I've really appreciated down-to-earth people lately.

What's w/ the indecisiveness?  I irritate myself.  There are some things that I'm sure about- and go after, but other times, nothing really stands out.  I'm thinking specifically about choosing a restaurant.  I wonder why I've been restless?  I'm not feeling that way now.  More calm, maybe even collected .  Maybe Amber's right.  maybe I like drama so much that if I'm not experiencing it, I create it (even in my mind).  Except it's more of expecting than liking.  I'm not used to things going smoothly- there has to be something wrong, it seems (otherwise I'm just fooling myself).

It's nice and windy out today.  I like the wind every day.  The only time I can remember not liking it was when the temperature was below zero, and the 'wind chill' even more so.  The wind is especially fun while wearing a long skirt! (which I happen to be wearing today).

I wonder how much can be explained away, like it's biological.  What I'm thinking about it is me crying and hormones.  I'm sitting here, listening to Coldplay's 'Trouble,' and while I'm not crying, I'm contemplative and calm, which is unusual for being at work.  Maybe I'm not fully awake .

I've been writing "I" way too much lately.

Fall starts Friday-into Saturday EST.  as in approx. 12:04a.m.!  At least, that's when the 'autumnal equinox' is.  I guess it's too late to pull together a 'goodbye summer' party...

My blog entries have been short lately.  Brace yourself for a massive one today!

Some (including myself) may say that I analyze things to death.  I've got to process my surroundings one way or another.  Some say, "Just breathe.  Calm down."  That's hard to do.  I've been stopping the madness lately, allowing quiet times where I'm not listening to music or working on something or keeping as busy as usual.  I've even stopped my mind from thinking about more than two things at once!

My perspective on things/my boxes have been challenged and stretched, maybe even broken lately.  At least there are holes in them.  When I meet someone, I categorize them.  Not at that exact moment, but later on, when I'm processing our conversation and trying to make sense of them.  In some ways, all sorts of people have some thing in common, but in other ways, every person is different.  (is that a wishy-washy statement or what?!)  In some ways, I adjust to change quickly (like adjusting to different time zones), but as far as new ideas?  I don't know if it's stubbornness or self-righteousness or fear, but it's sure hard to do!  One major thing I've been thinking about lately has been dating.  I can't seem to help thinking about and analyzing it.  I want to chill out and try to not make everything into a science.  Not everything can be dissected and put into formulas.  Even now, I'm wondering how much I should share or work out here.  But who knows?  Maybe it'll be somewhat interesting or useful to someone.

I internalize and personalize just about everything.  I often think, "How does this apply to me?"  I also have a hard time reconciling differences with how things are and how they've been.  I see that just 'cause things happened a certain way before doesn't mean that was the best way to go about it or anything of the sort.  Sometimes it feels like I've lived several lifetimes.  It can be so fun to try new things and meet new people and go on adventures...  Maybe I need to learn that I can't know everything, and it can't all be explained.  I probably don't want to know everything either.

so I guess this isn't nearly long as I thought it would be.  I'll add more later if I feel inspired to- for now, I'll just move on to subdivision news:

Saturday night/early Sunday morning (didn't look at clock), I was woken up by search helicopters.  They shone floodlights all around the area, over and over again.  It seemed like they were searching for someone.  I was tempted to go outside, but didn't see what good that would do (plus, I  really wanted to sleep!).  I heard some men at some point, but that very well could have been the neighbors.  I planned on watching the news in the morning, but was so tired, I just got up enough time to get ready for the day.  Then Sunday evening, Amber said something about a television station van/camera, etc. being set up down the street.  We went past there on our walk.  A small crowd had gathered, mostly kids under 8.  The tidbits that the reporter shared revealed that a high school junior had been allegedly raped the night before, and the suspect(s) had yet to be found.  Recently, I had thought about how quiet and safe our neighborhood is- how it's nice to feel OK walking home from the bus late at night.  Not that I do that all the time, but I don't always want to drive or have to get picked up.  and Amber's great, but if she's already sleeping or whatever, I'd hate to wake her for such a small thing.  or is it that small of a thing if it means peace of mind knowing I'd most likely make it home safely if she picked me up?  It's really frustrating.  and I sound insensitive- I think it's awful that a young lady got raped.  how disgusting.  I wish it didn't happen.  I don't mean to only apply it to how it affects me.  At the same time, I think we can learn a lot from each other, and I want to be aware of my surroundings.  I also think it sucks that I shouldn't even mention the particulars of the media that was there.  I'd like to link to the story, but with how crazy things can be, I don't want to put myself or anyone else in a potential stalker/dangerous situation.  It was nice when my job was walking distance from campus and I had great friends that would walk with me.  I no longer am in school or in that city- totally different situation.  I wouldn't trade for it now.  I am happy where I'm at on multiple levels.

I'm feeling nostalgic with a dash of a few other things.  I've been thinking of my hometown, and how I'm excited to visit there again in a few weeks.  I got to thinking about seeing a concert while I'm there, mostly 'cause it's the same band playing where I live now, for about half the cost.  Then I thought, "Who would I go with?"  This led to my conclusion that I have one friend out there, maybe two.  The rest of the people that I've visited have been ex-boyfriends.  That sounds rather pathetic to me.  When I lived there, I was involved in the church, and worked and all that, but only really hung out with my family outside of that.  Now, I can count the # of exes on one hand- it's not like a nightmare of everywhere I turn, there's someone I've dated- but there still seems like something wrong with the world (or at least me) since I can only think of two people in my hometown (of all places!) to see a concert with (and they're both probably working that night...).  I'm not opposed to going by myself, but it seems rather reclusive.  I'll be in town for a short time, so I want to maximize that.

I think some people are in our lives, even for very brief moments, to show us something.  For me, this morning, I think it was to see that God provides for me.  I was cold, even while dressed warmly, and then someone sat next to me (on the bus) and warmed me up!  That made my morning one hundred times better.  It's funny how the little things can make the biggest difference!

stories!  that's what I was originally going to write about today, before writing an unrelated post that got lost in cyberland.

First one:  This took place around freshman year of college.  I was 'up north,' camping w/ my then-boyfriend's extended family.  That was a big draw for me- being accepting like one of their own.  One night, they were playing this board game that they'd created, and right in the middle of it, I started crying, but wouldn't talk about it, so just left.  It was a combination of my pride and the overwhelming feeling from the family being so close and having so deep of connections- it was too much.  So there's not much more to that story.  I just think it illustrates one of the classic ways I've 'dealt.'  You could call it 'turtle mode.'

Maybe I'm trying too hard, but I can't think of any funny stories.  I have fun all the time, and that includes w/ other people (as opposed to solely in my imagination).
There is a group moving into the office across the hall (we're the only two offices on this floor), and they've been tearing it apart and pulling it together for a few months now.  Today, they were especially productive, or at least moved several large pieces.  I just returned to my desk a short while ago, and someone placed a conference-room chair near our entrance, and left.  It looked like a peace-offering, and it made me smile.  Now there are two other chairs with it.  They look the chairs here, so I wonder if they borrowed them?  I would hope that if they had, and are returning them, that someone would come in and say something, instead of leaving it on the 'front porch.'  Seems like the polite thing to do!

I want to write a formula.  Boundaries and calculations and numbers are comforting.  I've been thinking about habits and how things tend to naturally progress, but in some ways don't.  Sometimes I feel so old and like a dog who's forgotten its old tricks.  Except that I'm not old, and it's hard to believe what (auto-pilot) zones I get into.  That, and I'm not a dog, and it's more like riding a bike than doing something in response to a command.  It's probably the shy/scared part of me that's freaking out and closing up and being more tense than I want to be.  With walls up, I may be protected from the cold and hail, but I also can't feel the sunshine or wind...

I feel challenged.  In a sort-of threatening way.  Not in a physical way.  but that doesn't make it less real.  Now, before you start freaking out, a) I am OK and b) I'm not wording this carefully enough- it's coming out more dramatically than I intend.  The challenge that I'm feeling is to be more precise in my words, more daring in my life-choices, and to have more faith.  so vague...  I'm going through a time where I have a lot of questions and am being contemplative, yet feel like I've got power, or at least access to power- so it's quite the combination!  I won't go so far as I feel unstoppable but pretty much.    Maybe it's the tall heels.

I had a blast this weekend!  Fun date, relaxing Sunday- what more could I ask for?!

"I dare you to move..." <'Dare You to Move,' by Switchfoot>
"..go the distance..." <'Go the Distance,' by Michael Bolton>
"you've got to keep on moving" <'Break My Stride,' possibly Blue Lagoon>

I am too easily won over.  I am quick to judge, but usually, I give people the benefit of the doubt.  The example that sticks out the most to me is a co-worker.  She seems like a total fake- speaking in baby-talk to other women, yet complaining in the next breath... I can't pinpoint it exactly, but there's just something about her that grates me.  And then she offers me a piece of cake, exclaiming "I always have to give you the first piece!"  I don't even have to go to the kitchen for it.  I thought guys were more driven by their stomachs.  Then, I feel wishy-washy for changing my opinion of her.  How can anyone apparently so considerate be as two-sided as I sometimes detect?  But you know what?  What does my opinion matter?  I like to think that I know people, even parts they don't overtly share.  If she were running for some office, I could cast my vote, but other than that, what does it really matter?  Who cares if I 'accurately' define or perceive the 'real' her?  On the other hand, the things that bother me the most in other people are usually things I don't like in myself.

All I've got is attitude, to offer you.
--lyrics to the song called 'My Mood,' a parody of more joyful alternatives.

I don't know why I'm grouchy.  Could be 'cause it's mid-afternoon, and I just want to move onto the next thing, namely, leaving work.  I'm probably nervous, and as can be seen by recent posts, thinking of where I fit into the wide scheme of things.

I'm antsy.  It's about time for a vacation, to see family.  That's in 4 weeks.  That seem like an eternity.  Maybe I'll get some things straightened out here first, or Christmas shop, and bring the presents early.  Giving presents is not my strong point.

I want everything.
do I want disease and to hurt and all that entails?
I want everything that's not painful.
do I want things?
I want some things, but also to support causes.
if I want something, do I have to become it? do I become a librarian because I love libraries?  do I help raise support (monetarily and otherwise) to keep them going?
I want everything I can do something about.
how much responsibility do I take on myself, and what do I ask of others?
I want to be able to do something.
what does that look like?  what do I want?  what's worth the time?  what's worth the effort?  what will do any good?  even if I could have everything, would I want it?  could I handle it?  should I?

A rhythmic tempo starts up- a steady bang.  Soon, strings and air and fingers and lungs all work together to form something beautiful.  It is as if all the hearts are beating together.  Not the lungs, though.  There are glances exchanged between rotating players as the song evolves.  They keep together as the beat ebbs and flows.  A dancer seemingly appears from nowhere and glides amongst the musicians and all over the room.  He has found his center within him and everything emanates from there.  More and more people appear, and I can't tell whether they are just joining in, or if I just hadn't noticed them before.  It is beautiful.  Everyone has a place, and everyone has a turn to shine.  While this is happening, the other people support the star and everything they do only adds, never takes away from the general song and the particular solo.  I can't help but be overwhelmed and think, "This is how life should be."  I also wonder what my part is.

great times were had last night- good book discussion, etc.  By the time I made it to the bus, though, it was after 10:30, a time that I'm usually asleep or close to it.  Nonetheless, big deal, right?  I was one of those annoying commuters, talking on my cell phone.  I waited 'til the first trip was half-way there, and spoke quietly, etc.  That second bus was an uncomfortable one.  I still talked on the phone (it was a sort-of business call, so I didn't feel too bad)... and a couple of rowdy guys got on.  I think they were drunk.  Loud and obnoxious.  two of my least favorite traits that can be found in a person, and there were two people like that.  Others chuckled or at least found some humor in what they blabbed about.  I did not make eye contact or listen to them.  I tried to focus on the phone conversation.  hard to do.  at some point, a fight broke out.  not sure if those guys started it or not, but they were part of it, and people were holding the two involved back, and the driver stopped the bus and the county police came.  it seemed like the longest trip ever.  even when we were moving, it felt like 5 mph!  it wasn't the scariest trip, though, 'cause my friend stayed on the line- even 'walked home' with me.  Overall, public transportation is worth it.  I'm just grateful to have not gotten caught up in the fight.