I like me.  I can be quite humorous, clever, and other special things.  Everyone has something going for him/her, including me.  I was reading some old entries of mine, and was impressed.  Before you turn away in disgust over my egocentricity, hear me out.  I think that it's important that we like ourselves- after all, that's one person we'll always live with.  Sure, I can be impossible sometimes, and can be very frustrating and many other discouraging things, but there are times that I'm just hilarious!  I think it's good to be able to laugh at yourself, and if you can't you can at least laugh at me (regardless of whether I'm trying to be funny).  One thing that I've noticed about myself is the amount of effort/thought I put into myself vs. others.  I spend a lot of time thinking about and admiring others, but how much do I actually spend serving them?  Not much, I think.  I spend time reading and talking with others but am I a good friend?  All of my jobs have been in serving roles, whether an actual product, or some other need of the customer, but do I just waste my free-time?  It seems so to me, when I see other friends who are busy 24-7 in what seems to be 'serving others' mode- they put aside sleep and food and rest to do the job that others (like me?) don't.  I'm not saying this to whine- just to say it- hold myself accountable for making a change and moving on.

Speaking of moving on, Amber's interview yesterday went well- so much so in fact that she's planning on moving.  If she doesn't want me to share this, I'll delete it, but until then:  It's down to her or a couple (who are interviewing at the end of June).  She feels good about it, and is planning on moving out mid-to-late June- back to her parents/hometown until she's got the job/for the summer.  There's a remote possibility she'll move back here, but only if she doesn't get that job and she gets a good one here.  As she was interviewing (or getting prepared to) yesterday, I sat here holding back tears.  That's odd for me, like I've said- it doesn't usually become real to me 'til after/while it's happen-ed(-ing).  Amber is very special to me, and I won't let her go w/o a fight, but if this is where she's supposed to go, I'll support her.  Only if someone was brainwashing her or she was being dumb would I step in her way (and she has for me).  I think one reason it is so hard for me to let her go (besides the obvious like she's fun to be around) is that I'm used to being the one leaving, not left.  This wasmost apparent when I left Mt. Rushmore.  I worked there one summer, and made good friends that I keep in touch with to this day.  Everyone left at different times.  I don't even remember who left before me, but I know that it was a hard time- a lot of crying.  It was another moment that I was very 'present' emotionally, etc.  I felt grieved.  ("Grieved" by Peter Gabriel (on my City of Angels soundtrack) touches me deeply, and I've listened to it for hours sometimes)  When the school-year was ending years ago, it wasn't a big deal.  A week or so into the summer, I'd miss my friends and classes, but who can complain about a summer of swimming and sun?  I don't know why, but when I started kindergarten, I waved Mom goodbye, and ran right in (is that odd for someone who had never been to pre-school or anything of the sort?  I must have trusted God or Mom or the teacher) while my mom cried.  I guess it's the opposite for some kids?  Going out-of-state for college, moving to CA or here has been exciting- I was a little nervous, but certainly not sad.  There were points at each place that I wish I were 'home' or that the ppl I knew would understand me the way only ppl can do after knowing and being around you for years.  There have definitely been times that I've been lonely and frustrated, but not too homesick.  There's nothing I'm running away from, except maybe complacency.  I think I've held my friends (and everyone else, for that matter) at a distance in the past.  It's easier to not break the surface and get to an uncomfortable point.  That is, until you realize you can't much of a meaningful or real anything unless you're honest about where you're coming from and what you feel.  There's a time for everything, and not everyone should know what I think of them at every moment or how they affect me, but they should often (and me of them).  No matter how long I've known someone, or how much I'd like to believe it, I cannot read minds, and I can guess wrong.  I can hear the words you say, and they mean something you don't intend.  That's why it's good to ask questions and clarify.  I am rather good at reading peoples' emotions (unless they're good at masking them), but that doesn't mean you shouldn't tell me what's up.  Of course, you don't have to tell me anything, but I care, will try to understand you, won't blab it to the world... 

Going back to the 'mask' thing- I need to work on that for myself!!  My emotions are on my face.  I do not have a 'poker face.'  Sometimes I try, but I totally fail.  If something's bothering me, you'll see either the glare or tears.  If I'm very happy or excited, you'll see me beaming.  Whatever the case may be, it's out there- can anyone teach me to be composed?  I can hold it together sometimes, especially if it's on the phone or something, but you look right in my eyes, and I can't help showing you how I feel.  That's why I gravitate towards sunglasses or want to wear a mask- ppl can really know what's going on with me, and that can be scary!!  But I'm embracing that more, and seeing that as a good thing, and appreciating honesty and openness.  Nonetheless, sometimes I need to not let whatever is going on in my head/life affect what I'm currently working on, so if you have suggestions on how to appear different than I feel, please share.