This is one of those, "What do I share?" moments.  There's been a lot to process lately- I'm just not sure the right forum... but as long as I'm not using this as a way to avoid confronting God about it, then maybe it's OK.

I wonder what it looks like to trust God.  To ask something of Him and trust that if it's His desire for us to have it, etc., it will happen in time.  Does God grant us our prayers sometimes out of spite?  to teach us a lesson?  The whole 'be careful what you wish for' mentality suggests that.  Not that we should use God as a genie anyway...  I ask this because it appears that what I've prayed for honestly & fervantly a long time ago is happening now, and it's not as painless as I'd hoped.  Maybe I am projecting insecurity about what it can spin out into.  As I was walking a new route downtown yesterday, I was in this daze- thinking this latest thing could be the proverbial straw that broke the camel's back.  My friend living his own life and following God's leading translated into having to let go of my grandma and my dreams.  Miles are manageable.  We can take trains and planes and cars to connect (or even do so wirelessly with computers and phones).  With something less tangible, like hopes and dreams, it's harder to catch the balloon that is them floating away (especially when we released them in the first place).  or with death- their life may not be over, but their interactions with those still on earth is.

Anyway, the 'funny' thing about all this is how quickly I was able to not feel the despair any more.  I mean, it comes and goes, but I walked into a store at a very low point, and came out smiling!  This could be for any number of reasons- maybe I built a wall up; maybe God was comforting me; maybe seeing that ridiculously long line gave me perspective (what is or isn't worth waiting for)?  Regardless, here I am.