'Friday Afternoon at the Office,' or 'Solitude in Tennessee?' I was looking at a beautiful photo from my parents' future hometown in Tennessee today. Mountains, farmhouses, green... it looked so wonderful and spring-like and solitary! I thought that it's way different than here, and perhaps even backwards. That is, until the minutes ticked by here, and it seemed like a ghost town. A majority of my co-workers are here, but it'd be hard to prove it. Normally, people stop by and chat for a little, or are talking to others in the hallways or as they walk past. Not so. They must be confined to their desks or something, because they're not by me, and they're quiet, yet when I walk past, they're there. It is the quietest and perhaps most lonesome day I've worked in a long time. I partially take back the lonesome. It's not really- I'm just in a people mood, so I'm being dramatic. Good thing I'm going to a birthday party (in Virginia!) tonight!! It's for a guy at church, and his wife is having a homemade Italian dinner and everything. She reminds me of Hope- good with people and company and food and obivously deeply loving/adoring her husband. Left Out in the Rain and other ways to know your not loved: Sometimes, it's hard to see or accept the obvious, but the truth is right there pounding on you. Like when somehow a newspaper gets sent to you, but you don't subscribe, and you call to get it stopped, but it doesn't, and so you leave the paper where it was in the driveway/porch, while it storms out. You want to get rid of it, and maybe not treat it poorly, but it doesn't seem to get the hint, so you hope that the carrier seeing it abandoned and soaking will get a clue. When I think of this, I think of guy/girl relationships. But I don't think it's usually that clear. We're not usually that ruthless to each other. On the other hand, I've never met so many bold guys before. I don't know if it's an East Coast thing, or if I look vulnerable or something, but random guys have hit on me and asked me out. Maybe they're just desperate. Luckily, it's happened in very public places, and there's always been a way to escape if, let's say, he went overboard. Also, I'm never that dressed up, so I really don't know what the deal is. I need to think of some good response- like invite them to church or something. I somehow want to send them in a good direction. One more thing: (an observation from a few days ago, but might as well update here)
The Life of the Observor: (do your own growing) I do try to live vicariously through others (at least sometimes). Characters' lives in books and movies become mine, and their adventures? my memories. I'm serious. When I was 9, I read a book about a girl and her horse, and I remember thinking at the time, "Have I really not gone to competitions?" It seemed like my reality was fantasy- like those false memories I had had to be real. You can ask Amber- I have a lot of false realities. Lately, they mostly come from my dreams- I swear that a conversation happened or we changed our plans or something, and it takes her confused look to convince me that it never happened. There are periods in my life that I'd rather sit back and observe (and I have) but I'm seeing now that I am not a moth. or a wall. I am a person- who others can see, even if I don't say anything. I can be noticed, and I should do something. It's not that I expect others to live my life for me- it's that I don't act (which can be attributed but not excused by being balance-brained as opposed to right- or left-). I think, and then I realize that in all this analyzing, I haven't actually done anything, and sometimes not doing anything is still doing something. Or is at least a waste. before I know it, huge piles of my life have been swept away by the current. Don't get me wrong- sometimes I feel in the middle of things and very connected, but not often enough, I think. I am being proactive- I'll help get the rest of our stuff from storage this weekend, and will do things for other people, etc.. I won't be just words today.
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