life is good.  lately, I've been updating at times when I'm down or overwhelmed or both.  when things have been going great and I'm all excited, the thought of tying myself to a screen in order to share just hasn't appealed to me, thus my blog hasn't accurately reflected what im going through.  I'm sitting here at home waiting to hear from Jamie, and thinking about phones.  i forgot my charger in maryland, and will go buy one for the car tomorrow, and Jamie's phone was dying when I called her earlier, so I don't know when we'll get in touch.  i don't think she has my cell's # memorized.  i'm a little tired.  I've been thinking (among other things) about some departing wisdom Amber left me with.  one thing she pointed out (that wasn't a surprise for me) is how i've historically molded to become what i think others are looking for or wanting.  i didn't think it was dishonest at the time, because i thought i could do/be anything, and hadn't figured myself out too much.  i'm more aware of the BS i pull or have, and have been pretty good at stopping in my tracks when necessary and being more honest lately.  i can't say taht I'm there yet- I'm pretty sure I fool myself often (consequently, others) but i'm trying.  i care less what others think or if they approve and while there are times when what people think/say of me really hurts, it's not nearly as much as before, and my happiness/contentment depends on others much less.  sounds like i'm tooting my own horn...

so i've been gathering for and planning out the apartment.  i've got some themes in mind that i should be able to pull off based on what i own and what i'll acquire from my parents.  there are things they have that i don't remember them using for maybe 20 years, and they've given me the go-ahead.  there's so much to do and so little time, i feel rushed and that this time more than makes up for my many relaxed evenings.  my old room is fine.  i just hadn't prepared for it much.  i don't want or expect to have my own place in my parents' home.  i'm off on my own, an adult, and I'd feel like they're trying to hold on or lure me back if they kept my room the same (I've always thought that's creepy in the movies and such).  there are touches of 'me' in the room.  the flowers, the elephant worked into the theme, my stuff stuck in the closet (working on that)  my irises are huge (no longer flowering) and i'm thinking of splitting them and taking some with me (in a pot)  it was sad to see the peach trees and to know I won't eat any for my birthday.  i plan on having a great day regardless, but fresh peaches (and other fruit) are one of lifes greatest joys to me.  i mark time and changes with technology and growing trees.  when i see new buildings or old ones with new names/purposes- even 'new' stoplights, i become nostalgic.  i feel slightly old, and definitely like I've experienced something that someone else never will.  i planted a pine seedling when i was in 4th grade (I believe), and now it's more than twice as tall as me, and has a crooked trunk, like my spine.  it was a siamese tree- and i wanted it to remain that way, but my mom didn't think it would thrive that way, and cut off half way back when.  it seems to be fine now, but for a while, i swear it grew to the side a little, as if it was giving room for its buddy.  reminds me of Gathering Blue or The Giver would be more accurate.  The former I heard on tape during the road trip.  Enjoyable, but annoying, too- and I didn't like the end very much.  it was all rather boring until the end.  I'm now listening to The Secret Life of Bees, but I think I should've read up on that more.  it came highly recommended, but it sounds like a romance novel to me at some points- and I don't appreciate that.  other than that, i can only decribe it as 'girly' because of the way the author describes things through feelings and oh so many details.

this is the first time I've been 'home' since Christmas, and while i've lived a lot of life, this return has been very strange- life has continued here, too.  i no longer feel a vital part of the family.  life goes on.  things get done and go smoothly.

 i'm tired.  i look forward to sleeping in part because it will be in one of the most comfortable beds i've ever slept in.  can't be for too long, though- it's off to the international clinic for shots in the a.m.  plus, with so much to do! who has time for much sleep?  i might head off soon- but i hope to hear from Jamie, 'cause we're supposed to hang out tonight, but maybe tomorrow?  she's important to me.

back to the beginning: I don't try to deceive others.  i mostly deceive myself, and then it all goes to ?somewhere? from there.  i'm grateful to have friends that are willing to talk honestly with me and not run the other way when i share what's going on.  just because i say something doesn't mean i want to feel that way or anything- it's just i think there's power to release it or get over it when it's acknowledged.  minor example: I dreamt that when i visited my parents, I knew they'd been holding something back, and then i found out that a good majority if not all of my dad's relatives had died (maybe even he did), so it was good that i was visiting now, because I could take more tie off if i needed to.  that's one type of thing i fear- important information being withheld from me- 'sheltering' me when i really need to know what's going on.  I don't need to know everything, even though i sometimes want to, but when it's something big like death...  feel free to call me out when it seems like or you know I'm just playing along and withholding what I'm barely able not to say (let me use my discretion as to whether to share).  my opionion/input may matter some time.