Lest I forget:  It's winter, and there is fresh snow on the ground.  I'm attending the local university, and I've just finished my first semester.  It was a breeze, probably because I'd taken classes there during high school.  I already know I want to transfer, but I'll enjoy the time I'm here.  I'm carrying cross-country skis and poles, and am bundled up for the cold.  The thought of working out in January outside was much more appealing than sweating in the summer.  I'm running late, and head to the first day of class.  I sit down, and the class starts soon.  No one else has the gear or is dressed like me.  No matter... So then the teacher proceeds to talk about binding, and I think, OK- interesting- I didn't know we'd actually be learning much in the classroom, but, OK.  But not binding skis, etc., but books.  I fail to see the relevance, but hey, I'm sure it will 'tie' together (haha), and they talk about field trips, so fun!  It's only after a few more minutes that the prof gives the way out- the whole "This is Book-binding 101, if that's not you, feel free to head out."  Boy was I embarassed.  I must have looked ridiculous.  I gathered all of my stuff and smiled on my way out, with burning cheeks, and clanking equipment.  I walk into the correct classroom, and have not missed much, but again, no one else has equipment.  I learn that we can rent it or bring our own, and we will in fact be learning some things in the classroom before heading out.  This happened 5+ years ago (hard to believe!), and is one of many examples of ways I embarass myself.

The strained relationship between my boss (I use the term loosely) and I can be likened to a dating relationship-goes-sour.  We were initially happy with each other, excited, and always finding ways to compliment or learn more about the other.  This was the honeymoon period that sadly ended.  There may not be a clear turning point, but I think it may have been the day that I was asked to do something, didn't do it fast enough (had no clear instructions of how) and then Mr. Hyde came out, and has gagged and tied Dr. Jekyll somewhere that I can't find.  Mr. Hyde seems to have sabotaged our relationship, and is the unwilling spouse in a marriage.  (s)he's finding any excuse possible to push me away, hoping (it seems) to be rid of me, without actually breaking up with me.  It's hard for me to believe, but she actually physically ignores me and bad-mouths me when she's only a few feet away.  But I'm the persistent lover.  I've apologized, expressed my interest in working things out, offered anything of me that may be useful to her/him, to no avail.  (s)he's toying with my heart, saying, "Thanks" this morning.  That word awakened hope in my soul that things could be a shadow of what they've been before.  I pursued it, stalling for a second, and then venturing into a compliment.  Maybe the door's still open?  After only getting criticism for the last month, I'm ready for anything different.  It's not that (s)he's a bad person- (s)he is kind to most of the others here, and has been to me in the past- I try not to let the pain (s)he's caused me take root or influence my care for her/him.  This is different than relationships I've had before, though, because if the guy wanted out, I let him, without trying to hold it together.  I still think that my boss is under stress and I'm a way to relieve it for her/him.  I acknowledge that I can be frustrating, and won't always get everthing right or be helpful.  But give me a chance.  Teach me so I can help you and be useful.

There is a Chinese group visiting at my work today, and that is wonderful!!  The meeting is taking place just across the hall, and that just makes me so happy.  It can be quiet and border-line boring here.  I enjoy working here, and meeting all sorts of well-educated people, having steady hours and a steady schedule, nights and weekends off, and dressing business-casual (to name a few).  I can't tell you enough how much I prefer to work in the day.  Any time after 6pm is just really draining on me, for some reason.  Third shift is OK sometimes.  I just thrive in the morning.  Hello, sunshine!