may be whiny (but I need to get it out).  Proceed at your own risk:

Growing up, my best friend had issues with my dad (it seems my friends tend to have 'issues' with someone or other important to me- but that's for another entree).  She made a huge contrast between her Italian emotional (aka caring) self and my dad's German (although he's maybe 1/4th) heartlessness.  I took this to heart, and when she would make fun of him, I'd feel it as if she were saying it about me.  not all the time- I was mad at him sometimes or thought he could be 'heartless,' but I think she did aim it at me, and that was her passive-aggressive way of getting it out.  My dad did tease her- knows how to get to people, and I know sometimes she was just looking out for me- maybe if he had a rule I didn't agree with (although I've got to say that my parents gave us a lot of freedom, we just didn't push it).  At that point in my life (high school) I did bury my feelings and walk around rather composed- not letting on what I really thought or felt about someone/something (except I shared certain things with my closest friends).  Don't get me wrong- I still shared crazy stories and was mischievious in my own way- but was much more reserved than I am now, which says a lot.

What I did then I still do now to some extent.  That is, I play up to the role or perception that people have of me.  Friendly receptionist? down pat.  over-the-top illogical friend?  a cinch.  damsel in distress? that's also another blog.  So while I could never be a 'real' actress (have a hard time being serious when necessary, speak quietly, etc) I sure do play-it-up in real life!  wait- I'm not trying to brag- I want to be consistent and am working on presenting the same thing to all- and having that 'image' actually be honest and real and all that.  I think part of my problem is that I do believe I can do/be just about anything- so I don't normally think it's dishonest to appear to be all sorts of things.  That, and I LOVE approval- on all levels.  feedback is one of my favorite things, and although I glare, etc. when it's critical- I recognize the importance of it and love my friends' honesty.  my most tortured moments in life have been the in-between times-- waiting for answer, hearing nothing about someone's opinions or thoughts on a relationship, for example.  Or at work.  there are things I can just wing, but it gives me endless pleasure to make a list, and check things off as I go along, no matter how minor those tasks are.  So patience is a virtue I lack for the most part- when it comes to things I do have control over (or think I do) then I can usually wait- like as far as buying things.  If it's something bigger- like 'Does he like me?' 'How long will I live here- do i need to seriously apartment-hunt/get a second job?' or any other of infinite possibilities, then I can go quite insane.  I'm surprised I can sleep at night- my brain is so much in over-drive!!  Maybe the analytical nature, etc in me is good for something?  some career perhaps?  So (needless to say?) if I could pick a super-power, it'd be to read people's minds.  Since I don't anticipate acquiring that skill, I'm working on communication, but it's hard when I have so many questions, and my friends don't always answer them, especially if they're 'what if's.  Where are my buddies who love 'what if's?  Maybe that's too much in the mind and not enough in action.  Maybe that's why it seems like my friends growing up have vanished.  Maybe they're lost in their minds?  Maybe I've scared them off somehow.

getting back to the beginning: so I do feel a lot, regardless of my ethnic heritage, and I don't know why the feelings are so strong.  Like today, I'm really sad- as in holding back tears.  It could be because I'm stressed about the housing situation, and have somewhat of a heartbreak in another area- but I think it's something bigger than that.  I know it also has to do with someone close to me wishing my life turned out differently (me not wanting it that way), and with the pain I see in my co-workers lives, and in my friends'...  So I really just want to love on someone- where are the kids to hug?  the dogs to play with?  I want to do more than just smile and listen to people.  I want to really connect with someone.