it's 9-something, and my dream is interupted by a familiar ringtone.  I pull myself together and manage a, "hello?"  "Are you sick?" "no, I was sleeping."  this was at night, by the way.  the voice said, "you're going to a singles conference with me tomorrow night."  what? ok... even for getting up at 5, sleeping before 9 doesn't make much sense- i was just exhausted, until I heard from Amber, and then I was excited to have plans and go out and her enthusiasm was contagious, so i ended up staying awake 'til midnight, talking with her, etc.  I'm guessing there were about 300 ppl at the 'conference.'  Let me start by saying that it was great and the speaker really spoke truth into our lives and the music was good.  it was held by an Assemblies of God church, which should have been all cool, since that's the type of college i went to, but it was much more charismatic than I'm used to, and my baptist background and general intimidation of all things loud made me uncomfortable.  people were dancing around and really getting into the music, praising God, and while i agreed with the words, and thought the tempo was fun, i did little more than sway.  and i felt bad, because i wanted to be comfortable and loosen up, and thought that of all places, somewhere worshipping God should be the easiest place to start.  instead, i went back and forth between wanting to party but feeling like i can't and wanting to melt away into nothing.  it didn't help that Amber and I were minorities there and in the front row- i was so self-conscious!  i thought i was better in social situations, or at least more mature.

The speaker focused on us being complete people.  we need to take care of our minds/bodies/souls.  Some things that stuck out to me were when she was talking about hmmm.   this is tough.  all i know is that she came across as a real, down-to earth person.  it seemed like what she shared, she needed to or God spoke through her or something.  it's not like she had a holier-than-thou attitude or anything.  she gave examples of how trusting God and not living beyond her means has been good- how blessed she has been, and how not only does she have what she needs to survive, but she's gotten what she wants, too.  Now, I'm not promoting 'just do the right thing' as in actions are everything.  It's more of the attitude, anyways.  The current thing I'm trying to get a grip on is putting myself first, or something like that.  I'm thinking about my parents and while I love and admire them, there are things in them I don't want to become, like miserable because of never speaking up for or going after what I want.  While other people are important, and I get excited for them and what's coming their way, I often don't have that same enthusiasm for my future.  I just don't see it like I see others'.  I see the ambiguities and uncertainties and would rather just focus on other peoples' happiness.  Now I don't serve others as much as I think I should or can, but I guess I also don't have high hopes for my life.  I enjoy life and am happy and appreciate what I have, but I don't set my goals high, for the most part.  I settle too much.  I don't dream big.  There is something in me that knows that there is a place for me in this world, and that I was made for that, and that it's big- more than something I could accomplish on my own.  But I don't know what that looks like.  I know some of my characteristics or preferences rock- that there is something that I can do that others can't.  That there will be a task set before me that if I shirk on will affect others negatively.  Now, God's bigger than that, and he can (will) get the job done, but I'd like to think that we each have our part.  I think it's a faith issue.  Instead of hesitating 'cause I'm scared or want to know how things will work or why or wanting a list, I need to get over it.  I do compare myself to others and wonder why I haven't had specific 'dreams' of what I want/will happen in the future.  They'd probably freak me out anyways.  part of why I'm afraid to say what I want is that it hasn't worked out before.  if I keep it to myself, maybe it'll be protected, and will happen and since noone knows about it, who can stop it?  one cool thing is how everything fits together.  it's nice looking back at times when I was like "what in the world?" and see maybe why that happened or i was in that place or things like that.  and that's only a small part- what I can understand.  i don't know how i've affected others for the most part.  i don't know how God's worked through situations and words.  it's nice getting glimpses, though