-We've had a great discussion going on at my church recently.  We're reviewing what we believe- or at least different concepts of what we think of ourselves- what we strive for our church environment to be (for anyone coming in, and for those already there).  It's been great- people have good insight and I like how it's going.  I haven't shared my thoughts yet, mostly 'cause the discussions have take longer than planned anyways- they don't need more length.  So I posted on the church blog instead.  Feel free to add your own thoughts/comments there.  This past Sunday was 'The church as an oasis.'  I don't know about you, but I've been to an oasis before, and the whole idea of the sun and wind and exhaustion in contrast to the relief that the oasis carries is powerful to me.  When I feel like sharing on Sunday, I will in the future- when I get past the whole time-thing and how I fit into the great-big-world.  It's one of those things that I do that normally don't turn out good- making decisions that I think are for the best, but really aren't.  Especially when it involves other people (hardly anything doesn't).  I don't know everything- I don't know a lot, and when I forget that and think I have people figured out or at least think I know what they want or what would be 'good for them,' then I really screw up.  Maybe it's a power/control thing.  Maybe I like to figure stuff out and plan and when I think I'm doing someone a favor by not bothering them with something or some decision they'll only make the way that I think they will, I'm usually not.  It back-fires.

-So all that crazy stuff that I have going on regarding control and making decisions for people and all that?  I venture to call (some of) it 'emotional blackmail,' which is also the title of a book I just picked up.  I know that I can be persuasive and generally get what I want, but I know that I'm also usually not straight-forward, which previously, I thought was just my style/preference, but now I can see can be interpretted as manipulative.  There are times when I have little to no problem saying/asking what really needs to be.  Other times, I shelter myself from rejection, etc. by passing it off to the other person.  They can choose how things should go.  They can take risks.  That's not fair.  Now, I don't think of myself as purposely weilding people under my power- I don't want to ruin anyone or even make anyone do what they don't want to (unless it's 'for their good,' but that's another blog).  It may take a while to see me visibly change, but I'm working on it.  I think the book will help, because it'll give me insight into what others see, etc.  It's actually written for people who are the 'victims,' so it is really strange for me to read.  I recognize some other people as also being the 'blackmailers,' and I know how painful that can be- how much I can detest those people and feel gypped, etc. after talking w/ them.  Usually, though- blackmailing doesn't work on me or is even attempted.  I recognize what people want or are trying to do, and choose how to respond- I hardly ever feel 'trapped' or blind-sided.  On another note, I won't just get lost in bookland.  I'm listening to what some of my friends have shared with me through the years, and I'm open to current talks.

cont'd: I thought that people were just nice to me or helpful 'cause they wanted to be.  Now I see that it could be for a number of reasons.  Some could be for their own benefit, some could actually just be nice, but others are easily persuaded.  Maybe they think I can't handle it on my own or something.  (I usually can't, if I've asked for help; I'm rather stubborn and independent and don't ask unless I really mean it).  I really don't know why I get stuck in this mode.  I automatically act the way that I do, and hardly ever notice it.  I'm not as shy or weak or nice as most people think.  I can be rather confident.  I think 'persuasiveness' is the key.  I've done rather well in retail and promotional sales.  People trust me and while that's good, it's dangerous depending on what I'm suggesting they do/buy.  That's why it's very important to me to work in a place or sell things that I strongly believe in.  I don't want to be a part of selling someone's soul, so-to-speak.  Not that spending thousands on a wardrobe is exactly doing that, but it's not a lifestyle i want to promote.  (and I worked in an outlet, so people really weren't spending all that much- but I'm all about 'reduce-reuse-recycle,' so I'd rather encourage people to shop at garage sales or Goodwill.)  So, one thing the book said about 'blackmailers' is that people feel trapped.  So, since I haven't heard from basically anyone outside of the state for a long time, and have tried to contact them, it's hard for me not to take it personally.  Do I exhaust them?  Do I make them do/feel anything they don't want to?

So I may quote the book and share more revelations as they come.  All I know is that I don't like things as they currently are and I don't want to trick anyone.  People can be the greatest.  I want to recognize what I do so I can be more honest.  I don't want to play games, but I do (play them).  I'm a little down today, and listening to The Fray.

-A lot of times, including now, I define what I want or like or just about anything by what it's not.  That's how I narrowed down majors.  That's how I debated where to live after college (well, weighing pros, too).  That's what makes me appreciate my job and circumstances even more.  I'm thinking of the stress and how exhausting, etc. that past jobs have been, and how I woldn't trade that for anything.  I want to spend two weeks in the Midwest this coming winter, and my original purpose was to spend time with family and relax, and yet I momentarily considered going back to my retail job during that time, for some spending money.  It took about two seconds to disuade myself.  I hardly ever worked more than 5 hours, and even then, I debated if it was worth (the gas/danger) driving through icy roads.  No thanks!  If I'm going to drive, it will have a better reward- friends or other awesome people's front doors.  I am so judgmental.