N,

I'll skip the formalities and also the anger and just ask you some simple questions (and give some advice).

If you want the support of me, her friend, you already have it.  If you want me to think you care about her and will intend no harm, I'll hold you to it.  If you want me to like you personally or echo her high approval of you, you need to give me a break.  My opinion regarding you is of much less value than hers.  Nonetheless, you don't want to mess with me.  And I want to like you.  And while I'm strange, you're not marrying me- so you don't need to invest all that much into getting to know me.  Who knows?  I may even help you get to know her better even if it's just sharing what she and I had or experienced before you.  I want to be on your team.  Won't you at least let me try out?

Sincerely,
E

*Wearing what I'm comfortable in & currently own.
*Flexible & interesting co-workers.
*Full-time hours w/ benefits.
*An environment that doesn't lead to high blood pressure or anger-management problems.
*In the DC-area.

The above are some of the basics I'm looking for in a new job.  My (current) contract here has been extended through December. :)  I've been working through a temp agency at this particular location for 9 months (w/in a week from now).  I could continue to work for the temp agency, but probably will not.  I don't want to hop around- and am ready to settle a little.  Ideally, I'll have a job lined up to start in January.  I'm open to suggestions.

You are not M.  Well, not more than one of you are to me, at least.  And when the phone rang, so you could say, it was not M calling.  I have a feeling that it will continue to be an interesting day.  This may or may not have to do with the lack of sleep I achieved last night.  I was wired- what can I say?  My mind wouldn't settle.  Do you ever get so wrapped up in something or someone that it occupies your whole existence?  or at least keeps you awake...  But I feel great today- more like I slept a full night than anything else.  I'm very peaceful but have also had some caffeine.  I tried a Caribou Coffee Chocolate Mocha granola bar this morning.  Fabulous!!  I'm not a 'coffee' person- and the combination of all the sugary goodness w/ it took away the bitterness and gave me a decent breakfast-snack.  That, and I'm working at a hot chocolate as well.  This is from my boss-figure, who is also one of the surrogate-mother figures in my life.  I want to keep working here!  I'll talk w/ her again, but last time, it really seemed like mid-November is as long as they can keep me.  Which has been stressing me.  I enjoy the people I work with and the environment and stability (haha).  and besides the control freak in me, the planner is also bothered.  How can I make plans for vacations and maybe housing and a plethora of things if I don't know the specifics?  I know that I can continue w/ the temp agency and take other assignments.  I don't want to hop around, though, and they don't guarantee me full-time hours...

So now I'll continue on my day with Zwan.  Enjoy life, thank God it's Friday and show some love today! 

Damn punctuation.
"All my resistance could never be distance enough."
--- Anna Nalick

The above have been frequent thoughts lately.  Take an analytical mind, add situation after thought and mix in some complications and you get the drink I'm holding that I want to put down the drain.  Have you heard or read "Never place a period where God has placed a comma"?  It's been haunting me.  I tend to leave strings attached rather than cut them off, so maybe that's making me even more irritated.  I'm all about possibilities- but at the same time, I think if something's meant to be, it'll happen no matter what.  Why can't I have my own life now and not have it be completely intertwined w/ whatever has happened before?  There are definite times when I want a connection- want it to make sense or someone to understand me w/o all the work involved to get to that point.
Why isn't, "I don't want to" or "leave me alone" enough?  Do I need to be every person's friend?  Just because we were before or have things in common or any number of things, does it need to or is it healthy to continue on?  I am woman.  Hear me roar.  I'm tempted to compare rights and privileges to being one's friend.  I'm also tempted to give up on people and go be a desert nomad.

 There are no Herberger affiliates w/in 200 miles of where I live.  How sad.  I think they're a pretty good department store.  I guess it's time for a road trip!!  I'd like to go some place warm, though. 

when you've made progress- maybe made some good choice, like getting out of or over an unhealthy relationship, only to get swept back up in the sentiment and old habits, I'd call that 'abandoning changes.'  Well, other things as well, but I think my favorite g-mail's name for 'moving on' before sending or saving a draft fits appropriately.  Dart through my heart.  I like my life.  I am happy.   There have been only brief moments of relapse lately for me.  And I don't want anything different.  It's just been a flittering thought- me in another alternate world where things turned out differently.  Then I open my eyes a little wider and am glad life didn't go that way.  I like that it can be bigger and better than my mind dreams.

In my search for an apple orchard to visit this weekend, I came across:
"We fully expect parents to stay under their child's supervision at all times on the farm."
Wow- a kid-run farm?  Or at least a place where kids are expected to boss their parents around?  Glad I don't have kids... (well, I'd hope that I could trust them and they me)

I may have found something I'm allergic to, although 'allergy' may be too strong of a word.  And it was from a vitamin, of all things.  It's a special formula- so I'll exchange it for a general multi-vitamin w/in a few days and see what happens.  I think I may also be mildly allergic to bananas.  I found out that latex- and banana-allergies are associated together.  There have been studies done, but it's more of 'those w/ latex allergies have a high risk/rate of banana allergies.'  I don't know if it's been done the other way around (and I'm not allergic to latex, unless it's one of those allergies that you just develop at one point).  Now my mind is swimming with formulas.  If a->b and b->c, does a->c?...

What was going on in April ?  I checked it out.  Why?  because an e-mail dated from April showed up when i was pasting something in a new Internet tab.  An e-mail that I didn't recognize.  It was about an opportunity in Santa Cruz, CA- something w/ the environment that I'd apparently inquired about.  I knew that I'd just vacationed at Florida and probably was having problems at work w/ my then-boss.  It was true.  and more unrelated things as well.  I was also enjoying some things, like making friends at church...

oops!  forgot I was updating- set this aside a couple hours.  I've got a good variety of things to work on, and have been doing so little by little. I had a great weekend!  Went to a Renaissance Festival w/ a friend and his friends- and that went well.  I was surprised at the large numbers of people there (exiting the parking lot was slower than molasses).  Whenever I meet new people, I'm excited, but there's always the chance that things just won't click or that they have no interest in being social but that wasn't the case w/ this group.  As I said, it went well.  So did the knitting party that consisted of some awesome ladies getting together to knit or crochet infant caps through 'Caps to the Captial .'  Yesterday, I made it to the Air and Space Museum w/ Chris.  I thought it was pretty great.  Maybe 'cause it was brief- admiring the exhibits, but not reading all the details (and skipping half the building- my shoes were killing me).  I want to go to museums more often- there's so much to do in this area, and so much of it's free and interesting!
Later on, we saw So I Married an Axe Murderer (my favorite) and Grosse Point Blank.  Movies are so great sometimes!

I have class (to teach) tonight- so I'll do some lesson planning instead of writing more thoughts out.  Suffice to say that I am doing well and plan on having a great week!

*there would be a lot of corpses along my path
*I'd have to get 'look-resistant' glasses to spare people

Obnoxiously loud people get to me, thus the silliness above.  i know that quiet people can appear stuck-up, so there are stereotypes all over the place.  I almost took a later transfer yesterday instead of continuing my journey w/ a particular group of people, but my hunger and moodiness propelled me forward.

"Would you ladies like something to drink?"
---asked by flight attendant to a male and myself; not in a bar w/ some flirting going on

I had a great time w/ my family in the good ol' Midwest. It's good to be back home, though, and I'm almost caught up w/ the more immediate things at work.

 I need to get cracking if I'm getting a PhD!!  I know that people get that degree at any age, but between so many co-workers having it, and even Assistant-Professor jobs requiring one, it seems like I should at least be working on a Masters now.  Not that I know what subject it would be...

so much!!!

I'm a little stressed and overwhelmed by a lot of things, good and bad- known and unknown.  the one link?  something I don't have (much if any) control over.  My grandpa is going to the doctor this week.  I love him and my grandma's marriage.  They tease each other, and get along so well, sort-of fighting, but there's so much love.  They're celebrating their 50th anniversary this month.  I enjoyed seeing pictures of them through the years- great Halloween costumes and loving their kids and just great senses of humor... that is a whole lot of pictures, though- so many borrowed memories...

there are a lot of things that I'm curious about, and I have no qualms about asking some people, even if it may be poitically incorrect or whatnot... At the same time, there is a time and place for everything, and I just have to be patient or accept not knowing everything in order to keep/set boundaries sometimes.  Being back at my old church, the one I'm still a member of, and have basically gone my whole life, was strange.  I hadn't gone since last December, when I was in town.  It's interesting to see how people have changed, even on the outside.  A very pregnant woman was down to her normal weight again, and could even have ad another chold during that time!  (but didn't) some people have aged...  it definitely felt weird, especially when I signed the 'friendship pad' with my Maryland address.

at least the tiramisu still rocks!

last night visiting 'home' so- good night, all 

from some hand-written notes by me 'bout this lovely trip I'm on:

*forgot toothbrush & phone charger
*beautiful aesthetic experience (followed by wispy and fluffy cloud sketch)
*chilis too- emotional songs
'...fast forward to a few years later"
*want to hug, scream, cry
-no one sent me off, dad picking up
*only extended weekend trip -want to recognize someone
*water fountain (sketch) <precise spurts>
*men of every walk <orig.= kind> of life enjoying baseball
*employee cheat sheet "REMEMBER THE PROBE"

 Storage tips:
Are you ever confused as to when your food expires?  Whether or not there is a date on it, I know that I often question it.  Who likes spoiled milk?  So, in doing some research,  I found this website .  It is very thorough.  It's also inspiring- I want to label everything- just go through the cabinets and fridge, and leave no questions and no food labelless.

What is the definition of a 'good friend'?  Is it someone who tells you what you need to hear?  what you want to hear?  what they think?  what they know from experience?  Do you really want to hear what they have to say, especially if it isn't comfortable and would make you change in a way you're not ready to?

I think I look good today.  I wonder what factors there are and how confidence/outlook on life, etc. affects that.  I think to others, I don't look any different than usual (although how someone carries him- or herself can make a world of a difference).   It's interesting to me.

Are the people and things I'm involved w/ contributing to the greater good?  I don't want a wasted life.  There is much to be done, and I think we all have the power to make the world and each other better off than it was before.  That's why I'm careful not to complain too much- because what good does that really do (except to connect w/ others who feel the same)?  What is the measure of something that's good, and what are the differences between good and great and right and God-ordained?  What is the sound of settling?  How do feelings fit in?  People are all over the place- claiming even that they felt 'led by God' to do all sorts of things that most people would consider awful, or at least selfish and not in-line w/ Biblical teachings.  At the same time, is it even possible to only be logical- to make healthy decisions that way?