I feel like I'm back at square one, or that all roads lead there.  I won't elaborate for the time being, because everything's up in the air, and it may fall differently than 'the worst.'  but I feel this way so much so that I'm even tempted to cut my hair here at the front desk.  Traditionally, cutting or dying my hair has been a way to have a clean start, or to liven things up a bit.  During high school/college especially, this was the case.  It's not quite the same feeling when someone does my hair for me, but it generally looks better this way.  I think it's kind of like the seasons- cutting away my tips is like showcasing the new growth, or something like that... 

Church was great yesterday.  It's still impacting me today- that's why I didn't elaborate on my worries.  It was about fear- healthy and unhealthy ways of handling it, healthy and unhealthy fears, period.  It was actually interesting, because it was the same text as last week (I John 4:7-21).  Some healthy fears are being run over (look both ways before crossing the street) and the myriad of things that our nervous system warns us off (DON'T TOUCH BOILING WATER! OUCH!!!).  Some unhealthy fears are thoughts such as "It's my fault my parents divorced" or highly unlikely things such as "If I work above ground anywhere near a window, I'll get struck by lightning" or probably taking any fear that we take away from the news or movies.  I didn't realize that we lived in such a fear-driven society.  Manipulative and messed-up, yes, but fear-driven?  Just think of common ads- they obivously sell an image, such as "You could/will be young, sexy, well-liked and (who needs more than that?), when you use our product."  It's often well over-the-top.  (are they really selling gum?)  Advertising is very interesting to me, yet deceptive, and I don't appreciate it sometimes- especially since I often get the feeling that I'm not good enough, or need something else in my cupboard/closet in order to be likeable to others or normal or desirable.  It's not fair, and it's not true.  What's the basis of my existence?  or what is my value based upon?  So, one fear that these companies are pounding into us is that we're not good enough.  Good enough for what?  friends?  to be seen in public?  to feel cofident/comfortable with who we are and what we have?  Obviously, this is a sensitive/important topic to me.  I hate being deceived and lied to (and hate that on behalf of others, too).  One thing that I still have a hard time with is how to small-talk with others.  It's so easy to talk about a flattering outfit someone has on, or some other cool, outward thing- but I know that's just solidifying the importance of appearance.  I know that who someone is goes much deeper than that, and I try to let people know how important they are down-deep, and the kind of impact they've had on me, and what truths I notice about them, but when it's an aquaintance, I let social norms take over (I don't want to freak someone out).  At the same time, I wonder what impact praising actions gives- because the heart/motives come out in actions, right?  Who knows....  So, some ways of reacting to fear that are unhealthy include over-reacting, running away, and buying off.  Buying off?  I can't remember what that's about, but if you have ideas, please share.  Amber is (seriously) concerned that I'll give myself an ulcer.  I internalize (sometimes verbalizing) my fears.  Liking spicy food, deep-fried, and junk food, and valuing my health overall, I don't want that.  I guess you could say that my fear of not enjoying those things catapults me into wanting to not worry.  Crazy, huh?  I rationalize worry by thinking about it as "exploring the possibilities."  I think I fail to acknowledge the good/positive/exciting possibilities sometimes.  I don't know why that is, but it may have to do with communicating in general.  I'm used to not talking until things go bad.  It kind of seems redundant to state the obvious, positive things, like "I like you," "I like that you're honest with me about..."  "I appreciate that you treat me with respect."  Therefore, if you're someone who likes words (and even if you don't) you may not feel/know for sure that you're very important to me and I think highly of you.  Sorry.  I'm working on it.  Please bear with me if I state the obvious or sound ridiculous sometimes.  I think I was taught to just bring 'issues' up (and even then, not often, or until it's a huge deal).  The first thing that comes to mind is rather embarassing.  I have a hard time throwing away things (or at least I used to- sometimes I want to get rid of verything now).  So, growing up, my room got messy (but I knew where everything was, I swear).  At some point, my dad moved every single thing out of my room, and I had to go through every drawer, etc., throwing stuff out/giving it away, before it could go back in my room.  Long, tedious process.  I hated all of my stuff being in the hall, because then I didn't know where it was, and when you have projects and things going on... I'd like to say I learned my lesson and that experience wasn't repeated, but that's not true.  I have learned, and don't have as much stuff, although I still do have things at my parents' house that I'd like to go through/bring out here!  I think one attachment that I have to stuff is memories- "but that's written in the secret language Serpe and I made up"...  OK, that's a golden example, but there are other things that don't matter so much, that someone else could actually use, instead of sitting in a box.

Back to 'fears.'  Some things we can do to deal, are: 1)Let it go.  2) Take a small step foward.  3)Pray to God to take ownership.  The illustration that (Gary?) used, was of a samuri.  Before going into battle, they dipped the tip of their sword in a bucket of water (which symbolized their fears), and then as they went to fight, they held that sword, those fears, in front of them, taking hold of them and using those fears as a weapon.